Friday, December 30, 2016

A Crazy Shade of Winter

Season 21, Episode 33
First aired 27 December 2016

We begin this episode in which all hell finally breaks loose with a typical morning of Dee shaking a hung-over Mack awake and him immediately apologizing for being an idiot. It’s nice that his automatic reaction to seeing his soon-to-be wife is terror, and also recognition that he’s an idiot. She complains that he stinks of drink as Noreen enters and starts shooting daggers at him. She offers her non-cheating daughter a cup of tea, but Dee replies that she should give it to Mack because he needs it more than she does, so Noreen makes a production out of spitefully drinking it while glaring at him. This may be the episode in which Noreen finally transforms into Lauren from Catherine Tate, except Noreen appears to be very much bovvered.

Over at the café, Berni is showing Bobbi-Lee the menu she’s cooked up (!) for the catering contract thing she’s trying to get with the local Association of Allied Bricklayers, Satellite Dish Installers, and Those Women Who Spray Perfume on You When You Walk Through a Department Store. Bobbi-Lee, ever the voice of the people, has of course forgotten all about this storyline, as had we all, and also makes it clear that this is very boring because it’s not about her or money that someone might give her. Berni suggests that perhaps Vince could come take photos of the food or whatever, and at this point probably even she isn’t sure anymore whether she’s innocently bringing him up because he’s the only one in town who owns a camera or because she’s trying to poke at Bobbi-Lee. Anyway, Bobbi-Lee takes the bait and starts ranting that Vince is a scoundrel and a bastard and that she totally hates him forever, which if you run through Bobbi-Lee à English on Google Translate actually means that if he walked in the door right now, she would make out with him, and then send video of it to Caitríona. This leads to a discussion of how she should make a revenge CD and get it revenge-played on every radio station in Ireland so she can make lots of revenge royalties and really rub it in his face. Also, revenge. Berni notes that Bobbi-Lee could be the one to finally put Ros na Rún on the map, though I would’ve thought it was already on the AA Ireland map as a place to avoid due to the high murder rate and also Tadhg.

Over at the pub, Frances is agreeing to look after Cuán for a few days so Katy and Jason can go away for the wedding and any shocking revelations and drunken fistfights that might hypothetically break out there. Tadhg thinks it’s a good idea for Cuán to spend more time with the Ó Direáins because Cuán said something the other day that does not make any sense in the English subtitles, but I believe he’s disapproving of Cuán picking up Katy’s Donegal accent, because even I know enough Irish to have figured out that the Dalys speak completely differently from everyone else. Tadhg points out that it’s bad enough that the next one will be Daly-spawn, but he doesn’t want Katy thinking she’s got ownership over Cuán, too. Jason is pooed because Katy is raising Cuán and they are a family and nothing is ever ever going to break them up, so he stomps off in a huff. If there’s a way to say “stomps off in a huff” in Irish with a hilarious Donegal accent, imagine that.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Dee's Hen Night: A Geena Kennedy Production Starring Geena Kennedy

Season 21, Episode 32
First aired 22 December 2016

It’s morning in Ros na Rún, and Vince is kissing Caitríona’s ass, figuratively and not literally, thankfully. As she emerges from the bedroom, he offers her breakfast on a tray, including a rose in a vase and his nuts on a platter, but she completely ignores him and breezes past him out the door. This is why you should be with Bobbi-Lee instead, Vince: she might throw the breakfast on the floor and then hit you over the head with the tray, but at least she wouldn’t ignore you.

Chez Daly, Katy suddenly looks much more pregnant than the last time we saw her, so I’m making my prediction now that she will have surprise octuplets, hopefully delivered by Mack in the back of his hackney. Proud papa John Joe is beaming over the fact that she’s made Dee’s favorite childhood bread as a surprise for the hen night, but the warm feelings immediately evaporate when Dee, Noreen, and famous wagon Geena Kennedy arrive, having clearly had a trying morning of searching the village for eggs benedict for Geena and failing. Perhaps the Red Cross can arrange an airlift. Geena makes a big production out of bravely soldiering on, and also sucking all the oxygen out of the room, until Dee realizes Katy is producing a series of novelty pink cowgirl hats and other festive crap for the hen night. She’s horrified until Katy announces she’s just joking, and Geena sneers as if Katy has just done a big poo on the floor. John Joe takes this opportunity to flee the scene, blanking a just-arrived Mack on his way out the door. Mack notes sadly that John Joe is still angry with him, but fortunately before we can recap that series of unfortunate events yet again, Geena takes center stage and makes everything about herself, insulting everyone along the way. Mack corrals them out the door as it seems he’s here to drive them to a spa day, or possibly to be spayed. Which of these he takes him to will depend on whether or not he knows what a spa is.

John Joe arrives at the community center for a meeting with Tadhg about renovating An Teaghlach. Apparently John Joe is a builder or something in addition to owning an organic petrol station or whatever. Tadhg makes a point of having this conversation loudly right in front of Celine Dion, and just to make sure he’s irritating her sufficiently, he interrupts her to borrow a pen. She tells him he’s wasting his time making an offer since she’s already bought the place, but of course Tadhg’s philosophy is that there’s no such thing as a waste of time as long as you’re annoying someone. 

Friday, December 23, 2016

Sleazy Come, Sleazy Go

Season 21, Episode 31
First aired 20 December 2016

We begin with David and Gráinne watching the cleanup operations at An Teaghlach, by which I mean some guy sweeping the pavement in front of An Teaghlach. She sadly notes that it is not at all iontach, unlike everything else she has ever seen, heard, or imagined, and instead its aura is shaped like a frowny face. David tells her Pól still claims to have been working with Tadhg and someone named Caroline, a.k.a., Muireann, a.k.a., “some bitch with a weird accent.” I, however, will continue to believe she is actually Celine Dion until I see proof to the contrary. Anyway, Gráinne reasons that Tadhg would never team up with Pól after that unfortunate incident where Pól and Áine pulled knives on each other, but David is only semi-listening, instead worrying that Pól will get a long sentence. Gráinne, ever the voice of, err, reason, thinks that a long sentence would be totally iontach, and, in fact, the longer, the iontach-er.

Down the street, Berni is giggling to Bobbi-Lee about how well things are going with Sleazy Tommy, who tried to get into her pants last night, but she kept them locked. She winks, however, that things could go differently tomorrow night, especially if she wears the easy-access tear-away vinyl stripper pants she bought at the Chippendales’ garage sale. Bobbi-Lee, whose paying-attention skills are questionable at the best of times, is completely not listening, and is instead looking longingly at Vince, who’s chatting with someone down the street. Berni tells her she’s got to get over him because he’s nothing but a rogue, and refuses to back down even after Bobbi-Lee presents into evidence that one time he kissed her sexily and Vincily. To get Bobbi-Lee’s mind off this bizarre love triangle, Berni suggests the two of them go out to dinner, presumably so she can brag some more about how yummy and not at all skeevy Tommy is. She and her lovely purple coat get into her car and drive away, which is Bobbi-Lee’s cue to get out her phone and call Vince, and then watch sadly as he looks at his phone, sees it’s her, and rejects the call. That rogue! Also, possibly, blackguard. I’m never sure where the line is between those two.

At Gaudi, a pretty young blonde sashays up to the bar and orders champagne, which of course they don’t have, because Gaudi is more of a Tesco-brand sparkling vinegar kind of establishment. Across the room, Jason and Mack, today playing the roles of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, wonder who this high-maintenance little madam is, especially once we learn that she speaks primarily in hashtags, which is shorthand these days for “terrible human being.” Just then John Joe enters the restaurant, slams on brakes when he spots #hashtag, and makes a U-turn for the door, and we find out that it is famous wagon Geena Kennedy, whom we’ve been hearing about for weeks! I’d really been hoping she’d be played by RuPaul, but I suppose that was too much to aspire to, especially after the show spent its entire celebrity budget for the year on that Francis Brennan guy. Geena greets John Joe brightly yet smugly, and he unenthusiastically returns the greeting through gritted teeth, and it seems this is one of those “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night” moments.

Monday, December 19, 2016

An Teaghlach Roasting on an Open Fire

Season 21, Episode 30
First aired 15 December 2016

We open in the square or park or whatever it is—I really need an aerial photo of the set to figure out the geography—where a crowd has assembled to tut-tut over the fact that the town Christmas tree has been knocked over. Tadhg blames the kids at An Teaghlach, of course, but David insists he has no proof that it was them. It’s true, it could’ve been someone’s angry teenage cat, or possibly a surly adolescent tornado. Tadhg’s proof it was the teen tearaways is that the holidays are very hard on them, what with having no home or parents and also having to hear “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” repeatedly, because in fact some of them were happy not knowing it was Christmas. He wanders away, and then Rónán tells David that there has been a Pól sighting, so they rush off to tell the Gardaí. I’m sure O’Shea will be thrilled to see David and to hear more about this nonsense.

Vince arrives home with bagels for Caitríona, and they both act shifty and avoid eye contact for a while before he finally cracks first and apologizes for bringing up the whole Donncha thing. She says it was nothing, and they muse awkwardly on how we all do things we regret sometimes.

And speaking of things we regret sometimes, Bobbi-Lee is in the café telling Berni about spotting Caitríona and Colm kissing last night, and let’s all take a moment to appreciate the personal growth and restraint Bobbi-Lee has demonstrated by waiting until morning to start telling people rather than going door-to-door in the middle of the night distributing a newsletter. She gives Berni, and us, a bit more detail about the whereabouts of Colm’s tongue than we really needed to hear, and then says the line we’ve all been waiting for: “Wait till I tell Vince!” Berni tells her that she’ll keep her mouth shut and stay out of it if she has any sense, which of course she does not, and we can tell it’s only a matter of time before the hashtag #CaitrionaIsACheatingFloozy starts trending on Twitter. Well, once Bobbi-Lee gets Evan to create a Twitter account for her and start tweeting on her behalf.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Affair City

Season 21, Episode 29
First aired 13 December 2016

Hiya! Where have you been? I’ve missed you!

As you may or may not have noticed, there’s been a long gap since our last Ros na Recap, caused first by more eye surgery, then broken subtitles, then yet another eye surgery, and then a two-week trip to Dublin and London. But now I’m back, just in the nick of time, because things went MAD this week and we must discuss!

We begin at Vince and Caitríona’s love nest, which is becoming this season’s house of horrors. She enters the empty sitting room looking vaguely stricken, but then smiles to herself when she sees that Vince has left her a note on the counter along with her crazy tape recorder thing, which resembles no device I’ve ever seen before and appears to be from the Lieutenant Uhura Collection. The note instructs her to listen to herself, which shows that Vince is very cross indeed since no one should ever be forced to listen to Caitríona, ever, and her smile turns into diarrhea-face when she hits play and discovers it’s a recording of her and Colm being all flirtatious and double-entendre-y and sexalicious. Oops!

Mack wakes up and finds he’s slept fully-dressed in a hardback chair in what appears to be a doctor’s waiting room, but then we realize it’s the bachelor pad, or wherever Dee lives, or Burger King, or somewhere. He finds a card congratulating him and Dee on their upcoming nuptials, which is a good time for me to point out that in the several weeks since our last recap, this storyline has moved forward tremendously, in the sense that … err … umm…well, we’re pretty much exactly where we were before, except Katy has a bump now and Mack punched someone. Anyway, the card wishes Mack and Dee great fertility, and after a moment’s delay in which he tries to remember which of the sisters he’s knocked up, he looks dismayed.