Oh No, Anto

Season 21, Episode 59

First aired 28 March 2017

We open out in the street, where Micheál is complaining to Laoise that Réailtín hasn’t spoken a word to him since he told her the sad story of Pauline’s death last episode and that she’s even been staying at Berni’s because she doesn’t want to be around him. You know things are bad when someone chooses to be around Berni instead of you. They wander off, and then we see Tadhg harassing Mo about when the Séamus-brand poitín is going to be ready, which we had completely forgotten was a thing, since we haven’t seen any since that time David almost killed that stupid kid with it. She says fine poison can’t be rushed, and is then distracted by Colm, who’s down the street speaking suspiciously to someone she doesn’t know, but who looks a bit like David if you turned the Neanderthal up by 20% and the Fred Flintstone down by 25%. She thinks it must be the business associate Colm has been banging on about, but Tadhg tells her it’s famous criminal Anto Ó Murchú. Because, you know, it’s wise to be seen hanging around town with convicted felons the day before the hearing in which you’re hoping to prove you’ve been wrongly accused.

Over at the café, Caitríona is complaining to Vince that Annette is suing her over the seaweed incident outside the salon. It took us a long time to get here, but we’ve finally gotten some payoff in this stupid seaweed story, in the sense that it is annoying Caitríona. It seems Annette claims she broke her nose when she landed on it, and Caitríona brilliantly hisses, “I should have hit her to make sure her nose was really broken.” Heh. She wants to call Annette to harass her, and possibly to burp into the phone and then hang up, but Vince distracts her by reminding her that tomorrow Colm will be walking out of court a vindicated man thanks to her. Thanks, Caitríona. As a result, the media will want to talk to her, presumably because they too blame her for his annoying antics. Besides, her book is being launched next week, so this will be a chance for her to flog it. I hope her name is misspelled “Boobi-Lee” on the cover, too. Berni comes over to ask how Gráinne’s seaweed is going, so Caitríona lies and says it’s “iontach,” because she doesn’t know how to say “lawsuit-inducing” in Irish. She passive-aggressively asks where Sorcha is, because she hasn’t seen her around recently and therefore assumes she must be in prison or rehab or somewhere, but Berni snots that she’s just started a business studies course in Galway, actually, and then storms off. Caitríona knows she’s lost this one, because poor Gráinne couldn’t find her way to a business studies course in Galway in a cab, so she snatches up her phone and proceeds to call a radio station to get some publicity for her stupid book.

At Gaudi, John Joe tells Dee that the baby, whose name turns out to be Jay, is going to be released from the hospital tonight, and she looks disappointed, though not as visibly disappointed as Katy was when Jason told her the imaginary DNA test he made up showed that he was the baby’s father. The Daly sisters are like a box of chocolates, in that you never know what you’re going to get, but also like dinner at McDonald’s, in that there’s a 50% chance you will get food poisoning. Mack arrives, having been out running baby-related errands, which annoys Dee because she doesn’t want either of them having to do with this marriage-wrecking baby, who’s totally boring and can’t even read or walk. She further fumes that everyone’s running around after Katy, as usual, and when John Joe returns to remind them that there’s going to be a welcome-home do tonight, she looks as enthused as if he’s just invited her to the unveiling of the nude self-portraits he’s been working on with his new high-def camera.

Back at the café, Colm is looking at adverts in Getaway Car Monthly or similar, and Mo comes over to semi-flirt with him or whatever it is she thinks she’s doing. She asks him about the thug he was hanging around with earlier, and he says it’s someone he “did some work for one time,” and that he might have some more work for him in the future, err, building houses. You can totally hear the inverted commas in his voice. Caitríona drags him away to tell him they need to start their book publicity blitz now, doing Graham Norton and Sesame Street and so on, but he’s mysteriously evasive and immediately bogs off, even faster than people usually do when Caitríona tries to talk to them.

Micheál and Berni are over at her place discussing the Hong Kong-style handover of Réailtín. She sadly confirms that Réailtín still hates him, and tries to shoo him away before she arrives home from school in hopes of avoiding a teen tantrum, because she has enough of those to deal with sharing a house with Bobbi-Lee. On his way out, he asks her to give Réailtín her birthday present, which apparently he’s been carrying around this whole time. It’s the mobile she’s been wanting, because he thinks she doesn’t have one with apps, and of course Berni’s like, “Yes, she does.” Micheál is confused, because he can’t imagine how Réailtín can acquire anything without his assistance.

We have an exterior establishing shot of the pub that goes on a beat too long, and then inside, Mack and Dee are putting on their coats and sharpening their claws, respectively, in preparation to go to the baby-come-homing party. They head out, as if they’re on the way to the electric chair, and Frances and Tadhg are right behind them, laden down with gold, frankincense, and a Poo & Play or whatever nonsense babies are into these days. Anto enters just as they’re leaving, and Tadhg tells Mo to call him if there’s any trouble. Surely calling Áine would be a better idea, what with her superhero sword and all. Anto slithers up to the bar and is creepy and vaguely menacing, but because Colm has made Mo immune to these qualities, she doesn’t recognize them when she sees them anymore. Oh, dear.

The baby party starts up as Jason and Katy arrive home, and they look as if they’ve just come home from two weeks’ holiday to discover a pack of dogs with diarrhea have broken in and set up residence. Frances carries on in a high-pitched squealing manner until Katy hands her the baby to shut her up, and then Máire, who’s standing around expectantly as if she’s about to take communion, summons her uncanny ability to say the most awkward thing possible in any situation, announcing loudly that the baby doesn’t look like Jason AT ALL. You can hear various eyes bug out on stalks around the room at this, and then Frances manages to make things even more uncomfortable by trying to hand the baby to Dee, who would rather play Jenga with a pile of cobras. Katy claims Dee can’t hold the baby because she’s been sick recently (yes, with a case of Katy-itis), so Frances hands him to Mack instead, which gives half the room instant vomit-face.

Over at Gaudi, Caitríona shows Vince the detective work she’s been doing today, which has revealed that Anto has been in prison. Let’s be honest, you could’ve guessed that by looking at him. He also connections to O’Dowd and Tina, two people I don’t know, but who are apparently shady. Vince tells her to stay out of it, but she’s convinced that Colm is hiding something and she’s determined to get to the bottom of it, which she demonstrates by narrowing her eyes so tightly they look like coin slots in a vending machine.

Bobbi-Lee is behind the bar looking over at Anto and encouraging Mo to go find out if he’s single, despite the fact that he’s practically carving his name into the table with a switchblade while giving himself a prison tattoo. Charming. Also, the wardrobe department seems to have given Bobbi-Lee somebody else’s clothes today. Mo takes him over a drink on the house to thank him for employing Colm, who arrives right on cue and is unhappy to see them together. In fact, he is so alarmed that he walks over and gives Mo a kiss on the lips, and then announces to Anto that she’s his longtime girlfriend, so he’d prefer that he please choose someone else to murder and dismember today. He drags Mo aside and hisses to her that he lied earlier, and that Anto is actually someone he met in prison (gasp!) who is very dangerous (eek!) and that she should stay away from him (no way!). You know somebody’s bad news when Colm thinks he’s scum.

At Gaudi, Micheál is deep in thought, which you can tell because there is smoke coming out of his ears. He tells a passing Laoise and David that Réailtín’s acquired a phone somehow, and that he thinks she might have stolen it. Eventually Laoise confesses that she gave her the phone, so Micheál goes berserk and informs Laoise it’s all her fault that Mikey is back in town and Réailtín has moved out and everything is ruined. Right, because without Laoise, there would’ve been absolutely no way for Réailtín to contact Mikey, such as using any of her friends’ phones, or the computers at school, or at the library. For God’s sake, Micheál, biros practically have internet access now. He storms off in a huff, but finds time to insult David on his way out. Fortunately for him he’s already gone before David realizes what’s happened and can break out the karate.

Caitríona and Colm are at the pub arguing about who’s hanging out with a known felon and who wrote a book about whom and so on, and eventually Colm hisses that the only reason bad-news Anto is even around is because of Caitríona’s stupid article. It seems Anto thinks Colm is loaded now, so he’s afraid if he does more interviews, more lowlife will come out of the woodwork looking for money. I think he’s overestimating how much anyone cares about anything Caitríona says or does. She asks him to promise her nothing dodgy is going on, but of course this is pointless, because Colm can only survive in environments that are at least 50% dodgy. On her way out, Anto blocks her way and is super-creepy and menacing, and I’m sure somewhere off-camera Bobbi-Lee is watching this and applying lipstick and hiking up her boobs, because this behavior in a man is like catnip to her.

After the break, during which we learn that giant green amoebas are coming to eat our hair, Katy and Jason are hiding in a corner with the baby, wondering quietly when all the annoying partygoers are going to leave. As if Katy has ever had any qualms about ordering people to leave as soon as she’s tired of them. Over at the sink, Mack is irritated because Dee is in a mood. He reminds her that the baby’s not his, but she replies that yes, but he could have been, so therefore she’s justified in continuing to be angry at him indefinitely. That’s some serious lawyering right there. John Joe comes over and says they should probably all clear out, because Katy and Jason seem tired. I think his first clue was the giant “GO AWAY” sign Katy was holding up. John Joe, Mack, and Dee leave, but Máire hangs around and makes some awkward remarks about godparents, so Katy and Jason whisper to each other that Dee is completely unsuitable, so they’ll have to find someone else. Anto is probably available. Katy proposes Pádraig, but Jason ignores her and wanders off.

Micheál has burst into Berni’s to haul Réailtín home, whether she likes it or not. Oh, but this is the night of the week they stay in and file down Berni’s corns! He screams that Réailtín is out of control, with her drinking and Mikey and Hollyoaks, but Berni tries to explain that this is just what teenagers do, because they are terrible. He doesn’t want to hear about it, especially after what a loser Evan turned out to be, so he screams at the bedroom door until Réailtín emerges and then grabs her by the arm and physically drags her out, shouting. Usually people are dragged into Berni’s flat shouting.

Back at the smoldering ruins of the party, Jason is nowhere to be found and Katy is in a coma, so Pádraig decides it’s time to extricate hangers-on Tadhg, Frances, and Máire and send them on their way. After the oldies leave, Jason reappears and thanks Pádraig for everything, which Katy takes as her cue to ask him to be Jay’s godfather. He’s so thrilled he doesn’t notice Jason standing beside him making pukey faces. Oh, I hope this isn’t going someplace that’s going to make us dislike Jason.

Micheál and Réailtín are having a screaming argument over at their place, which you can tell she is winning, because she’s the only one who manages to keep her arms crossed defiantly the entire time. I’ve known girls who managed to keep their arms crossed defiantly nonstop from ages 13 to 18. He tells her she’s been out of control ever since they left wholesome Saturn to move to glamorous, go-go Ros na Rún, with its all-night ATM and, err, bench. Just imagine how much trouble she could be getting into right now if Tadhg had opened that hostel full of German backpackers. He tells her that they’ll be moving back home, but she screams that she’s not letting him drag her back to the house where he killed her mother. Well, I can see why that would go into the “negatives” column if this were Homes Under The Hammer.

Back at the pub, Bobbi-Lee is repeatedly recapping that time Colm kissed Mo, which for some reason Mo doesn’t want to keep reliving. Well, if she thinks that was unpleasant, wait till she sees what’s about to happen. Mo finally sends her home, because she’d rather do the cleaning-up on her own than wait for the next act, which is clearly going to consist of Bobbi-Lee drawing faces on her hands and then having them kiss each other. Of course, you don’t have to tell Bobbi-Lee to stop working twice, so she leers at Mo a few more times and then vanishes. Mo goes over to Colm and tells him they’re closing, so he apologizes again, but she’s angry that he lied to her. She should be more angry that he’s a terrible person who won’t leave her alone. She half-heartedly tells him that they’re still friends and then makes him, and the other punters, clear off.

Katy and Jason are finally alone, and he’s in a mood because she asked Pádraig to be the godfather without discussing it with him first. Well, to be fair, she suggested it and you ignored her. You had your chance. For no apparent reason he cites the imaginary DNA test to support his position, which makes no sense, especially since, as Katy points out, it was imaginary. He reminds her that no one will ever know it was fake if they keep their mouths shut, ha ha ha, and Katy bitterly says she doesn’t even know why they’re arguing. Well, that’s kind of the basis of your relationship.

The pub is closed and the lights are down, and as Mo is cleaning up, she hears a noise coming from the toilets. She asks if someone’s there, and of course Anto hulks in menacingly. He has the special ability to be frighteningly backlit at all times. She keeps backing up as he walks towards her, and she repeatedly tells her to leave, and then he backs her up against the wall and starts threateningly sneering that Colm is very lucky to have a woman like her. He leans in very close and tells her he’d be very happy to have a woman like her, AIEEEEE, and it looks like he’s going to try to kiss her, and we are not liking this at all. We keep hoping Mo will pull a dart from the dartboard behind her and stab him repeatedly in the face with it, but before she has to, he tells her to call him when he gets tired of Colm, and finally leaves.

Over at their place, Caitríona has announced to Vince that she’s going to hire a private detective to investigate Annette. Yes, if she’s got a pattern of breaking her nose by slipping and falling on seaweed in the middle of town, they need to know about it. She continues reciting the list of people she hates by telling him that she ran into Anto in the pub, and that he was mocking her for believing Colm is innocent. To be fair, that’s worth mocking. He tells her to calm down, because tomorrow Colm will be vindicated thanks to her and then she can concentrate on the book launch, but something is still bothering her. I mean besides Vince. She shows him on her laptop that she’s discovered that Anto still lives at the same address he did before he went to prison, and that it was bought and sold five times within a two-year period. Even more suspiciously, Colm’s mother was one of the buyers, but she only owned it for three months, during which she never lived in it. Vince stupidly suggests it could just be a coincidence, but Caitríona knows a money-laundering scheme when she sees it! Well, I’m sure Gráinne has a seaweed paste that will clean that dirty money right up.