At their place, Berni and Briain are discussing the fact that Jude kept them up half the night, and it’s clear they are both fed up with this shite but know they will go to hell if they say it out loud. He presents her with a spa gift certificate and says they’ll go there this afternoon, and you can tell he’s serious because it’s from a legitimate spa in Galway and not just Gráinne kicking you in the spine at Loinnir. He even volunteers Bobbi Lee in absentia to look after Jude while they’re gone, but Berni reminds her that Bobbi Lee has an appointment to see a fortuneteller today, which is apparently a thing she does now. Briain’s suggestion that perhaps Evan could get his arse over here and acknowledge his grandmother’s existence for a change goes nowhere, because, as Berni explains, Evan finds Jude eepy-cray, and is also selfish. Briain frowns a lot at this, which history tells us means he and Evan will be wrestling in the street in the next 15 minutes.
Over at the B&B, Máire is on the phone with Micheál, who is on the way home from following a Betty Boo tribute band around America. She reports grimly that the hospital is going to release Laoise today even though in Máire’s expert melodramatic opinion she is still on the brink of death, but tells him not to worry if his plane is delayed, because if anything happens she can just bury Laoise in the backyard. Evan goes to answer the door and of course it’s Michelle, who is new since the last time I recapped. As I was saying earlier, she is in 106% of all the scenes on this show now and is everybody’s BFF, including some people who haven’t even met her yet. Somewhere in Dubai, Eoin keeps waking up in a cold sweat moaning, “Cá bhfuil Michelle??!?” I will give you a moment to imagine Eoin sweating and moaning. Anyway, in spite of her perma-smile and jolly headband, we are pretty sure Michelle is at least 75% evil, and will probably end up killing poor Adam, though she’ll be beaming and handing out flowers while she does it. Anyway, Michelle has arrived to tell everyone that she can help out with Laoise when she arrives from the hospital, feeding her porridge with pills in it and sponge-bathing her brainstem and so on. Máire thinks she’ll be all right without her assistance, what with Laoise being in a coma and all, so Michelle tells her if she changes her mind, she’ll be up at the polytunnel. This sends Máire into a fit of existential despair and collapsing onto the linoleum, and when she finishes speaking in tongues she reminds us all that because the polytunnel is where Laoise got attacked, it should be burned to the ground, its ashes thrown into the ocean, and the ocean filled in with cement. She’ll really be upset when she realizes Michelle could also get shot in the penis at the polytunnel like David did. She tells Evan to go up there and check on Michelle later, and take some bin bags with him in which to bring back her inevitably dismembered remains.
At one of the many Daly residences, Dee is trying to whip Katy into a frenzy about Pádraig’s stank attitude, telling her she shouldn’t take any of his crap but should instead march back down there and, like, blow up the restaurant. I appreciate that Dee is so committed to destroying Katy that she is all right with everyone else in town being collateral damage. Katy thinks that perhaps Pádraig has a point, what with her being an incompetent amphetamine addict and all, so Dee switches tacks and tries rallying her around a feminist flag, declaring that Katy will be letting down Gloria Steinem, Adele, and Captain Marvel if she doesn’t storm outside and start stabbing people. Dee then produces a bottle of wine and pours Katy a glass the size of her head, explaining that she deserves a little tipple since she’s had a hard day and doesn’t have to go back to work today anyway. Katy protests weakly, but eventually gives in, proclaiming, “I suppose one won’t do any harm.” She said the same thing when she had sex with Mack, and we all know how that turned out. She drains half the glass and then goes to the other room to answer a call from Electricity Incorporated, at which point Dee refills her glass to the brim and smiles evilly. I love that Dee’s transformation into Dark Phoenix as played by Bette Davis is complete.
At the pub, Bobbi Lee is musing about what the fortuneteller might see, and Mo replies that all she’s going to see is Bobbi Lee’s money going into her purse. Snerk. I’ve missed the Bobbi Lee/Mo banter and am glad Mo is back behind the bar so it can resume. Local charwoman Annette tries to join the conversation, and Mo semi-engages her while Bobbi Lee gives her a hilarious look that seems to say, “Why is it talking to me?” If you’ve forgotten, Mo and Bobbi Lee are operating under a theory that Annette and Peatsaí are having an illicit affair, so they decide to engage in some light entrapment, which involves Bobbi Lee, who throughout this scene is drinking out of an empty cup, winking conspiratorially at Mo, swiveling on her barstool like a Bond villain, and clearing her throat before asking a series of leading questions. Sadly her foolproof plan is thwarted by the fact that it makes no sense, and then Peatsaí strolls in and announces that he’s got to go to Galway for the day for his flamenco-dancing lessons or whatever, and Annette suddenly remembers also has to go somewhere, but totally coincidentally. Clearly they learned the art of subtlety from watching Are You Being Served? They wander off, and Mo shoots her best suspicious look at them. Well, the important thing is that Peatsaí and Annette are going off to have hot sex in the backseat of his Ford Fiesta or whatever, since there is obviously NO OTHER MORE LIKELY THING THAT COULD BE GOING ON APPARENTLY.
Over at the David’s Crotch Memorial Shed, Michelle is on the phone trying to arrange lodging for her new homeless friend who isn’t Andy, that’s for sure. Just then he strolls in, and since this is the first time I’ve recapped since his return from the dead, let me take a moment to say AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE IT’S ANDY!!!!!! With that out of the way, she hangs up and an episode of House Hunters International breaks out as she starts rattling off a list of properties she’s identified, enumerating the pros and cons of each. Will he choose the one with the amazing pool that’s at the end of the airport runway, or the one with a chef’s kitchen that has a view of a burning nuclear power plant? He protests leadingly that even if she pays his deposit, there’s no way he’ll be able to pay the rent, so she whips out her wallet stuffed with cash and says he doesn’t need to worry his pretty li’l head about it, because she’s going to help him. So, my question is: in the season finale, is Andy going to kill Michelle or is Michelle going to kill Andy?
Back at Daly Central, we see that Katy has drunk the entire bottle of wine. I’m sure Dee didn’t waste her good wine on Operation: Destroy Katy, so I’m guessing it cost €2 at Aldi and is made from grapes grown in the lush fertile hills of downtown Latvia. Dee wanders in and starts fretting dramatically about how she just remembered that she was supposed to go into Bearna today to buy a TENS machine, which I have never heard of, so I’m going to assume it’s like a Roomba that pushes the baby back in if it starts coming out too soon. Alas, she is too enfeebled to drive, and Mack is on an airport run. Katy suggests that surely he’ll be back before too long, so Dee adds that the airport in question is Charles de Gaulle. Katy continues suggesting alternatives, such as seeing if Vince sells them or if Máire has one she’s not using right now, so Dee starts having full-body back spasms and says she can feel the baby’s arm hanging out and so on, so Katy volunteers to drive into town to get it since she’s only, like, seven-eighths drunk. Dee protests weakly, but Katy grabs the keys and staggers out, at which point Dee grabs her phone, calls the Gardaí, and says she’s just seen a drunk woman getting into a car heading towards Bearna, and why yes, she does have the license plate memorized! OMG, Dee is truly the worst, by which I mean THE BEST.
After the break, Michelle is continuing to shoot banknotes in Andy’s direction like a malfunctioning ATM. He’s delighted with this jackpot, although he does miss the part where he hits someone over the head with a tire iron first. The phone rings and it’s Evan, and Michelle tells him sure, he can come over right now, which gives Andy a sudden case of diarrhea face. At least I think that’s what his face is doing behind his insane beard. If you’ve ever wondered what Che Guevara would look like if he were still alive, Andy is answering that question. He suddenly remembers that he is, errr, supposed to be sitting his leaving cert exams over in, ummm, Bray right now, so he’d better run, so she tells him to call her when he’s found a suitable place to live and she’ll rush right over with another truckload of money. Oh, FFS, Michelle. I really hope Michelle turns out to be Europe’s #1 counterfeiter, and that all this throwing cash around is just her way of getting it all into circulation, although of course it will end with Adam going to prison because, well, Adam.
Katy has made it to the front of the queue at the traffic stop, and when the Garda, who sadly is not the usual hunky Jason Statham cop we usually see but is at least not Tony, asks her to step out of the car, she thinks about it for a bit and then says she really thinks she’d prefer to stay in the car, thanks. He is having none of her nonsense and orders her to get out, and all I can think is that it’s a shame Dee didn’t think to dissolve some of her mail-order amphetamines in the wine so we could see Katy leap onto the roof of the car, do a highly choreographed rendition of “Proud Mary,” and then fall into a windmill.
At a posh hotel, Bobbi Lee is excitedly telling a cool fuchsia-haired extra that the fortuneteller just predicted a wedding in her future! The extra is very happy for her, and all I can say is that I would have ROCKED it as a fuchsia-haired extra jumping up and down and squealing with Bobbi Lee. Just then Peatsaí and Annette enter and sit down on a velvet settee, which I am pretty sure is a word, and they start discussing whether there should be salmon or beef at the wedding. Of course this causes Bobbi Lee to wee in her leather pants, which look amazing by the way, so she hides behind a poster and eavesdrops in disbelief on more wedding planning. She makes a hilariously disgusted face when Annette and Peatsaí start discussing the honeymoon suite, and when they stroll off arm in arm, she climbs out from behind the poster and smiles triumphantly.
At the pub, a grumpily despondent Briain tells David that he really digs Berni because she’s a happenin’, groovy chick, but he’s not sure he can handle all the associated drama, what with Jude being a burden and Evan being a giant steaming pile. As someone else who has tilled Berni’s fields in the past, David’s expert opinion is that this can’t be easy on her either, especially since Evan has been a douche for decades now. I’m paraphrasing. He adds unhelpfully that no relationship is easy. For example, Gráinne is a witch or something and also keeps buying imaginary land on the internet. He concludes that if Briain and Berni are meant to be together, it will all work out, and if not, he can blow everything up by sleeping with Bobbi Lee or Pádraig or something.
Bobbi Lee arrives at the pub in her usual cloud of chaos, informing Mo and Colm that the fortuneteller says there’s a wedding in her future, but even more exciting, Annette and Peatsaí are totally doing it and they are going to get married. For you Simpsons fans, it’s very, “Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!” I always thought David was Ros na Rún’s Ralph Wiggum, but I suppose he and Bobbi Lee can take turns. Mo and Colm are skeptical, having met Peatsaí, Annette, and Bobbi Lee, but she insists she saw it with her own eyes, adding that she saw them planning the menu and discussing their headboard-rattling tour of the honeymoon suite.
Micheál arrives home from Amerikay and is surprised to find Laoise up and walking around since Máire had told him she had been reduced to a submolecular paste. Máire’s explanation is that she has prayed Laoise back to life, and then there’s some more nonsense along those lines we will skip over. I guess Réailtín has gone back to school, or is in the other room having her forehead pierced with a ballpoint pen.
Back at the pub, Peatsaí strolls through and is vague to Mo and Colm about why he’s in such a good mood, which makes them wonder if Bobbi Lee is right after all. The default answer to this is always “no,” especially in case like this where it’s obvious to all of us what’s actually going on, but it will probably be good for a few laughs, so I will allow it.