Sunday, June 19, 2016

Into the Woods (Season Finale)

Season 20, Episode 83
First aired 9 June 2016

It’s the season finale of Ros na Rún and AIIIEEEE it’s insane, so let’s get right to it. We open with Bobbi-Lee storming into the Holiday House of Horrors and laying into Andy for disappearing yesterday and scaring her and Berni half to death. So by my calculations, if he scares Berni like that one more time, the village will be a much more pleasant place. His defense is that he went for a walk because he needed some air, plus somebody needed to bury Suzanne’s body in the garden and Mo’s stellar work crew of Mack, John Joe, and David wasn’t available. Bobbi-Lee is suspicious that he needed to go get some air at Suzanne’s house, what with it being a super-sexy love nest and all, but he assures her that Suzanne is “gone” (snerk), so Bobbi-Lee and her leopard print look pleased with themselves. Before they can do a victory lap, however, Andy reminds her that they still need a huge amount of money to go to Las Vegas for his “treatment” (i.e., playing keno and strangling hookers), so Bobbi-Lee tells him she has an idea. Well, that’s never a good sign.

Back in the CSI: Caitríona storyline we barely care about, she’s complaining to Niamh that Berni has ruined everything by letting Andy loose in the village to scare Colm away. The only time I agree with Caitríona is when she’s bitching about Berni. Niamh, who looks completely bored by all this, says she should just call Colm and explain what happened, but Caitríona explains that she’s tried, but he’s not answering his phone. (People in prison have their own phones?) Niamh, who is suddenly a super-detective, assures her that there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and the two of them set off for the old mill in the Mystery Machine, where they will discover that Colm is actually a film projector showing an image of a ghost, and he would’ve gotten away with it if not for these meddling kids. Caitríona will be devastated when she discovers that she’s frumpy Velma in this scenario, not glamorous Daphne.

Bobbi-Lee is upstairs at the pub snooping around the kitchen for money, and unfortunately for her there are about 50 flour and sugar canisters to go through, which is really slowing her down. Meanwhile, Mo is downstairs complaining to Frances that not only does she have to live with Uncle Pest, but now he’s hanging around at the bookies all the time, which means she can’t get away from him at work, either. Everybody who had forgotten where Mo works, raise your hand. Frances tells Mo to stop whining and do something about it. Mo proposes she hit Uncle Pest over the head with a shovel, but Frances, who is in wise teapot-from-Beauty-and-the-Beast mode, tells her that working at the community center has taught her that there are more subtle ways to solve problems. Oh, I hope this means that Mo is going to push Uncle Pest down on a freshly mopped floor and break his hip! Áine, who is home sick today, appears and notes that she’s made a miraculous recovery, so Frances offers to take her to school, but she counters that she’s still too sick for that, and is really only up for some light kidnapping today.

While all this is going on, Bobbi-Lee has arrived to steal from the till. Unfortunately for her, Áine’s spidey-sense is tingling, because she has ESP that alerts her when criminal activities are happening nearby that she might be able to get in on.

At the café, Vince is grilling Berni about Caitríona’s whereabouts. She tells him that she was in with Niamh earlier but left, which causes him, his artfully mussed hair, and the newspaper clipping about Colm and Andy he’s carrying around to all look alarmed.

At the holiday house, Andy is yelling at Bobbi-Lee that the couple of hundred euros she stole from the pub isn’t going to get them far. Maybe he’ll cheer up when she reveals that she also stole a bunch of packets of crisps. His yelling is interrupted by Áine’s arrival, and once again I have no idea how far away this house is supposed to be, because sometimes it seems like a long journey involving multiple buses and a donkey, and other times it’s at the end of the block. Anyway, here’s Áine, who is here to call Bobbi-Lee a thief. Bobbi-Lee tells her she’s mistaken, but Áine is dubious, because as the county’s top juvenile offender, she knows crime when she sees it. Andy creepily announces that he’s got an idea, which is even worse than when Bobbi-Lee has an idea.

Caitríona and Vince are back at their flat arguing about her involvement in the Colm/Andy thing, and I’m not sure which is more distracting, the tremendous amount of lip gloss she’s globbed on or the fact that his increasingly feathered hair is starting to make him look like Farrah Fawcett.

A low-speed hostage situation has broken out at the holiday house, where Áine struggles weakly as Andy tapes her up on the sofa. It’s a little unbelievable that she’s just sitting there getting taped up given that we’ve seen her flail more wildly and violently against someone trying to make her go to school, but we’ll go with it. Bobbi-Lee protests that she’s just a child, but Andy explains that they’re not going to hurt her, and she’ll get to go home as soon as the pair of them are safely on their way to Las Vegas. You just know that he’ll book himself in BA Club Luxury and then ship Bobbi-Lee via Ryanair cargo. Áine helpfully chooses this moment to announce that her father is going to kill Andy, so the two of them argue for a bit, and if this scene weren’t so grim, it would be hilarious to watch Andy argue with a child and lose. He angrily turns to Bobbi-Lee and says this is all her fault, and then dials his phone and tells Áine she’s going to give her parents a message.

Back at Vince and Caitríona’s place, which is its own kind of horror house, his hair and her lips are still arguing. She’s in full Nancy Drew mode, and is still acting like this is all an exciting adventure, but he’s furious. Seeing that her prime detective routine isn’t changing his mind, she switches to justice crusader, and argues that she can’t stand by while a man sits in prison for something he didn’t do. Vince spits that she’s doing all this for the sake of her stupid book and storms out.

Changing gears entirely, Laoise is carrying a completely wasted Eimear into the B&B. She explains to Máire that she found Eimear lying in the street with a bloody arm, and then “this bottle of vodka fell out of her bag!”, and I know this is all very sad, but that image is kind of hilarious. Eimear wails that she’s been all on her own since Eoin left, but Laoise has no sympathy for her nonsense and announces it’s no wonder he fled given what a filthy drunk Eimear is. Máire shoos Laoise away and offers Eimear coffee and a shoulder to cry on.

Mo shows up at the pub with a suitcase and informs Uncle Pest that it’s been real and all, but he’s leaving. She tells him she’s got someone back at the house changing the locks, and that he’ll have to find somewhere else to squat tonight. I love Mo when she’s being all coolly defiant and “this is how it’s gonna be, you asshole.” Uncle Pest makes a phone call, and we cut to Tadhg, who’s listening to a voicemail on his mobile. It’s someone trying to sell him a cheap holiday in Portugal! No, of course it’s Áine crying, and then Andy demanding €30,000 ransom. He hangs up, and Tadhg is stricken.

At the hostage house, Bobbi-Lee is horrified and trying not to throw up, because she hates that Áine has been dragged into this. Andy pops out to Starbucks or something, and Bobbi-Lee immediately starts untying Áine and tells her they’re going to have to run. Clearly her years of TV viewing have not included soap-opera kidnappings, because everyone knows you wait until you’re sure the kidnapper is gone before you start your escape. So Andy, who had barely gotten out the door, comes back and sees what’s going on, and I don’t know what the Irish word for “shit” is, but it’s about to hit the fan.

After the break, during which we are supposed to believe that Jennifer Aniston makes her own breakfast and washes her own face, Eimear is trying to sober up at the B&B. Máire tells her that she’s beaten alcohol before, and she’ll beat it again, but she moans that she can’t do it without Eoin, and that there’s nothing in Ros na Rún for her. Máire tells her she should go to Dubai to be with him, then, and Laoise is so over this hot mess that I’m surprised we don’t see her in the background on the phone with Emirates booking a ticket. Eimear protests weakly, bringing up her job and whatnot, and Máire tells her that there are animals in Dubai, too, and probably also barns she can get locked in.

And now, back at the hostage house, things get ugly. Andy slaps Bobbi-Lee across the face, and then grabs Áine and locks her in a closet, during which Bobbi-Lee finally realizes he’s doing all this kidnapping and hostage-taking without the use of his crutch, and that he doesn’t have African Hydraulic Fever at all!

Back at the pub, Niamh, whom we’d all forgotten works there sometimes, discovers that the till is empty. Uncle Pest, meanwhile, informs Mo that he called the Gardaí and had Operation: Lock-Changing stopped, and that he and his closet full of Hawaiian shirts aren’t going anywhere.

There’s a brief scene in which Vince runs into Andy, who’s out fetching his ransom money, as one does on a lovely sunny afternoon. He drives off in his car, and Vince follows him. We cut to the hostage house, where Bobbi-Lee is tied up on the floor with tape over her mouth. Fortunately, there’s a big knife on the floor just feet away, which is why my grandma always said, “A big knife on the floor of every room makes a happy home.” She manages to free herself, and we cut to the pub, where Tadhg gets a phone call from Vince, who says he tried to follow Andy, but lost him. WHERE THE EFF IS THE HOLIDAY HOUSE? Ten minutes ago a small child strolled over there without working up a sweat, but now Andy shakes Vince during a long car chase across the countryside. Tadhg then gets a call from Bobbi-Lee, who says she and Áine are escaping. He asks her where they are, but she explains that there’s no time to tell him, and of course in the time she takes to tell him there’s no time to tell him, she could have told him. Anyway, Andy drives up, so Bobbi-Lee and Áine go running off through the woods. They would lose him if not for the fact that Bobbi-Lee keeps yelling loudly at Áine to run, which Andy hears, and I realize all these are the conventions of the TV kidnapping genre, but FFS Bobbi-Lee, tell the potential rescuer on the phone where you are and then SHUT UP AND RUN.

There is a lot of cat-and-mouse running around, and then Frances and Tadhg show up with a shotgun, and the geography of this forest is like an MC Escher print. Bobbi-Lee falls down, of course, and Andy grabs her, of course, but she does manage to smash his leg with a tree branch and then push him down, so at least she’s putting up a fight. She runs off ahead of him and then stops to rest against a tree, but he’s stepped through a wormhole in the forest that puts him out ahead of her, and suddenly he’s standing right there. There is arguing, and, as much as this chase scene is making me crazy, Bobbi-Lee is very good, as usual. And then the thing happens which I can barely watch, which is that Andy strangles Bobbi-Lee, and it’s gruesome, and she falls to the ground, apparently lifeless. Andy cries for a bit, but then Áine starts screaming in the distance, so he runs after her. Clearly she has learned the lesson that you always scream loudly while escaping so your pursuer can find you.

There’s more running around in the forest, and confusing geography, and then Áine finds Tadhg and his shotgun, with Andy right on her heels. Tadhg aims his gun at Andy and waits for Áine to get out of the way, but just as he’s about to fire, Frances zooms up in her car and smashes into Andy. He goes flying over the car, and if not for the horrible thing we just saw happen to Bobbi-Lee, this would be awesome, and kind of hilarious, like that terrible movie I saw one time where Anne Hathaway is absolutely precious and insufferable for two hours and then suddenly gets hit by a double-decker bus and everybody in the theater cheered. We see a lifeless Andy on the ground, and then Áine and her parents hug, and eventually Vince drives up, and I don’t know where the hell he’s been all this time, but he’s wearing an Funtasia T-shirt and holding a balloon. He gets out of the car, disappointed because he thought he was going to be the action hero here, but it turned out to be Frances. We end with her hugging her daughter, and all I can say is that I hope she included sending pedestrians flying in the driving lessons she gave Pádraig.

And that’s the end of Season 20! So many questions: was Bobbi-Lee playing dead, or is she truly gone? Will Eimear follow Eoin to Carrigstown Dubai? Will Mo hit Uncle Pest with a shovel? Will Pádraig sue the community center, win, and use the money to transform himself into an unstoppable cyborg killing machine?

Finally, thanks for reading! I started writing these recaps as a way to have more fun with Ros na Rún, and to hopefully share my thoughts with other people who watch and love the show. I wasn’t sure whether anybody would care, so I’m thrilled to have regular readers around the world, including several members of the cast! I’ve had fun, and I hope you have, too. GRMA, everyone, and I’ll see you in the fall for Season 21!

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