Garbage Vodka, A Sexy Worm Attack, and Oh Yeah, A Murder

Season 20, Episode 82

First aired 7 June 2016

We’re back! As you may or may not have noticed, Ros na Recaps has been on a little break for the past 3 weeks while I was away at advanced recapping academy, i.e., on vacation in the South Pacific. Originally I had great plans to catch up on the 4 episodes I missed when I got back, but that was overly ambitious, and then I missed 2 more, so I’ll recap the highlights of those 6 episodes here:

• Andy and Bobbi-Lee are doing it, ewwww.
• Máire swooned and threatened to faint a lot.
• Fia moved out and got her own place, which we assume she is paying for using the money she earns … uhh … hmm … well, Fia unceremoniously went away, and that’s the important thing.
• Mo punched Andy in the face and again in the stomach, and it was glorious, and I called her MOhammad Ali on Twitter, and then he died two days later, so we will consider it a preemptive tribute.
• Long-lost Uncle Peatsai, whose name is hard to type and therefore I am going to call Uncle Pest, returned from across the pond to stake his claim to Mo’s new house, so now they are Odd Couple-ing it up. Also, he came back from America with a wardrobe consisting entirely of Hawaiian shirts, because that is what we all wear here all the time.
• Andy decided John Joe was getting too cozy with Bobbi-Lee and jumped him from behind at the petrol station or hardware store or chip van or wherever John Joe works.
• Best of all, Gráinne’s boyfriend showed up, and he was, hilariously, David Mk 2. It was like she was shopping at Amazon.com and put David in her basket, and it pointed out that other shoppers who bought David also bought Other David, so she should, too. Eventually she broke up with Other David and he went back where he came from, but on the plus side, she kept the streak going of women on this show who move to faraway places and then manage to hook up with the only Irish-speaking man there (Australia, London, Venus, etc).

OK, now for today’s episode, which is a corker! We open with Bobbi-Lee and Andy discussing ways they can get the money to pay for the miraculous cure for African Hydraulic Fever he heard about, which is only available in Las Vegas, which as we all know is a hotbed of cutting-edge medical research. Also, you can smoke while being operated on and your loved ones can play blackjack in the waiting room. As you may recall, Bobbi-Lee is intrigued by this scam scheme, which of course she hasn’t asked any questions about or investigated at all, because she stupidly wants Andy to get better and also figures Vegas has always been her destiny anyway. It really is a good match for her, given that Nevada’s state flag is cheetah print with rhinestones. Anyway, she suggests they ask Berni for the money, but he mock protests that he’s caused Berni enough problems over the years already, and anyway, she hasn’t received Cathal’s inheritance yet, so it’s a bit premature to decide how they’re going to murder her right now. I mean, ask her for money. After Bobbi-Lee leaves to go to stare into space and insult the customers at one of her jobs, Andy gets a phone call, and tells the person on the other end that he can’t talk right now, but that he’ll go murder meet him/her later this afternoon.

At the café, Berni is explaining to Caitríona that Andy’s condition keeps deteriorating and that she’s hoping to get him into a nursing home because she just can’t take care of him anymore, and of course Bobbi-Lee is useless. That last part is implied because, well, Berni is talking. Caitríona looks sympathetic for about 20 seconds, which is as long as she can pay attention to anything that’s not about her, and then runs into Laoise and Colm Gallagher, the creepy convict who may be in jail for a crime Andy committed but also seems like a serial killer, so he should probably be behind bars for something anyway. He’s out on work release at the polytunnel, and Caitríona volunteers that she’s going to tag along, presumably because she thinks the polytunnel is a train you can take to France for the day. Laoise and Colm laugh at the idea of Caitríona working, so she decides she’ll meet them for lunch instead, and then she and Colm exchange creepy glances that seem to be him flirting and her … I don’t even know what she’s doing, but it’s gross.

At the B&B, Máire is complaining to Peadar that she can’t believe Laoise has brought another criminal to the village, as if Andy wasn’t enough. Her Swoon-and-Faint-ometer is already turned up to 10, and she just can’t collapse in the street like she could when she was younger. Peadar’s supportive and totally-paying-attention response is that he’s decided to paint the skirting in the B&B lavender, because TG4 has mandated that all sets on this show must now be various pukey shades of purple. She thinks he should wait for the painter to come next week, because Peadar will just eff it up and probably die while he’s at it, and that’s the last thing she needs given that the priest is coming over tonight to exorcise Fia’s evil spirit from the premises.

Back at the café, it’s Eimear! To be honest, it’s been so long since we’ve seen her that it took me a minute to figure out who the hell she was. Berni delivers a bottle of booze that Four-Eyes Whatever left for Eimear to thank her for declawing his cow or some such veterinary thing, and Eimear mopes that she’s grateful for anything to pass the time now that Eoin has gone to work in Dubai for six months. NOOO! I was hoping we’d at least get a big send-off episode in which he locked Tadhg in Áine’s Sindy house and set it on fire. Berni wanders away because this conversation is not about her and is therefore boring, and right on cue Tadhg, who as usual is lurking just out of frame, gloats that it was only a matter of time before Eimear went back on the booze. He mentions what a good time Eoin must be having boinking all the women in Dubai, and she points out that Eoin is earning a tremendous amount of money working there, so Tadhg counters that he’ll spend it all on prostitutes. Oh, Tadhg, you need to get your eyes checked, because Eoin clearly will not ever have to pay for sex. He eventually leaves, and Eimear looks depressed. Well, it’s a good thing she doesn’t have a drinking problem and a bottle of vodka in her hand!

We now return to the Holiday House of Horrors, where Awful Suzanne is telling Andy how much she’s missed him. He’s noncommittal, so she asks him if he and Bobbi-Lee are back together, and he’s evasive and suggests she leave. Just then he gets a text, which he claims is from Berni, but Suzanne grabs the phone and reads it: “Hey, sexy, where are you?” Wow, we knew Berni and Andy’s relationship was strained, but this is messed up. She immediately realizes it’s from Bobbi-Lee and is furious, which in Suzanne’s case means she narrows her eyes slightly and … well, that’s pretty much it.

Eimear returns home, which is a tip, and throws the unopened bottle of vodka in the bin. Just then a 3000-year-old troll lets himself in, and eventually we realize it’s Cóilín, the guy Tadhg paid to lock Eimear in his shed that time. It seems one of his cows is sick and hasn’t eaten in two days, so he wants Eimear to come take a look, and possibly hold up a plate of hay while rubbing her stomach and making “yummy yummy” noises. She says it’s her day off and that he should call the office to send someone else, but he’s a big jerk, and insists that he’s not leaving until she agrees to look at his cow. This is not a euphemism, sadly.

Back at Awful Suzanne’s, she’s still reading texts off Andy’s phone and they continue arguing. Eventually he jumps up off the sofa and runs across the room to snatch the phone away from her, and the blank look on her face and excessive blinking signal shock, I guess, as she realizes he’s not sick after all! Her surprise turns to anger as she spits that she’s given up everything to take care of him, including her job (?) and her friends (??), and that everyone warned her that Andy is trouble, but she didn’t listen because she is stupid. Well, there’s one thing we agree on. He turns to leave, so she announces she’s going to tell Bobbi-Lee he’s not sick at all, and as she tries to push past him he gives her a mild shove that, because gravity apparently works differently at the holiday home, sends her flying across the room and onto the sofa.

O’Shea has arrived at Eimear’s to settle the standoff over the anorexic cow. After a lot of fairly boring arguing, O’Shea leads Cóilín out the door, and on the way out he spews a barrage of insults in Eimear’s direction, and concludes that he’s not surprised that her husband left her. They leave, and a visibly shaken Eimear looks meaningfully at the bin. We really need a dramatic musical sting here, such as “Dunh-dunh-DUHHHH!” or at least “WAH-waaaah.”

Colm is wrapping things up at the polytunnel when Caitríona arrives to take him to lunch. She tries to help him carry a bag of soil but then screams and freaks out because she thinks she touched a worm. I would say something snarky, but I don’t want to touch a worm, either. Then again, it’s Caitríona, so: Shut up, Caitríona! The worm attack nonsensically leads to a discussion of Caitríona’s kid, whom we’d all forgotten exists, and Colm TOTALLY INNOCENTLY I’M SURE asks about the father, and Caitríona announces that he’s out of the picture, but neglects to mention that Vince is a thing. Colm is all, “I see,” and Caitríona is all giggly and makes goo-goo eyes, and I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I don’t like it.

Back at the Holiday House of Horrors, whose name is about to be more appropriate than ever, Suzanne and Andy are screaming at each other, and she stupidly tells him he was lousy in bed, and in a rage he slaps her down onto the sofa and starts strangling her with her ugly scarf. She struggles for a while and finally stops, and then falls back dead onto the sofa, and it’s all unnervingly gruesome. Andy seems surprised by what’s happened, and I feel bad, because we all hated Awful Suzanne, but we never wanted this to happen. By which I mean, we all wanted her to die quietly off-screen, perhaps in a polytunnel collapse or a fire at the pashmina shop.

After the break, we get back to the storyline that’s had us all on the edge of our seats, which is of course Peadar painting the trim at the B&B. I’ll skip over all of it, because it doesn’t involve a murder or a sexy worm attack and therefore we don’t care about it.

At the holiday house, Suzanne is still dead, but at least her eyes are closed now. Andy gets a call from Bobbi-Lee, and he says he’s on his way home. As he leaves, he shuts the curtains and tosses a blanket over Suzanne’s dead face from across the room. Well, at least he’s showing some respect.

There is painting nonsense, which now includes John Joe, and then we’re at Berni’s, where Andy is frantically packing his bags. Bobbi-Lee shows up in a sunny mood and makes out with him, and rubs herself against his various parts, and then brightly tells him that the treatments in Vegas will have to wait a few months, because Berni won’t get Cathal’s money for a while. Andy is sweaty and distraught, which coincidentally are the two signs Bobbi-Lee uses to determine that one of her dates is going well, so she gets all seductive and slinks off to change into something more comfortable, such as a leopard-skin thong. Andy takes this opportunity to grab his bag and run out the front door and down the street, which coincidentally is one of the signs Bobbi-Lee uses to determine that one of her dates is going badly.

Caitríona and Colm are sitting on a bench chatting, and it’s creepy, and we really need Mo to show up and start punching both of them right about now. Just then Colm screams “Jesus Christ!” and looks terrified, which is how Caitríona’s dates always end. He’s spotted Andy hobbling down the street in the distance and is frightened that he’ll be seen, so of course his not-calling-attention-to-himself technique consists of jumping and shouting Andy’s full name. After the threat has passed, Colm realizes that Caitríona knew Andy was in Ros na Rún all along, and is furious that she brought him here anyway.

Painting nonsense, and now Caitríona is chasing Colm down the street, begging him to stay. She swears that if he tells her the truth she’ll help him get out of prison, which he spits would be a great ending for her next book, and tells her to stay out of it. Laoise drives up to take Colm back to prison, and he gives Caitríona a series of nasty looks as he gets into the car. This is how Caitríona’s dates typically end, of course, and I swear this is the last time I’ll make this joke.

Back at her flat, Eimear pulls the vodka out of the garbage and pours herself a gigantic glassful, which she downs in one enormous swig. Good God, girl, you’ve got to pace yourself. We’ve already had one death this episode and there’s no money in the budget for another one.

Speaking of: back at the holiday house Andy is wrapping Suzanne’s body in black plastic and duct tape, and when he’s done, it looks like a bin-bag mummy is lying on the floor. He sits down on the couch to rest, because strangling and mummification are hard work, and starts plotting his next move…

Next time: … which apparently consists of kidnapping Áine and holding her for ransom!