Crouching Bobbi-Lee, Hidden Andy

Season 20, Episode 71

First aired 28 April 2016

Bobbi-Lee, who is Cuán’s mobile daycare center these days, is pushing him in his stroller when she gets a phone call from Andy. She hesitates, and then just as she’s about to answer, Berni appears, so she throws her phone down the sewer and yells that she doesn’t know what a phone is, and even if she did, she sure wouldn’t use it to talk to Andy. Berni is in a lovely sunny mood, which means she must’ve drawn the Happy Lemon card in her tarot reading this morning, so Bobbi-Lee decides now is her best chance to tell her about Andy without being murdered. Berni, upon hearing that Andy has been released from prison, shoots fire out her nostrils and destroys a passing bus with her laser eye beams, so Bobbi-Lee wisely decides not to volunteer the fact that she’s actually seen him. She tells Berni that Suzanne swears Andy is a changed man, which makes Berni scoff, and then adds that he’s apparently dying, which makes Berni grab Fay Wray and climb the Empire State Building. Berni says Andy’s deathbed redemption is a blatant lie and a scam, and warns Bobbi-Lee that she better not believe him “unless she wants a few more black eyes.” Charming. Berni then exits, presumably to go work the domestic abuse helpline, and leaves Bobbi-Lee standing there asking herself again why she ever speaks to her.

Over at the World’s Saddest Holiday Home, meanwhile, Andy is looking through a bag of kids’ clothing that he’s evidently bought for his impending meeting with Cuán, or possibly going through a bag of Lee’s old baby things, or maybe he’s just robbed Mothercare. He looks pleased with himself, anyway.

Tadhg is still roaming the burnt-out landscape of Áine’s failed party, which they still haven’t cleaned up, when Frances appears carrying the pink school bag, which we can now see clearly has had “Weirdo” written on it and then scribbled out. Now, we know half the time Tadhg doesn’t bother remembering whether Áine is a girl or a boy, but it’s surprising that Frances didn’t see this and figure out that Áine was being bullied in the first place rather than assuming she wrote “Weirdo” on her own bag and then crossed it out. Anyway, she’s going out to buy a replacement bag and suggests Tadhg have an evening of quality daddy-daughter time, but just then John Joe arrives. It seems Frances has called him because she wants him to fix a water problem in the community center, and he reports that Terrible Annette’s mother just died, so we will give Annette a pass on her terribleness this recap. Tadhg is not so gracious, of course, and takes this opportunity to insult Annette, although his interest is piqued when John Joe reports that her father is also very sick, and so she’ll probably have to quit her job as team trainer.

At Gaudi, Pádraig has returned from his vague, unidentified “reunion” and reports he had a good chat with an old friend there, which Katy assumes means he banged or was banged in a cloakroom or possibly abandoned factory. Pádraig clarifies that there was only talk about work, because gay men don’t have sex every time they leave the house, and also because the show has made him completely asexual at this point. He gives up on Katy’s useless conversational skills and approaches Jason with his new idea, which involves them starting a catering business. Jason is about as interested in this as he apparently is in figuring out where the hell Eimear went, and therefore doesn’t even bother looking up from his phone until Tadhg appears and commands him to go collect Áine from school at 1pm. Jason is evasive and insists he needs to go to the cash and carry, not at all suspiciously of course, and he and Katy and Pádraig go round and round for a while about who is going where, with the resolution being that Jason will go to the cash and carry, PROBABLY FOR DRUGS OR AT LEAST HOOKERS; Katy will collect Áine; and Pádraig will sit at the bar alone with a Men’s Health magazine, drawing willies and devil horns on the models while sobbing quietly.

Mack arrives home to Dee all abuzz about their imminent Bank Holiday weekend minibreak, and she minibreaks the news that she has to work. He is, of course, upset, because he was really looking forward to going away, and because he got a really great deal on the hotel just because it is only semi-on-fire. She seems way more excited about going to work than we get the impression she ever was about their trip, and chirps that she’ll make it up to him later as she bounces out the door. Mack should take Pádraig on the dirty weekend to the Craggy Island Travelodge, because that would really show Dee!

Speaking of Pádraig, he and his new BFF Áine are sitting at the bar at Gaudi, which is serving as her post-school halfway house this afternoon. He’s busily writing the latest sad entry in The Secret Diary of Pádraig Ó Loingsigh, Aged 31¾, but she’s bored and wants to be entertained. She doesn’t like any of his fun suggestions, which include folding napkins, polishing glasses, and seeing how far away she can travel in 24 hours with only €24, and decides she’s going to come up with an important job of her own. Judging by the look in her eye, it’s going to involve one or more felonies. And a lolly.

Out in the street, Tadhg is hounding Micheál about how he’s the obvious choice to take over the football team now that Annette is dead or whatever, presenting a one-act play about how he was the first publican on the moon and a diorama in a shoebox depicting how he saved some children from a flood. Micheál says the other parents hate him, and right on cue a group of them walk past on their way to the community center and ignore Tadhg’s forced pleasantries and non-spitting on them. John Joe appears with his toolbox to fix the water, but Tadhg stops him and offers to pay him not to do the job.

Bobbi-Lee appears on Andy’s doorstep alone, explaining that she would’ve brought Cuán except he’s sick, with, err, a sore throat. And a tipped uterus. And he’s been at the clinic—no, the hospital—all morning. But otherwise she TOTALLY would’ve brought him. She awkwardly asks Andy how he’s doing, and he’s basically like, “Still dying,” and then adds that he hasn’t heard a word from Suzanne since she left. So there is a bright side. Bobbi-Lee suggests they go for a spin to pass the afternoon, so he goes to the other room to get his coat and crash helmet, and she starts snooping around the room. She opens a suitcase and finds it’s full of Suzanne’s jewelry and pashminas and character turbans, and it looks like series 2 Edina Monsoon exploded in there. Andy of course walks in on her in mid-snoop and asks her what she’s doing, and she looks stricken.

Back at Gaudi, Áine has five giant ice cream and jelly parfaits set up on the bar in front of her, and we hope Frances is buying new sheets and pillowcases in addition to a new schoolbag, because there will be vomiting tonight. Just then David appears with Réailtín in tow, and the girls exchange awkward-yet-hopeful glances. Pádraig is all, “Oh, David! Fancy seeing you and Réailtín here!” and explains that Áine probably needs help with her very important job of selecting a new dessert for the kiddies’ menu. Well, three of them appear to be exactly the same thing, so that should make her job easier. Réailtín sits down next to her and they happily start eating, but David is unsure about this, because Micheál will be furious. Pádraig says Micheál can get bent, because he shouldn’t have dragged his daughter into his spat with Tadhg in the first place, but then David points out that Áine punched Réailtín in the face, and a horrified Pádraig looks at Áine with terror, because he realizes a) she knows where he lives and b) he can’t take a punch.

Andy is explaining to a furious Bobbi-Lee that Suzanne left that bag of stuff behind, but she sarcastically marvels at how lucky he is that she left the one with the “expensive” stuff behind. I estimate she could get 20 quid for the whole thing on Bargain Hunt, including the suitcase. Somebody get David Dickinson in here. Andy says he called Suzanne and asked her to come get it, but she refused, so Bobbi-Lee assumes it’s because Suzanne is afraid of him, and presents into evidence a scenario she just imagined in which Andy slapped Suzanne and then buried her in the garden and dressed up in her clothing to go empty her bank account. He tries to defend himself, but he knows there’s no way to stop this particular train when it’s barreling down the hill. She gets all up in his face, he turns angrily toward her, she falls to her knees cowering, and the camera angle makes her look like the citizens of Tokyo cowering from Godzilla.

After the break, it seems that John Joe has amazingly been unable to fix the water in the community center, so generous and saint-like Tadhg is herding them into their substitute meeting place, his pub. We should all try to be more Tadhg-like in these troubled times.

Bobbi-Lee is still cowering under Suzanne’s suitcase, and a sad Andy can’t believe that after all that’s happened since his return, she still assumed he was going to hit her. He says he’s going to lie down, and sadly asks Bobbi-Lee to give Cuán a kiss for her before she flees.

At the café, Berni gives Jason “the box she was telling him about,” which we will care about later, or not. Dee is in a booth working on her laptop, so Mack stops by to guilt her about the failed vacation. She explains that she just got a new case today, which she’s excited about, and he sulks that he’ll never get to see her now because of her dumb ol’ job. Her mood does a 180, or perhaps a 540, and she mopes that she might not even take the case, because she’s thinking about giving up her law career after the whole Muiris thing. This causes Mack to insist that she can’t give up her career because of that scumbag, and in fact she should go out and lawyer EXTRA-HARD now. Oh, Mack.

Bobbi-Lee is nursing a brandy at the pub and looking sad when Suzanne mopes in, and now she has transformed into series 1 Edina Monsoon. I swear she’s wearing the hideous “Lacroix, sweetie, Lacroix!” top from the first episode. She seems very broken-down and depressed, but of course she’s still able to also be annoyed and snotty, because this is Suzanne we’re talking about. She asks Bobbi-Lee what was up with all the weird voicemails, and Bobbi-Lee says she was afraid Andy had hit her. Suzanne can’t believe Bobbi-Lee is even asking her this question, and Bobbi-Lee is all, “There’s no shame in it! Here’s the number of a battered-women’s shelter!”, and then insists that Andy also stole from Suzanne even though she, you know, doesn’t remember it. Suzanne says she left that bag o’ crap there, and hasn’t been back for it because she hasn’t felt like dealing with it. She scolds Bobbi-Lee for assuming the worst, and throws in her face that Andy is still hung up on her, even though she doesn’t have the time of day for him. It would be the best episode ever if Suzanne tries to win Andy back by showing up dressed as Bobbi-Lee’s twin, complete with her hairdo, and singing Loretta Lynn songs. Show, make a note of it.

A buoyant Pádraig bounces into Gaudi and tells Katy that Jason loved his proposal for some boring thing, but Katy is interested only in the part in which Jason still exists, because she thought he went to the cash and carry. Pádraig says he saw Jason with a box, but that it didn’t look like it came from the cash and carry, and there is a hilarious mistaken-identity storyline ripe for the picking here involving Jason’s involvement with Berni’s box.

At the pub, the parents are about to elect a new trainer for the team, and Tadhg is sucking up to the voters by giving them free drinks and shaking hands and kissing babies. He then loses the vote to someone he calls Four Eyes Seáinín, so he yanks the drinks out of the parents’ hands and throws everyone out of his pub, shouting insults at them on their way out.

Bobbi-Lee arrives at Andy’s, carrying Cuán, which makes New Grandpa look very happy indeed.

Tadhg shows up at Gaudi and sees that Áine and Réailtín have made up thanks to the peacemaking powers of Pádraig and ice cream, and he can’t decide which he’s going to destroy first: Micheál, Réailtín, Pádraig, or the world’s ice cream supply.

Back at the Holiday Home Of Intermittent Horror, Andy is holding Cuán and looking thrilled and doting, and we should point out that Cuán has a dummy, KATY. Andy notes that Cuán looks just like Lee, and wonders if she’s looking down on the three of them right now. Bobbi-Lee is distant and evasive, so he helpfully and morbidly adds that he’ll be seeing Lee soon, unless of course he goes to hell, and finally she hisses for him to knock it off. He says he’s grateful to meet Cuán, and that he’d like a photograph of him to take with him when he goes away to die. Bobbi-Lee asks him where he’s going, and he’s like, “I dunno, probably an alley or gutter,” and she thinks for a bit and then says he should stay in the holiday house and she’ll take care of him. He says no, that he couldn’t ask her to do that, and besides, Berni wouldn’t like it, and everyone knows Berni is far more terrifying than death. She insists she wants to do it, and that she’ll handle Berni. Hopefully there are dental records with which Bobbi-Lee's remains can be identified when Berni finds out about all this.

Angry Tadhg is ranting to Frances about Four Eyes Seáinín, and the ungrateful parents and their ugly children, and how they are all going to burn in hell, and the usual. She rolls her eyes and wanders away as John Joe arrives, so Tadhg rants to him for a bit and then throws him out too, after giving him the bribe money and telling him he hopes he doesn’t live long enough to spend it. Why do people talk to Tadhg again?

Jason is up close and personal with Berni’s box when he gets a call from a priest, but he can’t talk because Katy comes home. He awkwardly tries to distract her from the giant box sitting on the kitchen counter, and then goes to take a phone call from Bobbi-Lee, and Katy makes a beeline for the box, in which she finds … a wedding planning book!

Next time: a distraught Berni tells Bobbi-Lee she’s been robbed! By which she means, somebody has charged €3000 on her credit card! Which is strange, because Berni has had it the whole time, right, Bobbi-Lee??? So, maybe Bobbi-Lee will be reunited with Lee before Andy after all.