Back at Le Flop House, we are reminded that part of Sorcha’s discomfort at having her mother Bettina around—other than aforementioned Not Quite Right-ness—is that Bettina is under the mistaken impression that Cóilí Jackie loaned her a bunch of money to sort herself out when, in actuality, Sorcha stole the money from Cóilí Jackie, watched him knock himself out against the kitchen counter, and left him to die. Fun times! Bettina marvels at what a completely out-of-character act of selflessness it was on Cóilí Jackie’s part, and furthermore announces that she would like to go thank him in person. Once Sorcha finishes choking, she says there’s no need because he already knows they’re grateful, and if there’s one thing people who’ve done you a huge favor hate, it’s being thanked. They’re interrupted by a hungover Adam staggering in from the bedroom groaning and announcing that he, erm, got in really late last night, and given his disheveled state and the general difficulty he seems to be having walking, it’s clear he and Simon had a very merry Christmas indeed. Ho ho ho! Bettina declares that he must be Fiach, so after Adam hits her with a waffle iron, Sorcha clarifies that this is Adam, the roommate who used to be evil, as opposed to Fiach, the one who is currently evil. Adam is, however, one of the two roommates who is TOTALLY GAY, since I am sticking with my obviously incorrect theory about Nathan. Bettina suggests that Adam join them for a cup of tea, and normally he would have absolutely no interest in such a thing, but he sees an opportunity to make his dear friend Sorcha squirm and therefore decides he’s going to sit down and tell Bettina here every li’l ol’ thing that’s been going on. Snerk.
At the pub, Bobbi Lee tells Tadhg she’s just worked out the roster for Gaudi for next week, and he complains that she probably took all the day shifts herself because she wanted nights off. Come now, Tadhg, there ought to be some perks of being manager, and besides, Bobbi Lee needs to be riding Niall senseless on Berni’s kitchen table as much as possible before she comes back from France. Just then Katy strolls in, causing Bobbi Lee to gulp so hard she swallows half her molars because she knows this can’t be good for her. Katy says she’s heard Bobbi Lee has been standing in for her, but that her services won’t be required for much longer since Katy will be returning to run the place into the ground ASAP. To add insult to injury, Katy snots that she’s sure Bobbi Lee will be relieved to be back pulling pints for drunks and barflies at the pub, and then, to make sure everyone remembers what a complete wagon she can be, sniffs that it will be nice to have everyone back in their rightful places. Oh, HELL NO. Somebody hold my earrings while I teach this trifling ho a lesson.
Out in the street, Mo is plotting Peatsaí’s death after last week’s wedding debacle, which you may recall involved him preventing them from getting married but not telling them. Peatsaí is never one to get bogged down in details, such as organizing a wedding in which the couple ends up married. Colm suggests it’s not good to hold grudges, plus if Mo goes to prison for murder, he’s not sure they’ll get to have conjugal visits since they are not married. They run into David, who reveals that he canceled his annual Christmas trip to Kerry because he hasn’t told his family that he and Gráinne have split up yet. It’s very sad, and Mo, Colm, and the audience are all reminded of an important lesson, which is that no matter how bad things are, at least you are not David.
In their kitchen, Vince is watching Maeve do science experiments such as pouring nail varnish into water to see if they mix and hitting the TV screen with a sledgehammer to watch the liquid crystals fly out. Caitríona walks in and proclaims this “go hálainn” in a tone that clearly means “the stupidest thing I have ever seen,” and then Poor Me’s some more about how she only got one Christmas present, and it’s terrible, Vince. Michelle strolls through on her way to meet Rory, and Maeve suddenly decides that Caitríona should join them, either because she has concocted a plan that necessitates Caitríona leaving the house or because she hates Michelle and Rory now. They go on their way, and as soon as the door closes behind them, Vince asks Maeve what she’s up to. Snerk.
Back at their place, Sorcha apologizes to Adam about her terrible mother and promises she’ll get rid of her as soon as possible, but he says she’s lovely and a joy and so on. OK, saintly Adam is getting to be a bit much, because there is no way the real Adam would not be ready for Bettina to sling her hook now. He asks what’s up with her Cóilí Jackie delusion, and Sorcha changes the subject. She should be discussing the fact that Adam’s shirt is straining to stay buttoned across the chest, clearly having been purchased before his recent spate of gym visits.
After the break, we discover she isn’t. Cóilí Jackie is insulting Bettina, but she chalks it up to his being a lovable old coot rather than, you know, an arsehole. She tells him she knew he has a big heart, which in Cóilí Jackie’s world are fighting words, so when Bettina goes off to get her coat so they can go out for a lovely family drink, he tells Sorcha it’s clear her mother’s gone cuckoo again, and this time it seems it’s contagious. Yeah, there’s been an epidemic of it going around this town for at least three years.
Back at the Millennial Funhouse, Bettina finally returns from elsewhere in the manse, having interrupted Adam and Simon having sex to ask them about the latest series of Dancing on Ice, but they didn’t mind because she is delightful apparently. She’s surprised to find Cóilí Jackie has bogged off home because she was sure he’d want to take her to the pub and tell her what a pleasure it was to loan her all that money even though he hates her. We are starting to get the impression that Bettina’s world is full of singing flowers and dancing hippos, if you get our drift. Eventually Sorcha confesses that it wasn’t exactly a loan in that Cóilí Jackie was unconscious and bleeding out on the floor at the time, but that she totally meant to pay him back, at least until he started being a jerk about it and she got busy framing Adam for assault and attempting to boink Nathan.
Meanwhile, Bettina and her many flowing layers of capes and scarves are flapping around the kitchen like a Stevie Nicks video on FF while she and Sorcha scream at each other a lot. If they keep this up, Adam is going to emerge from the bedroom in a vinyl bodysuit carrying a whip to tell them to keep it down because he and Simon are trying to sleep. Clearly Bettina has fallen asleep on the crazy train and gone past her stop, Lower Bonkers Town, because she is ranting and beating at her chest and asking Yorick’s skull wherefore Romeo art. Sorcha tries to peel her off the ceiling by saying she’s saved up almost enough money upstairs to pay Cóilí Jackie back and then they can put this whole nightmare behind them, and then everybody cries. Well, I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear of this.
Michelle and Caitríona are having an awkward glass of wine at Gaudi, and eventually Caitríona can’t take it anymore and tries to leave, but Michelle reveals that she’s just gotten a text from Vince saying Maeve is planning some surprise and Caitríona isn’t allowed to come home yet. We kept hearing about how clever Maeve is, but we had no idea all these experiments were leading up to a genius plan to keep Caitríona away forever.
Rory arrives at Gaudi and tries to act excited about the fact that Caitríona will be joining him and Michelle on their date. There is more discussion of Christmas gifts, which reminds us that last episode hints were dropped that Rory has a secret other family or something, but we also heard something about a brother, so it’s possible this will all be a big misunderstanding involving Michelle breaking up with him for buying a gift for Another Woman who turns out to be his sister-in-law married to his brother who’s off in Afghanistan or similar. Either that or Rory is just a stone cold hoochie, or even better, identical twin hoochies filmed in split-screen. If that doesn’t turn out to be the case I’m going to be very disappointed.
Caitríona is finally allowed home, where Maeve announces that she felt guilty that she got so many gifts and Caitríona only got one, so she’s decided to rectify the situation by giving her an amazing additional gift. There’s no mention of the fact that neither of them probably got poor Vince a damn thing. He’ll have to content himself with an extra holiday dose of Stockholm syndrome. Anyway, Caitríona is very excited, and we are curious, but it turns out it’s just a verse Maeve has written about how lovely Caitríona is set to the tune of “Deck the Halls.” This took all day? We expect Caitríona to complain that it would’ve been better with a diamond or at least a couple of rubies, but she remembers that some small part of her is human and is therefore delighted by it, forcing Maeve to repeat it so she can record it and share it with all her followers. I would love to know who all these shut-ins and psychopaths who allegedly follow Caitríona are.
Chez Sorcha, Bettina has finally decided to call an end to her big day out and go back to wherever she lives, which really ought to be the room Katy just vacated at the, err, facility. Sorcha offers to spend the night at her house, but Bettina says she should go out with her delightful gay friends instead. As a prominent homosexual myself, I can vouch for the fact that we are utterly delightful, especially at the holidays. A horn honks outside, and Bettina asks Sorcha to run out and tell the taxi driver to hold on just a tick while she puts on her coat. Sorcha dashes outside, which gives Bettina a chance to transfer the bulging envelope full of money she’s pilfered from upstairs from her pocket to her giant crazy-lady purse. She even pauses for a second to open the envelope and thoughtfully show us THERE IS MONEY INSIDE. It’s a Christmas miracle! Also Hanukkah, because Bettina’s kookiness was only supposed to last one night, but it will end up lasting eight.