Frances and Tadhg are having an argument at the community center over custody of Little Áine and Little Mo. He tells her she has no right to keep Áine away from him, and she replies that it’s not her fault Áine doesn’t want to see him. As you would expect, his response is basically that he will hit Áine over the head with a big hammer and drag her to the pub in a sack if he wants to, but Frances counter-proposes that she will try to talk her into going to visit him of her own volition, and also while conscious, but she can’t promise she won’t be a complete brat.
Réailtín answers the door to find Adam has arrived to deliver the bottle of Chardonnay “Laoise” ordered. She explains that Laoise is in the bath right now but she’ll be glad to accept the delivery on her behalf, but he tells her he’s not allowed to give wine to a 12-to-16-year-old girl no matter how devious her scheme is. Just as he’s about to leave, Laoise strolls out of the bathroom in her kimono and character turban, and when he explains what’s going on, she curses her phone, which butt-dials people and she apparently believes also butt-opens apps, puts a bottle of wine in its shopping basket, enters payment information, and arranges delivery. She decides there’s no point in wasting a perfectly good bottle of hooch, though, and sends Adam on his way. After she disappears to resume hour three of her bath, Réailtín grabs the wine and dashes out the door, and I hope this is some kind of elaborate triple-cross in which she hides the bottle inside Áine’s Barbie and then gets Micheál to look in it with a story about a stolen dictionary.
Over at the café, John Joe and Mack are giving Berni a hard time about being spotted on the beach with Briain earlier, although they’re under the impression that he’s just got a little crush on her as opposed to, you know, riding her senseless at all times. John Joe jokes that Briain is too young for her and that what she needs is a man with some experience, and we initially worry that he’s about to offer up his services since his role on the show lately has been to be horny. Fortunately, however, it turns out he and Mack are trying to fix her up with someone named Seosamh, who is covering postman David’s route while he’s off on his honeymoon trying to extricate his head from the windmill at Kerry Mini-Golf. Briain walks in just as she scoffs at this idea, and then he furrows his brow and shakes his head angrily before stomping back out the door, and she looks to the heavens in an aggrieved fashion. This really is the strangest episode of Hollyoaks ever.
At the café, Frances has mostly stopped crying and vaguely apologizes to Mo for being a wagon and a half earlier. She says that Mo and her cancer are very lucky to have all these people who love her, such as Úna, Colm, Mack, and the Ros na Rún Recapper, but Mo offers that Áine is the one who’s truly lucky here, because she has Frances, the kind of mother she wishes she’d had growing up. Well, Mo, at least now you have a mother who disapproves of your boyfriend but who might have an affair with him by the end of the season anyway. As you know my plot predictions always come true, such as when I said Briain was here to be Pádraig’s boyfriend.
Meanwhile, Briain and Berni are out in the street once again having the argument about whether she’s embarrassed by him, which we can’t get enough of. A quick cut to Keanes shows that Mo is on the phone, and that OSPIDÉAL is telling her she needs to come in tomorrow at 2:00.
Áine has returned to her barstool and is sadly stirring a glass of water or gin with a straw when Maggie appears and decides to stick her oar in. She asks Áine how she’s doing and, amazingly, instead of grabbing Maggie by her scarf and dragging her across the counter, Áine replies in a neutral tone that she’s fine. Not taking the hint, Maggie continues pressing her, asking if perhaps the schoolhouse ran out of coal or one of her little friends died of dropsy, but sadly before Áine gets a chance to reach across and knock a knot in her, Frances appears and informs her it’s time to go. While she toddles off to gather her coat and ninja throwing stars and such, Frances hisses at Tadhg and Maggie that she’s just found out from Micheál that Áine is now the leading vodka distributor of the Wild Atlantic Way. Tadhg tries to blame Frances’ bad parenting, but she clarifies that he and Wallis Simpson here are to blame due to their being a liar and a floozy, respectively, and storms off.
Fortunately for Adam, the highly elastic Ros na Rún labor market allows him to immediately get a new job at Keanes when Micheál agrees to accept his storming in and screaming what a lying little thief Réailtín is in lieu of a CV. Laoise, being a non-obstacle for the first time since the middle of last season, helps by explaining that Adam’s experience working in the shop has prepared him perfectly to work in a sushi restaurant or whatever this place is, and points out that perhaps Micheál will be less of a neglectful deadbeat dad to teen alcoholic Réailtín if he takes on additional staff. You guys, I love this show SO. MUCH.
Berni pops into Gaudi to deliver a big box of anti-nausea medicine from the restaurant-supply store, which is convenient because we are all going to need it about ten seconds from now. John Joe and Mack, who’ve moved their comedy act down the road, start carrying on again about fixing her up with Sexy Seosamh, the substitute postman. At this moment Briain wanders through, so Berni grabs him and starts eating his face off, and I swear, they seriously start groping each other and going at it so hard the place would be shut down immediately if the health inspector came through. Of course everyone looks shocked apart from Pádraig, who even in the depths of his despair can find the ability to be visibly delighted by scandal and sleaze, which is one of our favorite things about him. Amy and Evan happen to be at a nearby table, and as he hides his face in his paella, she asks him why he didn’t tell her about this, and he replies brilliantly, “Would you want to tell people about something like that?”, which is our favorite thing he has said or done all season. He says she should go ahead and publish the story to teach Berni a lesson, but she decides this is all a lot of trash that’s better left in the bin and suggests they make a quick exit, presumably before Briain and Berni are completely naked.
But! Speaking of trash that’s better left in the bin, Caitríona is rooting around in there as usual, this time in the form of snooping around on Amy’s laptop. Well, she starts out on the office sofa and then totally almost falls down as she gets up to walk over to the desk, which on any other show would be the highlight of the season, but on Ros na Rún is barely even in the top five things that happened in this episode. Anyway, she finds the draft of the online story Amy has written with the headline “Scandal! A Sports Star’s Life Is Destroyed”, which is the sort of thing you expect to see on the front page of The Sun followed by “2 For 1 Tickets To Flamingo Land! See Details Inside.” She clicks the “Publish” button and bares her lovely teeth in predatory delight, confident that this will finally win her that Nobel Prize in Smut she’s spent her entire career working towards.