You Don't Bring Me Flowers

Season 21, Episode 67

First aired 25 April 2017

We open this meandering episode with Máire snooping through a bouquet of flowers that has arrived for Laoise. Given they are all shades of purple, my guess is that her mystery suitor is Prince. Laoise arrives, and Máire immediately starts up with the internet dating nonsense again, complaining that she can’t believe Laoise would put all their lives in jeopardy by giving their address to some computer predator who is clearly feigning interest in her just to get information that will allow him to murder Máire. To be fair, murdering Máire is something we’ve all imagined doing a time or two. Laoise swears she hasn’t given any internet creeps her address, but Máire is unrelenting. Right, because it’s such a state secret where everyone in this town of 12 people lives. Laoise opens the card and it says, “Can we start again?”, and when Máire asks apprehensively, “Well?”, as if it’s the results of a pregnancy test, Laoise smirks and reminds her that she’ll be moving out to her own place soon, so Máire will have to find someone else to help get her killed by an internet predator. Or by The Predator, from that Arnold Schwarzenegger film, which would officially be the BEST SEASON FINALE EVER.

At the shop, O’Shea is nagging Niamh about how everything she does is wrong, which we just can’t get enough of. It seems Niamh has her meeting with the dean today, which we thought had already happened but apparently not, so O’Shea helpfully advises her to enter a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. I swear I am not making this up.

At the community center, Gráinne asks Dee and Mack, who are dressed as if they’ve just finished their space yoga class, what time baby Jay was born, because she is working up his astrology chart as a christening gift and wants to make sure it is as thorough and detailed as possible when Katy and Jason throw it away. Of course, they don’t know, because Mack hasn’t learned to tell time yet and Dee hates the baby, so she’s like, “Gee, Gráinne, I would love to continue engaging with you about this topic, but I am extremely busy and have to go stand over here now, so, slán!” She and Mack walk about three feet away and then Dee hisses at him that she’s tired of hearing about this bloody christening and doesn’t want to go, but Mack points out that people will gossip if they don’t show up, so it will be easier if they just go and try to blend into the crowd at Westminster Abbey. Dee glumly says she supposes so, and walks off sighing. A better approach would’ve been for Mack to remind her that it will be much easier for her to grab Katy by the hair and shove her face-first into the cake if she is actually at the christening. That’s called “knowing your audience.”

Pádraig Ó Loinsigh: Making Men Question Their Sexuality Since 2017

Season 21, Episode 66

First aired 20 April 2017

We open with Agony Aunt Pádraig listening to Agony Inducer Máire complain about what a hot-headed lunatic Laoise is. Of course the spin she puts on this is that she gently raised questions about whether Laoise is dating the right kind of gentleman, whereas the truth is that she called Laoise a cheap slut and internet whore who is endangering the community by inviting an endless stream of scumbags and sex offenders to town to ride her. Potayto, potahto. Pádraig senses that there’s probably more to this than Máire is telling, what with his having met her and all, but he kindly suggests that Laoise is a grown-up and that Máire needs to apologize to her and stay out of her business, and also her knickers. It’s a good thing Pádraig never has sex, or else Máire would be all up in his boxer briefs, too. Right on cue, Laoise arrives, and she’s in a grump and giving Máire the silent treatment FOR NO REASON AT ALL. You could cut the tension with a knife, like the kind the squad of hostage-takers almost held to Máire’s throat at the pharmacy the other day except for the part where they didn’t, and Laoise finally frostily tells her to stay of her effing business. Máire gives her patented I Was Only Trying To Help speech, but then agrees to stop interfering in Laoise’s life, which she demonstrates by immediately interfering. She makes up some nonsense about needing a book and then pointing out that the library is a good place to meet a nice, quiet, educated man. After Laoise and Pádraig make stinky faces for a while about nice, quiet, educated men, of the type Bobbi-Lee made when she found out she was going to be in a play that was based on a book, Máire shifts her non-interfering into high gear by clarifying that nice, quiet, educated men are different from Laoise’s usual type: internet predators with explosive full-body herpes.

At the house of fog and guilt, O’Shea is yelling at Niamh for throwing her life away, asking her if she wants to end up like all the other losers around here. I was going to list them, but instead I will invite you to pick the local loser of your choice. O’Shea still thinks there’s a chance the dean won’t throw her out of school, and possibly Europe, since it was just the one exam, so Niamh takes this opportunity to admit that it was literally every exam since the beginning of the year, and also that she has been printing fake €10 notes, lottery tickets, and OAP bus passes in her bedroom. Her lame explanation is that she’d fallen behind because she’d spent all her time concentrating on one subject, and so her only option was to cheat her arse off. Presumably the one subject she paid attention to was her hair, which is lovely and silky. O’Shea yells that she’s going to get herself expelled for sure with this madness, and Niamh tries the risky legal ploy of trying to make herself the victim here, spewing out a bunch of “You get angry because I cheated. Then you get angry because I’m being honest. I can’t win!” nonsense. Amazingly, this seems to give O’Shea something to think about, I mean other than which of her hands she should slap Niamh with first.

I Fought The Law, And The Law Won

Season 21, Episode 65

First aired 18 April 2017

We open with Jason semi-apologizing to Mack for missing Easter at his place, and Mack replies that it ended up being just him, Dee, and her burning hatred for him after all. Well, seething resentment is what Easter is all about, anyway. Niamh enters with her mother in tow, and is very excited indeed because she’s starting her new long-term career as Dee’s legal assistant, and today is the first day of the rest of her life, and she’s going to make it after all, like Mary Tyler Moore. If she had a hat like Mary, she would twirl around and throw it into the air, but hopefully she kept the receipt, because as we will see later, she’ll need to get her money back.

The postman delivers the mail to Áine, who at first is disappointed that her new issue of Petty Larceny Weekly hasn’t arrived, but she brightens when she sees there’s a letter addressed to her tuismitheoirí that’s not from her probation officer for a change. She asks her nearby mother when Tadhg will be home, because she’s got an exciting letter for them, and Frances completely ignores her, which means this is going to be one of those episodes where Áine is jealous of everyone and everything, and might also kidnap herself again. If she’d managed to find a way to earn frequent flyer miles every time she runs away from home without actually leaving the building, she could’ve had a free ticket to Orlando by now.

Gráinne and David are having one of their usual “I’m paying the bills!”/“No, I’m paying the bills!” arguments, but for variety’s sake, this time they’re doing it in the middle of the street. Love means never having to say “I’m sick of you.” His phone rings, and Gráinne is annoyed when she sees it’s Annette, and starts up with her patented “Does she ever leave you alone?” routine, which she honed to perfection back during the Fidelma era. David lectures her that Annette is going through A Really Tough Time Right Now, so they should all be nice to her, so Gráinne rolls her eyes and reminds him that he’s supposed to go with her to the dentist today and is therefore only allowed to care about Annette until 12:45 and no later.

No Matter What They Take From Me, They Can't Take Away My Karate

Season 21, Episode 64

First aired 13 April 2017

We open at Gaudi, where Katy is complaining to Pádraig about stupid nosy Frances’ stupid parenting advice, such as “clothe the baby” and “feed the baby.” Yeah, butt out, Frances! Pádraig is basically like, “Ha ha, so true! Well, the important thing is to be flexible, such as when you get a text from Jason any minute now saying he’s left you and fled the country.” Katy has no idea what’s going on in this confusing conversation, but since that’s often the case when interacting with Pádraig, she doesn’t look particularly concerned. 

Over at the House Of Cheating, Niamh wishes her mother a good morning, and O’Shea responds by giving her a “drop dead” look. Snerk. Niamh tries to be nice for a bit, but finally gets tired of her mother’s repeated rudeness, and they decide they might as well go ahead and fight. O’Shea, who is wearing an abstract stripey poncho thing that seems to exist in several dimensions other than the ones we are used to, threatens to arrest her, and asks how she knows she hasn’t cheated on all her exams, so Niamh lies and says no, it was totally just this one. O’Shea manages to make it about herself by asking rhetorically what’s going to happen when people find out the superintendent’s daughter is a cheating thief and possible floozy, but I think she’s overestimating how much the locals actually remember that O’Shea and Niamh, you know, exist.

Frances is hanging around at Katy’s helping to fold bibs and iron nappies and so on. It’s unclear whether Katy is enjoying having her around, which is disheartening, because in the olden days Katy always made it very clear when she was annoyed by something. For example, everything. I miss the old Katy. There’s discussion of breastfeeding, and Frances wistfully notes that she was never able to nurse Áine, presumably because every time she got that close to her, Áine would pick her pocket. Katy asks leading questions trying to get Frances to admit that Tadhg was a neglectful, emotionally distant non-father like Jason is, but she replies that no, Tadhg was actually incredibly attentive and loving. Of course Katy looks stricken, because she knows that it’s always a bad sign when someone comes in second place to Tadhg in any kind of fathering competition. It’s like coming in second place to Máire in the Minding Your Own Business Awards.

Mo' Colm, Mo' Problems

Season 21, Episode 63

First aired 11 April 2017

We open at Jason’s, where he is busy not putting together a terrifying monkey crib for the baby, whom he hates. He picks up his phone a fraction of a second before it rings, tells the person on the other end that he’ll be wherever “there” is in ten minutes, and then hangs up and lies to Katy that it was a wrong number. She tries to talk to him, and he completely ignores her, because the two of them have never learned how to have an actual human conversation. At least Mack and Dee know that the way it works is that one of you yells, and then the other yells something back, and then somebody runs out of the room crying and slams the door. Katy volunteers, as brightly as she can muster from the bottomless depths of existential despair that is her life, that she’s made an appointment for the three of them to go to Galway for a family portrait (tough luck, Cuán). Jason, however, would clearly rather go have a colonoscopy from Captain Hook than have anything to do with this, and leaves after telling her that an even better idea would be a family portrait with only her and Jay in it. Ouch.

At the pharmacy, Máire is burbling on to Janice about how scary seeing the robbers go running past her was, and we get the impression this has been going on for some time, such as ever since the last time we saw her. Janice, who you will recall is the person the scary thing actually happened to, is not interested in continuing this discussion, and tries to encourage Máire to, you know, shut up and work. Or at least just shut up. I’m sure she never thought she’d be in a position where she’d miss those conversations that consist of Máire listing all saints first in alphabetical order, and then in the order she’d most like to be friends with them, but here we are. Fortunately for us all, the most merciful Saint Mo of Hurley Stick arrives to rescue Janice by telling her the camper van will be ready to go after lunch, but shell-shocked Janice says she won’t be able to go, because she can’t find a locum to wade into this dumpster fire, and because Máire is threatening to wee in fear continuously until she dies of dehydration. Mo looks peeved, and then Niamh, who today is playing the part of Magnum P.I., lures Máire into a conversation about what a pill-popping con artist Annette is. Máire may not have the gift of gab, but she has the gift of saying exactly the right thing to stir up the maximum amount of trouble possible in any situation.

Over at the café, Colm is vaguely obnoxious and defiant to O’Shea, who basically tells him he’s lucky this isn’t America, or else she’d totally police-brutality his ass right now. She leaves, and Mack comes over and apologizes to Colm for screaming at him in the pub the other day, but Colm throws it back in his stubbly, stubbly face. Elsewhere in the café, Caitríona graciously, i.e., passive aggressively, swoops in to pay for Annette’s lunch when her card is declined, and then gloats that it’ll be the last penny Annette ever gets out of her. Niamh materializes and the two of them inform Annette that she should’ve mentioned in her lawsuit that the medication she takes can cause balance and falling-down issues, and after they smugly snot off, Annette calls her husband and yells at him that her card was declined, and he better fix it.

Extra-Strength Robbery: Now Available Without A Prescription

Season 21, Episode 62

First aired 6 April 2017

We open with Mack vacuuming out his van in preparation to take Colm alibi-shopping, I mean, car-shopping. John Joe stops by to discuss how poor Colm is often in the wrong place at the wrong time, such as on this show when it is being filmed. Máire interrupts to announce that she’s starting her new job at the pharmacy today, which is nice reminder for them that if they want to go pick up their impotence cream or herpes spray without her knowing about it, they better hurry up. Colm appears, and he and Mack head off to buy a car, or steal a car, or be seen in a location far away from town while this next thing happens.

Janice arrives at the pharmacy for another day of helping the community and being mugged. She senses something is amiss, but before she can figure out what it is, the black-clad masked bandit who’s been lurking around the past few episodes springs out from behind a box of Kleenex and attacks her! This is why you should always take a ferocious Alsatian with you when you go to Boots, or alternatively, a comical oversized mallet. You never know.

At Gaudi, Niamh is texting the proprietor of Stolen Exams, Inc., which is a division of Carrolls Irish Gifts, to tell her that she’ll have the €50 for today’s exam soon. Good, she needs to know what to study if she’s going to be the star graduate of the Galway School of Law and Twerking. You can tell I am old because I think twerking is still a thing. At the bar, Pádraig is the latest stop on Máire’s Bragging About Her New Job World Tour. The support act on this tour is showing people her bunions. Also, Betty Boo. Having watched him jump up and down clapping at her good news for a while, Máire decides it’s time to head off to work, but he decides he wants to make her two coffees on the house, which will take him 27 minutes, and additionally Niamh points out that he screwed up her order, which will take him an additional 3 hours to fix. Máire looks worriedly at her watch, but on the plus side, this delay will allow the Balaclava Bandit to rob the pharmacy and kidnap Janice more leisurely and thoroughly. The traffic jam in this scene builds as O’Shea arrives, and she and Máire talk for a while about what a good girl Niamh is now that she’s not snorting coke off Adam’s bum and so on anymore. Sadly, before Máire gets the chance to start complaining about what a loser Fia is, O’Shea makes a big production out of counting out a wad of cash to pay Niamh for the massage she’s promised her as a reward for doing such a good job cheating on her exams. Pádraig returns from his break, and when Máire reminds him she’s in a super-big hurry, he gets on the phone. It really is shocking that he wasn’t selected to be the star of the new series of Francis Brennan’s Most Efficient Restaurants.

The Important Thing Is That Adam Is Not Gay

Season 21, Episode 61

First aired 4 April 2017

We open with a faceless, mysterious stranger all in black, who may or may not be Johnny Cash, or possibly one of Depeche Mode, loitering across the street from the pharmacy, casing the joint. Janice arrives to open up for the day, and Depeche Cash puts on his gloves and looks like he’s about to make his move, but then a customer arrives, and he changes his mind and skulks off. Well, Janice sure dodged that bullet!

And now we are reminded that Niamh is a person who is sometimes on this show! She’s at home studying for her exams, and O’Shea, ever the observant detective, notes that Niamh is looking at the same book she looked at yesterday, which seems highly suspicious to her. Clearly O’Shea does not understand how studying works. Grumpy Niamh tells her to buzz off, and refuses her offer of a ride to the exam, because she’s booked a hackney. Why she doesn’t want to arrive at college in a police car driven by her mother is beyond me. O’Shea wanders away, probably to review today’s list of complaints against David, and Niamh sneakily reaches into a folder and pulls out … a copy of today’s exam! Well, I think now we know the nail-biting pulse-pounder that’s going to carry us through to the end of the season.

We switch from a scene of mother-daughter domestic bliss to one of father-daughter domestic bliss in the form of Micheál and Réailtín, who are still arguing about who killed whose mother and so on. Of course, this is all Laoise’s fault, and secondarily, society’s. Thanks, Laoise and society. Anyway, Micheál tells her to do something and she retorts, “Or, what, you’ll kill me, too?”, and we get the impression this has been her response to everything lately, which we’re sure hasn’t become at all tiresome to Micheál, or made him wonder if perhaps killing her up just a little might not be an entirely terrible idea.