Over at the community center, Fia is trying to explain to Adam the Jan Brady-style “I also have a date!” charade she’s attempting to pull on Niall. Adam’s opinion is that this entire thing is ridiculous, but since his BFF Fia here has already stepped deep into this particular turd, he’ll give her some advice on how to
At Gaudi, Gráinne is trying to teach David how to count but gives up after three tries. A haon, a dó, ah forget it. She frets that they only made €427.50 during their fundraiser for Mo, whereas she was hoping it was €5000. Well, the trick is to round it up to the nearest 5000. She gathers up the money and says they’ll just have to think of another way to make the money, such as terrorizing the country by embarking on a seaweed-and-karate-based armed robbery spree. That last part is implied.
Over at the radio station, Gráinne and Amy explain to David, who is STILL NOT WORKING, that they’ve decided to hold a crap auction on the radio to raise money for Mo. I’m not sure how you hold an auction on the radio, but OK. Mo wanders through and gives her approval, because she knows Gráinne is unstoppable and besides, her only other option to make money is to start harvesting Colm’s organs while he sleeps and selling them on eBay. She’s pretty sure she remembers from biology class that you can live without a brain, although it’s possible she’s thinking of tonsils.
Back at the B&B, Fia is applying her lipstick with a trowel when Máire comes home and tells her she was just hanging around at the cemetery, as one does, and noticed that Maggie’s grave has been fixed up beautifully. There’s a waterslide and everything. Fia of course does not care about graves unless Niall is lying on them naked, but she feigns vague interest until Máire changes the subject to how she knows the boy Fia is going on her imaginary date with and approves of him because he goes to mass every day, even the days when there isn’t one. He finishes every bite of his wafer like a good boy, too. Fia giggles evasively, and this whole storyline is incredibly creepy and suggests that she has suffered a recent head injury that we didn’t hear about.
After the break, during which we wonder if Pádraig and Sam fell off a cliff during the weekend camping trip to the Aran Islands they never returned from, we get a scenic tour of the quarry John Joe is trying to buy, which mostly seems to be a flooded mud pit with a rusted bulldozer floating in it. We then return to Gaudi, where Fia has taken advantage of Niall’s trip to the toilet to go conveniently tell Fionnuala The Slut, “Hi! I’m an impressionable young girl aged 17-25 who your date got pregnant while we were drunk and also he was dating my mother. Have fun!” Niall returns to the table zipping up his fly and so on, so Fia leaves Fionnuala fuming and glaring at him and then returns to the bar to report to Adam how this is all going exactly as the article in this month’s Teen Homewrecker said it would.
At a table, Tadhg is harassing Maggie’s attorney to hurry up and read the will, but she tells him and David they’re waiting for one more person, who may or may not be Daniel O’Donnell. In strolls Pól the teen tearaway, who has travelled back in time to 1985 and stolen his new hairdo from one of the Housemartins, and it appears it is not happy hour again.
Back at the reading of the will, Tadhg looks bored and annoyed while David gasps and faints over the fact that Maggie left him €5000 to plant parsnips and coca leaves because he told her one time he was interested in doing something at the polytunnel other than get shot. Too bad it didn’t occur to Maggie to leave anything to poor Gráinne, who was the only person in town other than Tadhg who gave a crap about her. David takes this opportunity to start soliloquizing about the time St Augustine of Hippo got shot in a polytunnel, which causes Tadhg to snap at the lawyer to shut up and read faster so he can leave. This is Pól’s cue to announce that he needs to take a break to go flirt with Fia at the bar, which is annoying to everyone, including Fia. He mumbles that he barely recognized her, what with her being dressed as Wonder Woman and all, but she says she’s too busy to talk right now because she’s on a date with a guy at another table who’s also on a date with someone else. Just as Pól tells Fia that he’s the one who’s been trimming the bushes on Maggie’s grave into topiary seals balancing balls on their noses, Niall comes over and gets 2 inches away from his face and starts yelling at him to buzz off and stop causing trouble. This is the most unappetizing love triangle since Edward VIII, Wallis Simpson, and all those Nazis. Pól and Niall start fighting, and of course Fia is eating all this up, especially when Fionnuala The Slut gets annoyed and storms out. It seems Fia’s terrible plan is going exactly the way Satan told her it would.
The lawyer, who shockingly is neither Dee nor Malachaí, announces that Maggie has left all her money to Tadhg, who pretends to be surprised, but then stuns everyone by revealing that she’s left the house to Pól. She’ll regret that when he tries to find a way to smoke or snort it. Tadhg decides he’s going to contest the will on the basis that he doesn’t like it, but the lawyer basically tells him that unless he can produce a previously unknown relative, he can go eff himself. Snerk.
Gráinne is annoying people at the pub to bring their old tat to Mo Aid, and she grabs Cóilí Jackie, who’s down from Insanitytown where he lives, and says he must have some antiques, what with his being incredibly old and all. He’s yucky and offers his services as a gigolo, and I suppose Gráinne finally getting pregnant as the result of a paid liaison with Cóilí Jackie would be quite a season finale. She tells him she appreciates his offer but she doesn’t think anyone would like to pay to have sex with him right now, and therefore she recommends he buzz off and come back with some old shite they can sell for 50 cents.
Back at Salome’s School for Girls, Fia and Niall have finished the entire bottle of wine and are staggering around the kitchen drunk. She “accidentally” pours the last glass of wine on the crotch of her jumpsuit and then commands him to grab a rag and start blotting, as one does, and then they start kissing. Fortunately he comes to his senses after only about eleven minutes, and once he manages to extricate her tongue from his mouth, he shouts that this can never happen again, ever. EVER! He storms out, and she looks simultaneously stricken and aroused (straroused?), and while we like both Niall and Fia, this is super-gross and we need Father Éamonn to come in and put a stop to this by telling them they’re brother and sister.