"Hola. I Seem To Have Lost-o My Baby-o, Gracias!"

Season 21, Episode 72

First aired 11 May 2017

It’s moving day for Katy, who is standing in the middle of the street daring cars to hit her, and Jason, who seems to have been spending a lot of time at the gym recently. Also Cuán, but not necessarily Jay, as we will be seeing shortly. Jason and his pecs are positively glowing, but Katy looks dour and alarmed, as if she has a terrible feeling she’s about to forget something, but doesn’t know what.

Over at the B&B, Máire is harassing Adam and his two black eyes about how he should phone the Gardaí about how he was attacked by Lex Luthor and the Legion of Doom last episode, but he brightly brushes her off. For some reason he’s still wearing the blood-soaked shirt he was wearing last episode, which I highly doubt Máire would allow. I was going to say “because of her long history of working at the launderette,” but then realized I may in fact be thinking of Dot Cotton. There’s more discussion of how the armed bandidos rode off on their space motorcycles with his wallet, and then she plops said wallet onto the table and tells him to cut the crap. Oh, and we keep getting tight shots of a baby monitor we’ve never seen before, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say I have NO IDEA how this might fit into the proceedings.

Katy and Jason are stressed because the moving van has arrived and they haven’t finished packing yet. John Joe offers to help, but Katy turns him down because he’s got a bad back, and also she doesn’t have time for him to get drunk and tearfully summarize the plot of Darby O’Gill and the Little People again. He explains that his back is fine as long as he doesn’t lift anything heavy, which fortunately is not the sort of thing one has to do while moving, and then rings Mack and Dee to come help. Mack’s hunky burliness will be useful, but I suspect that Dee is far too busy dancing a jig today to go over, although she might make an exception if she feels it will get Katy off her island one minute sooner.

Back at the House of Lies and Ben Cohen Posters, Adam explains that, OK, that story about the ghost cowboys with machetes may have been a lie, but here’s a new one that is at least 20 percent true. Today’s fairytale involves him getting into a fight with some rowdy lads who were harassing a poor barmaid, who was probably a single mother, and possibly also a nun. He was able to rescue her, but unfortunately he got punched in the process, because while he was able to fight off the first dozen, when another busload arrived, he was overwhelmed. It’s like how the Titanic was able to fend off the first iceberg, but was helpless against the next three and then the Death Star. It’s unclear whether Máire is buying any of what he’s selling, but she manages to keep a straight face, and then insists he call the Gardaí. He asks her to give him a minute to think up a response to that, and then informs her that it was a stag party from the midlands who’ll be long gone by now, and besides, if Fia finds out she’ll be angry that he got involved, because with his Navy SEAL training and Olympic silver medal in Ass Kicking, he could’ve killed someone, and then Liam Óg would have to grow up without a dad. You may recall Adam from his film role as Deadpool. Máire is, hilariously, like a dog with a bone, and insists that there was probably CCTV outside the pub, but Adam assures her there wasn’t, because it just so happens that he did a college project on the location of all the CCTV cameras in Ireland, and wherever this happened wasn’t one of them. This really is comedy gold.

Over at the shop, Frances and Tadhg kill some time with a leisurely conversation about whether they should go to the airport to see Katy and Jason off, and why they’re going to Spain anyway. There’s some serious stretching going on here, stopping just short of them having a turn-by-turn discussion of various routes one might take to the airport and the pros and cons of each. Tadhg blames Katy, what with her being a complete arse and all, but Frances reminds him that Jason isn’t innocent in this either, given that he’s been a real dick and a half lately. I’m paraphrasing. This is all getting a bit too real for Tadhg, so he concludes that he doesn’t give a damn where Jason goes and storms out. He’s clearly upset about Jason and the grandchildren going, and it’s always nice to be reminded that there’s a soft, gooey center underneath his tough exterior, like a Tootsie Pop, or those Easter candies that have a hard sugar shell, then a layer of milk chocolate under that, and then a sharp, windpipe-sized plastic toy in the middle.

The café has been transformed into a branch of Colm & Seán’s Mobile Money-Laundering Emporium, and you can tell there is serious wheeling and dealing going on here because Colm has an extremely complicated graph on his laptop screen. My guess is that Excel blew up due to an excess of porn-related viruses and spyware. Seán tells him he needs to hurry up and launder that money (“Welcome to Ireland’s #1 new game show! Launder! That! Money!”), but Colm insists that these things take time, because you need to, like, know the names of companies and stuff. Colm angrily ignores a phone call from someone, and there is Anto-related threatening, and we really don’t care about any of this.

Outside, Laoise is furious, because Colm won’t take any of her calls. Surely she should be used to that from him by now. She runs into O’Shea and explains to her that she hasn’t been able to start selling her vegetables at the Mongolian barbecue restaurant or wherever Micheál works because Colm won’t answer her phone calls. I don’t know, either. It turns out O’Shea has only expressed interest in Laoise’s life as a pleasantry, and is in fact actually here to burble excitedly that Eric “would love to move in on a temporary basis.” Once she finds out about him and Laoise, it may a lot more temporary than even he imagines. Laoise is noncommittal and torn, because on one hand, it’s going to be a lot tougher having secret sex with Eric if he’s constantly in bed with O’Shea, but on the other hand, Micheál is boring. We see her dilemma. Oh, and then Micheál shows up screaming because Réailtín is going on a school trip to France and forgot her passport and is on fire or something, and also, vegetables! I bet all that no-strings-attached sex with Colm isn’t looking so bad now, eh, Laoise? Especially the role-playing, in which she pretended to be the polytunnel and he pretended to be an aphid infestation.

At Gaudi, Pádraig and Adam are having a rousing round of “You have to tell Fia”/“No I don’t,” which is at least progress over their “You like guys”/“No, you like guys!” arguments of the past month. Máire arrives and notes that they seem to be deep in discussion, smugly confident that something fishy is going on here and she’s going to get to the bottom of it. Based on all the episodes of Scooby Doo she’s seen over the years, she’s operating under a theory that Adam is not in fact a scary ghost, but is actually an elaborate hoax involving a smuggler trying to scare investors away from the old mill using a slide projector. Everybody rolls their eyes when Adam brightly says, “I was just telling Pádraig that I told you the truth!”, and then there’s a discussion of how honesty is always the best policy, and also how under his tough-guy exterior, Jason Statham is probably a very tender yet commanding lover. Máire insists that Adam’s making a mistake by not reporting this imaginary crime to the Gardaí, but Adam says it would be a waste of time. That applies to a number of things that are going on here. Máire is like a cat toying with its prey here, asking a number of questions about CCTV and such that force Adam to elaborate on his tale, adding a smoke break and a spaceship and a visit from Santa Claus. Now I’m positive he’s brought Mack in as a consultant on this.

Katy is standing in the middle of her flat yelling at everyone as they carry boxes back and forth and ask where everything should go. I swear if you diagrammed this scene you’d find that as many boxes are going into the flat as out of it, but I suppose this is what happens when you ask people like Mack and Gráinne to help you move. It’s like that time Mo was surprised that her unpaid building squad of Mack, John Joe, and David weren’t able to complete the Rio Olympic stadium on time. I may be mixing up multiple storylines here. Anyway, panicky Katy is at the end of her tether, and there’s arguing with Jason about who’s going to pick up Cuán at the factory where he works now, and the only one who’s not miserable is Dee, who’s leaving a trail of spring flowers everywhere she steps and joyfully kicking the boxes marked “FRAGILE” down the stairs repeatedly.

Harried Laoise is minding the hula-hoop shop for Micheál while he’s rushing Réailtín’s chastity belt to the airport, and Máire is trying to tell her how something about Adam’s story doesn’t add up. Well, it adds up, but to a fabulous sum that she is not expecting. Of course, Laoise could not care less about whether Madam got bugged in the car or whatever the hell Máire is banging on about. I mean, she’s even less interested in what Máire is saying than usual, which is saying something. Undeterred, Inspector Máirse points out to no one that there must be something bad going on, because Pádraig never lies, apart from that time he assured her that her new Easter frock was lovely because polyester upholstery fabric was totes in fashion again.

Across at the shop, Caitríona is making sure that the assembled crowd knows she’s going to an important world authors’ conference in Dublin under the guise of pretending to care about Maeve. Vince assures her that he can take care of one little girl, especially given that she appears less frequently than Halley’s Comet, but Caitríona is worried, because Harold Pinter, the Dalai Lama, and the reanimated corpse of William Shakespeare are absolutely counting on her attendance and the entire conference, and possibly the earth, will fall apart if she’s not there. You can tell things are bad because even Vince is fed up with her, and he loves her, or at least all his stuff is at her place and so he doesn’t feel like moving right now.  Somebody else who also does not feel like moving right now but does feel like punching Caitríona in her throat is Katy, who is holding the baby carrier and waiting for Caitríona to shut up or die or whatever so Vince can give her some boxes. Caitríona tries to tell her about the 103rd Annual Caitríona Ní Loideáin And Maybe Some Other People Literary Festival, and also makes up some nonsense about Áine to demonstrate what a caring person she is, and then Frances interrupts to ask Katy something about Tadhg, and Vince’s hair seems oddly black all of a sudden, and all this combines to send Katy into a class 12 tizzy. She finally grabs the boxes and escapes into the street, fuming to Jay in his carrier that all these idiot feckers have made them ever so late. She starts loading the empty boxes into her car, and then her phone rings, and it’s Jason asking a bunch of stupid questions about whether Cuán is still alive or something, and she really does not have time for this right now. Another thing she does not have time for is remembering to put Jay in the car, so she gets in and drives off, leaving him sitting in his carrier seat on the pavement, wondering if it’s too late to try his luck being raised by Mack.

After the break, during which we run outside to make sure no one has abandoned a baby next to our car, Colm has popped by the bombed-out post-apocalyptic hellhole where Anto works for their book club, which this month has read Eat Pray Love. Also possibly to get murdered. Anto, who is looking particularly Frankenstein-y, informs Colm that he wants his money ASAP, plus a profit. Fortunately we cut away before Colm starts warning him about investment risks and realities in today’s volatile market, because TG4 spent all the money in this month’s blood budget last episode on Adam.

Katy’s car is now parked somewhere different, i.e., 12 feet around the corner from where we last saw it, and while loading crap in it, she realizes she’s misplaced Jay and starts panicking. She runs around the corner screaming with John Joe in hot pursuit, or at least as hot as any pursuit involving John Joe is likely to be, and along the way she collects Jason, who notices that Cuán also seems to be missing. That’s Cuán’s problem, I guess. Before this snowball can barrel down the street accumulating even more characters, such as Bobbi-Lee and Evan, who do not even know who half these people are, a smiling Frances emerges from the shop with sweetly sleeping Jay in his carrier. She’s probably enjoyed this time with him since it’s the first opportunity she’s had to spend any time with him without Katy buzzing around screaming like an unhinged fly. She explains that someone named Beatle Dan or similar noticed him sitting on the pavement, and after determining that he was not in fact waiting for a bus, turned him into the Baby Lost & Found Office. Everyone is calm except Katy, who is understandably completely frantic, and then agrees with bystander Tadhg that she is a terrible mother, and also a complete wagon. That last part is implied. She yells at Jason that they’re crazy to be leaving, what with their general incompetence and all, and then runs off sobbing. I am more interested in why Katy needed to get in the car to drive 12 feet around the corner and get out again, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

At the roller disco where Micheál works, the love square is in full force, and they are all sexily discussing bus routes and potato stew and so on. I can’t believe this sort of filth is allowed before the watershed. We then cut to Sadness Beach, which we haven’t seen since Bobbi-Lee sold her song to Jenny Burp, who then came in 29th place in Eurovision with it while representing Vatican City. John Joe has followed crying Katy there, and she sobs to him that she’s not able to do all this, and that she’s going to be up/over/down in Tenerife trying to take care of two children alone while Jason works all day, plus she’s just realized that she doesn’t even speak Tenerifish. Well, the key to bluffing your way through any foreign language is to spew gibberish loudly and confidently, and then when people don’t understand you, get indignant, as if it’s their fault. John Joe tells her a story about the time he left her in the bookies and didn’t realize it until months later, by which time she had become the assistant manager. Presumably this was while he was off being the only Irish person in London. Katy doesn’t remember this, and is also pooed because when he abandoned Dee it was at Disneyland. She’s sad to be leaving Ros na Rún, and will miss John Joe, sort of, but he encourages her that she’s doing the right thing, and she realizes the moral of the story is that all parents are negligent, and it’s OK as long as you don’t get caught. She needs Adam’s map of all the CCTV cameras in Europe so she’ll know where it is and isn’t safe to lose Jay.

Caitríona is just finishing packing her suitcase on the coffee table in the middle of the living room, which is where everyone on this show packs their bags, when Maeve toddles in with her suitcase, announcing that she too is going to Dublin for the World Caitríona Conference. Caitríona explains that Maeve can’t come with her because she’s got school, and besides, she’ll be so busy at the conference she won’t have any time to talk to her. She says that as if it’s a bad thing. Maeve vanishes and Caitríona frets rhetorically to Vince that perhaps she shouldn’t go after all, even though JK Rowling and James Joyce will be devastated if she’s not there, but Vince insists she go, because he really needs some time away from her nonsense, and besides, the deposit he put on the busload of strippers is non-refundable.

Máire corners Laoise in the B&B kitchen and tells her she’s got more information on this Adam mystery, and it’s not good. Of course Laoise has forgotten all about this, and thought Adam moved to Dubai with that drunk girl anyway, because she only semi-pays attention to anyone but herself. It seems Máire has interrogated O’Shea about this, and she’s sure there was no stag party in Spiddal last night. Clearly the local police don’t have enough to do if they keep a calendar of stag parties and hen nights. Máire’s conclusion is that Adam is taking drugs again, whereas Laoise has reached a different conclusion, which is that this is none of Máire’s business and she should keep her big nose out of it. Máire 0, Laoise 1. Of course, “none of your business” is not a phrase Máire is familiar with, but before she can protest, Laoise projects her love-triangle-rage onto her and screams that Fia is lucky that she can be with the man she wants, and that everybody is an idiot, especially Micheál and Eric and O’Shea! And Colm! Laoise storms off upstairs, and there’s a hilarious moment where we think she’s shut herself in her room and started blasting loud techno music, but it turns out it’s Adam, who helpfully narrates that he is up in Fia’s room and decided to play some music because he thought he was alone, but now that he knows he is not, he is sorry to be a nuisance and will consider turning it down at some point in the future. Of course he doesn’t, but this is Máire’s cue to switch on the baby monitor from earlier and hold it up to her ear, presumably because she is a big fan of techno music or Phat*Jamz or whatever the kids are listening to these days.

Colm and Seán are back at the café in the same positions with the same graph on Colm’s screen, but the extras in the background have moved around to indicate the passage of time. Colm complains that this is a fine mess Seán has gotten him into, but then discovers there is a button on his computer that, if he presses it, he will make €4,789. I would very much like to know where this button might be located on my computer. Seán is excited because that kind of dosh will really get that big ape Anto off their backs for a while, but Colm is reluctant because he knows going through with this transaction will make him Anto’s lapdog for life, and he’s not sure that’s something he wants. Another option would be for him to call the Gardaí and report Anto’s criminal activities, which I for one would be very much in favor of.

Another going-away party has broken out, this time at Gaudi’s, and there is hugging and kissing and probably food past its expiration date. Jason tells Pádraig to call him if he has any problems with the restaurant, but Pádraig puts his hand on his shoulder and confidently tells him not to worry, because by the time they return to Ireland, Gaudi will be a smoldering hole in the ground. Tadhg smirkily asks Katy if she’s sure she hasn’t forgotten anything, for example one or more children, but she mostly ignores him, as one does. Jason says goodbye to the family, and Áine notes that now she’s got no brothers left, which she says with a mixture of nostalgia and “I told you I’d be the last man standing, bitches!” triumph. Katy notices that Dee is nowhere to be seen, and it is quite surprising she’s not dancing on a table to Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration.” Mack starts to make stubbly excuses for her, but before he can get to the part where he slips up and explains that Dee isn’t there because she hates Katy, she arrives smiling, explaining that the traffic was bad, and also she was busy organizing the parade and lost track of time. Katy is surprised and moved when Dee tells her she’s bought her a small box of those chocolates she likes for the journey. Not as surprised and moved as she will be when she realizes they were Ex-Lax. It’s time to go, so everyone says goodbye, and you can tell Tadhg is very sad, because he doesn’t even stop to make fun of the fact that Dee pronounces “Slán!” to rhyme with “pan.” I’ve never seen him this upset!

There is a brief scene in which Máire sets up a devious entrapment scenario involving Pádraig, Adam, and the baby monitor, and we have to say, we have a new appreciation for her now. Over at the café, Laoise is apologizing to Micheál for being such a nightmare earlier, explaining, “I had a bad day and I lost the head.” To save herself time, she should have that printed on a T-shirt. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Micheál remembers that he has a spare room, and now they are living together, too. He’ll have two spare rooms when Réailtín decides to seek asylum on the school trip to France.

Pádraig arrives at the B&B with the pretend errand Máire has sent him on, but Adam tells him that she’s out, but sadly, he’s still not. This gives them an opportunity to discuss when he’s going to tell Fia he’s gay. It seems Dark Adam has returned, because he angrily snots to Pádraig that his mother already knows he’s gay, and it makes her sick, which is fine, because it makes him sick, too. One step forward, two steps back.

Pádraig reminds him that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but Adam rants that he wants to be like everyone else. We cut outside, where Máire is of course skulking around eavesdropping via the baby monitor, and she furrows her brow as Adam says, “I don’t want to be gay!” Well, I hope there’s a patron saint of fainting in the street when you find out via an IKEA baby monitor that your granddaughter’s boyfriend is gay. Saint Agnetha of ABBA?