Ponytail of New York

Season 21, Episode 14

First aired 20 October 2016

We begin with Katy struggling to get up off her bedroom floor, and see that the head injury she sustained when she slowly and gingerly fell onto the plush rug has been enhanced with a bullet wound, apparently, because there is a lot more blood than one might expect. Ahem. Eventually she manages to stagger across the room to her phone despite being bent double by the shooting baby-itis pains, and she calls someone. Pizza delivery?

Pól awakens after a night of sleeping rough in a shed somewhere, and digs through his rucksack for a morsel of food, which he devours hungrily. He really has transformed into Oliver Twist, but with a mobile phone. He calls someone and rudely orders a breakfast delivery, and his charm and attitude really make you want to help him. No, wait, I mean “smack him.”

In the street, Dee is admiring how sparkly her new ring is, and Mack pretends to be interested while actually calculating how many Japanese tourists he’ll need to cart around to earn the €3500 it cost. You’ll recall this is the same Mack who last season had to get Mo to pay for his hernia surgery or lobotomy or whatever it was. Ahh, love. Dee can guess that Mack didn’t discuss their engagement with John Joe when they went out last night, given that Mack still reeks of alcohol and desperation. He asks if she really thinks her dad will be upset when he finds out, and Dee is basically like, “Well, he’s a complete dick, as you know, so probably.” Mack suggests that Dee tell him instead, given that John Joe will be at least 20% less likely to murder her, but she insists it has to be him, because she’s old-fashioned that way. Her phone rings a fraction of a second behind schedule, resulting in a moment of “standing around waiting for the phone to ring” acting, and it’s Katy, who rudely doesn’t want to listen to Dee carrying on about her ring, and instead is all “I’m lying on the floor bleeding out, waaah” in typical “me, me, me” Katy fashion.

In the shop, Bloody Peatsaí is mocking Tadhg for being afraid of coffins and so on, and between his slow, ultra-gravelly voice and the morbid subject matter, it’s like we’re at Disneyland Dublin riding “Shane MacGowan’s Haunted Mansion.” He leaves, and Tadhg grabs a passing Mack to ask him when he’s going to throw Bloody Peatsaí out of Mo’s house, citing the threat to public health caused by Peatsaí’s ponytail, which is “full of nits and lice.” I’m glad Tadhg said it so I didn’t have to—I personally find the ponytail much more menacing than I find teen villain Pól. Mack explains that they’ve tried, but Bloody Peatsaí thinks he has a legal claim to the house and refuses to budge. If only someone in this scene were engaged to a lawyer!

Dee arrives home, where Katy explains that she fell in her room, leaving out the part where she evidently landed in a puddle of ketchup. They discuss various ways in which they might transport her to the hospital, including Mack, ambulance, and her lovely lovely lovely horse, but because this is the Daly sisters we’re talking about, they can’t agree on any of them. Fortunately John Joe arrives, putting an end to this Mexican standoff, and at first is cross because Katy has wasted all their ketchup, but then when he realizes it’s, err, blood, he shouts at someone to “Do something!”

In the pub, O’Shea is telling Mo and Bloody Peatsaí that Coílí Jackie has accused him of killing his dog. Mo protests that Bloody Peatsaí would never do such a thing, but O’Shea, who with every thrilling case seems more and more convinced that she’s made a terrible vocational error with her life, explains that Coílí Jackie has filed a complaint and therefore she’s required to investigate. Mo and Bloody Peatsaí should throw her off the scent by saying they think Andy did it. O’Shea sighs and looks pained, and then begs them to all just stay away from each other until this nonsense blows over. She leaves, and Bloody Peatsaí takes this opportunity to scold Mo for letting people make a fool out of her before he departs, and I bet O’Shea would be a lot happier with her life choices if she could investigate a really juicy case right now, such as someone murdering Peatsaí. Tadhg materializes to discuss with Mo how terrible Bloody Peatsaí and his ponytail are, and I’d laugh at how obsessed he is with Peatsaí’s ponytail if not for the fact that I feel the same way about it. AIIEEE! Anyway, Tadhg gives Mo the card of a local attorney who specializes in throwing Peatsaí out of places he’s not wanted, such as Ireland, and her interest is piqued.

At the B&B, Máire has broken her vow of silence and told Evan about Pól’s threats, and I have to say, while Angry Evan is not as scary as Angry Mo or Angry Berni, he is much scarier than Angry Pól. Máire tries to calm Evan down as he furiously rants that Pól’s not going to get away with this, and Mack arrives just as he charges out the door. Máire frantically begs Mack to stop him before he kills “that blackguard,” and as usual Mack is confused by life the situation, in this case presumably because Máire has been vague about which of the many village blackguards who deserve killing she’s talking about.

Speaking of, Rónán arrives at the pub with a breakfast burrito or something for Pól, and as usual with Pól it’s all damn this and frig that. He demands Rónán give him some money for a place to sleep tonight (I hear the Conrad is lovely), but Rónán explains that he’s broke because he doesn’t get paid till next week, so of course Pól’s solution is that someone, i.e. Rónán, should go rob Micheál. Rónán suggests that perhaps going to the dole office might be a better idea, but Pól rants that he’s finished with those idiots, because all they do when you go in there is ask stupid questions, such as “What’s your name?” and “Could you please stop waving that broken bottle in my face?” Fortunately Tadhg arrives and puts us all out of our misery by throwing them and their outside food out of the pub, only however-many-minutes-this-scene-has-been-going-on too late.

Máire stops David in the street to ask if he’s seen Evan, and also decides now is the time to tell him that she actually did see who took the ring the other day, and it was Pól. She suggests they go tell O’Shea about it, but David, who is justifiably exasperated by all this, tells her to forget it, because the ring has been found, and also because O’Shea has taken out a restraining order against him. He tells her to stop worrying, and gives her his word that Pól will never bother anyone again.

This would be the perfect time to cut to a scene of Pól punching a baby, but instead we cut to a discussion forum between Coílí Jackie and Bloody Peatsaí over who killed whose dog, with poor Mo stuck in the middle. There is shouting and wrestling, and eventually Mo pries them apart, i.e., flicks them apart with her index finger, and sends Peatsaí to his room. Hilariously, he actually goes, so then Mo and Coílí Jackie can have a semi-reasonable conversation about the dog, and if you didn’t think Peatsaí was bad before, consider for a moment the fact that he has made longtime nutter Coílí Jackie look like the reasonable one here. Mo explains to CJ that Peatsaí couldn’t have poisoned Spot because he was at rehearsals all day, so CJ spits that maybe Mo is the one who killed him, but she shuts him down with a basic “Bitch, please” glare. He apologizes, and admits that despite everything he’s ever said about her, and will probably say about her in the future, she’s actually not a bad person, and only a partial wagon. Awww.

Katy is being a brat from her hospital bed, shouting for nurses and embarrassing everyone, and you can tell Dee is about ten seconds away from giving her some anesthesia in the form of a fist to her face. Punching is averted when Katy starts crying about the baby, so Dee leaves, in search of a doctor or vending machine or a ride home, which gives Katy the opportunity to tell her dad she feels guilty because she didn’t want this baby, and now this has happened. She admits that she was about to leave for England to terminate the pregnancy, but that’s not what she wants anymore. She cries that if anything happens to this baby, she’ll never forgive herself, though I’m sure within about 48 hours she’d find a way to blame Dee.

After the break, during which we wonder how long EU law will allow TG4 to continue referring to their new app as “new,” we’re in a church, where Máire is praying to whichever is the patron saint of your grandson not killing people to bring Evan home safely.

Jason arrives at the hospital, and it’s awkward for everyone, and not only because Katy has a piece of tape over her “wound” that looks like a really sad barrette. Jason blames John Joe for all this, because if he weren’t such an alcoholic all the time, these sorts of things wouldn’t constantly be happening to Katy. I would really donate a hefty sum of money to have John Joe or Dee punch Jason in the face right now. Sadly, before the hitting can start, a woman with a stethoscope and a folder arrives, presumably to listen to Katy’s heart and/or share with her some leaflets on exciting investment opportunities in sunny Bulgaria.

We cut to—hooray!—Bobbi-Lee, who is performing a scene from the play for a pub full of, well, Áine. They joke around with each other, seemingly having forgotten their recent adventures in kidnapping, and then Bobbi-Lee excuses herself to the ladies’ room after asking Áine if she’ll be all right on her own. Bobbi-Lee’s famous good judgment: leaving a 9-year-old unattended in an empty pub. Áine wanders away, but then comes back just in time to see Pól attempting to steal the till, and, when that fails, taking money out of Bobbi-Lee’s purse and then skulking away. She looks scandalized, because as we all know, Áine is entitled to a cut of all thefts, bribes, or extortions taking place within pub premises.

The doctor or whoever is rubbing that wand thingy all over Katy’s belly trying to find a heartbeat, and while we’re waiting, Katy chuckles to Jason that she’s totally not going to have an abortion now, and that, like, her hormones were just—oh my God!—totally all over the place yesterday. I’m sure the doctor who’s forced to listen to this inanity is feeling very sorry for this baby, but she declares that it’s fine, apart from being doomed by having Katy and possibly Jason as parents.

Back at the pub, Áine attacks Bobbi-Lee and Frances with her plastic sword, and based on Katy’s injuries earlier in the show, I’m surprised the makeup department doesn’t have blood gushing everywhere. She tells them that there was a thief here a few minutes ago, and they laugh and play along because, you know, children are stupid. She seems frustrated that they don’t believe her, and I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you explained to them that you’re a superhero who chased the thief away with your sword, kid.

Jason returns from the gift shop with a stack of Teen Vogues and Beanos for Katy, who brightly tells him that she just wants things to go back to the way they were, although she’s going to need a servant when she moves back in with him, ha ha. This comes as news to Jason, who tells her he’s not sure he can forgive her, but that he’d like to be friends, so she throws him out, as friends do.

Out in the street, Mack chases down Evan, who is carrying some kind of implement that flashes by so quickly we can’t see what it is, so I’m going to say it’s a pitchfork. Evan explains that Pól threatened Máire and now is going to be killed WITH A PITCHFORK. Mack too is angry, but he explains that Peadar would be ashamed of Evan’s behavior. Oh, and there is wrestling and twirling each other around, which will serve them well when they’re on Strictly Come Dancing next year.

Awful Jennifer tracks down Mo at the restaurant and gives her the sack, because the bookies’ isn’t making any money. Mo tries to explain that she’s one of the stars of the show and therefore can’t be fired, but Jennifer will not listen to reason, and departs in a cloud of ice crystals and terribleness.

At the B&B, Evan explains to Máire that he ended up not killing Pól after all because Mack told him a story about a time he and John Joe were going to kill someone, but Peadar talked them out of it. The best part is when Mack mimes punching into his own palm, which nearly causes Máire to faint, but all’s well that ends well, as she and her rosary beads settle down for a quiet evening at home watching Naked Attraction.

Chez Daly, Dee and John Joe gently sit Katy and her head wound down on the sofa, and even more gently suggest that now might be the time for Katy to tell her mother that she’s pregnant. She whines that she doesn’t want anyone to know yet, and you may recall that just last episode she and Jason were screaming in the street about whether she was going to have an abortion or not. Mack, who has found a way to work himself into pretty much every scene this episode, shows up, and so Dee, apparently deciding that Katy’s gotten enough attention for one day, chooses this moment to announce that they’re engaged! John Joe is pleased, to everyone’s surprise, but Katy looks like she’s going to vomit repeatedly, and she better be careful or else she’ll reopen that head wound, and I suspect TG4 has already spent their blood budget for this season.

Next time: Mo wants to discuss getting the sack with Awful Jennifer, whose kind and helpful reply is that she’s sure Mo is looking forward to having all this free time now. Instead of slapping her, Mo guarantees her that she can have the bookies’ making a profit again within three months, but I’m sure I’m not alone in hoping that somewhere during this storyline Mo will have a series of jobs that involve her wearing hilarious costumes, such as a giant hot dog or an ice cream cone.