Chez Daly, Noreen and Dee are arguing about Cóilí Jackie’s suitability or lack thereof as a godfather, and we get the impression this has been going on for some time. Noreen says Dee has gone overboard with this gratitude thing, because while CJ is “a nice man” (?), he’s not godfather material, by which she means he’s not the sort of person you would want to be in the same room with, like, ever. Dee seems surprised by this, so Noreen reminds us all of the time Cóilí Jackie went into the community center with a gun and threatened to shoot everybody, and—even worse—suspects he doesn’t own a suit! Well, that’s the last straw. Dee says she doubts Bláithín cares about the suit, and furthermore, which of us hasn’t daydreamed of going into the community center and shooting up the place every now and then? They bicker for a while, and eventually John Joe, who has been sitting there doing a crossword and trying to blend into the wallpaper, volunteers that Noreen needs to stop making excuses and just admit that she doesn’t want Cóilí Jackie to be the godfather because she’s afraid he’ll embarrass her at the christening, especially since Bláithín’s godmother is going to be famous wagon Geena Kennedy, the worst person on earth. Noreen sputters a weak denial, but Dee asks her in a remarkably restrained tone to please keep her nose out of it. Well, I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear of this.
Briain returns home from a morning of running errands for Berni just in time for her to ask him to stay with Jude all day, feed her tiny meals every 10 minutes following her inscrutable and often contradictory dietary restrictions, and do multiple loads of laundry while he’s at it. He reminds her that he’s got an appointment in Galway at 1:00, and besides, he just spotted Evan hanging around the pharmacy scratching his arse and staring into space, but Berni begs and flutters her fringe at him until he submits, at which point she flits off and he looks aggrieved.
Elsewhere, Jude is being peevish and argumentative with Briain about everything, including the fact that she can’t be expected to eat toast again today because she just had it yesterday. Oh, dear. Briain is very patient with her until he can’t take it anymore, so he gives up on trying to get her to eat something and starts working on the next item on his drudgery checklist, the laundry. He notices he’s left his belt in his jeans in the basket, so as he takes it out, Jude starts screaming and cowering in fear, leaving Briain utterly confused. I mean, even more than he is usually confused at both acute and broad existential levels.
And now, this. Back at the Dalys’, Noreen has lured Cóilí Jackie into the kitchen to convince him not to be Bláithín’s godfather and, if that doesn’t work, to murder him and put him down the garbage disposal. As he coos over the baby, Noreen points out that being a godparent is a very expensive proposition these days, since the current gift schedule is €700 per lost baby tooth, €4900 per birthday, and an all-expenses paid trip to Tahiti for First Communion. This all comes as news to poor Cóilí Jackie, who remembers when the special gift for your First Communion was not being spanked the entire day. Noreen actually claims that Dee’s godparents, the Awful Kennedys, actually set up an effing trust fund for her quinceañera or whatever, and I swear I am not even making this up, although hopefully Noreen is. Having not laid it on thick and yucky enough already, Noreen continues that Bláithín’s godmother Geena Kennedy will probably give her the deed to the Empire State Building and a functioning time machine for her christening, hint hint, and Cóilí Jackie is clearly starting to wonder what kind of world he has stepped into here. The answer is: a world in which Noreen is terrible.
Michelle is, stupidly, involved in a long debate over the phone with Andy, explaining that the bank says they can’t give her €250,000 in cash today. He’s over in Recycle Pod Park, which is taking a break from being the location in which David gets beaten up to host this nonsense. Andy is furious and yells menacingly into the phone a lot when she reports that she can only withdraw €5000. They argue for a while, and he finally demands that she meet him tonight with €5000 in cash at the abandoned factory, and this is all getting a bit Scooby-Doo for me. Michelle’s only hope is that the old prospector has set up a slide projector of a scary ghost to frighten investors away from the abandoned factory because he wants to turn it into a mill.
After the break, we’re at Gaudi, where Máire is asking Laoise’s cobweb-covered skeleton if it thinks Máire talks too much. Because this is Laoise, she’s basically like, “Oh, yeah, you’re the worst,” so Máire starts fretting that she’s going to lose her job. Laoise replies that this is rubbish, since the more Máire talks, the more the punters buy, making it a sort of pharmaceutical ransom scheme. This causes a light bulb to come on somewhere in the vicinity of Máire’s head and she announces she’s got a plan, which is of course the only thing in the village more terrifying than Bobbi Lee announcing she’s got a plan.
At Gaudi, Berni is trying to broach the topic of Evan getting off his backside and helping with his grandmother every once in a while, but he’s being a complete asshole about it and petulantly asks if Briain put her up to this. Oh my God, Evan really is the worst. He claims he’s flat out over at Máire’s, as evidenced by the fact that we have not seen him without a cup of tea in his hand in the past month, but eventually Berni harasses him into grudgingly agreeing to help in a vague, unspecified way at an undetermined point in the future, possibly in an alternate timeline. Someone better point out to him that leaving a flaming bag of dog doo on Berni’s doorstep does not constitute helping.
Speaking of Bláithín, Dee has summoned Cóilí Jackie for a followup discussion on the godfather thing. She asks again why he changed his mind, and he repeats that he’s too old, cheerfully adding that he’ll be dead by the time Bláithín is a teenager. Possibly sooner if she turns out to be the axe murderer! Dee uses her expert lawyering skills to extricate the truth about Noreen’s role in all this and then narrows her eyes ominously, clearly trying to figure out how she’s going to swap out Noreen’s blood pressure medicine with amphetamines.
We get a Gráinne sighting over at Gaudi, where she’s telling Mo and Colm about all the no-longer-secret plans Peatsaí’s lined up for their wedding, such as singing waiters, a juggler, a duck that plays the piano, and Heather from Fair City. Mo and Colm, being perhaps the closest thing to normal human beings we will ever see on this show, think all this sounds terrible, especially because they do not watch Fair City. They leave and then Gráinne’s new BFF Michelle wanders past acting shell-shocked and incoherent, which of course Gráinne does not notice because she lives with David and Pádraig and at their house “shell-shocked and incoherent” is considered a good day.
It’s dinnertime at the Dalys, which means it’s time for a fight to break out. Noreen is carrying on about the dress and hat and thigh-highs she’s going to wear to the christening, and then Dee interrupts to ask her how she could be so terrible. Before Noreen can ask whether she means in general or about something in particular, Dee and John Joe tell her they know all about her Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? antics with Cóilí Jackie. She tries to change the subject by accusing them of ganging up on her, but Dee is having none of it and declares that Cóilí Jackie is too going to be Bláithín’s godfather, and if Noreen is afraid he’ll embarrass her in front of the Kennedys, the apparent royal family of Donegal, she’ll just un-invite Bloody Geena. Just then there’s a knock at the door and it’s Cóilí Jackie, whom Dee has invited to join them for dinner. This is probably partially to try to smooth things over with him, but knowing Dee, it is probably mostly to really stick it to Noreen, and judging by the sick expression on Noreen’s face, it seems to be working.
Across town, Vince tells Michelle that Caitríona has gone for a girls’ night out. We are unaware of any local girls who would want to spend an evening with Caitríona, but OK. Maybe Geena Kennedy. Anyway, this suits Michelle fine, because she wants to have a private word with him. She says she’s very grateful to him and Caitríona, but mostly him, for letting her stay there, but that her previously unmentioned BFF Sophie has just broken up with her boyfriend and/or fallen down a well, so she’d really better go to Dublin to look after her. Vince sadly says that these things must be done sometimes, and it’s unclear whether he is referring grimly to taking care of a suffering friend or going to Dublin. Michelle adds that it’s likely she won’t come back to Ros na Rún, EVER. He immediately assumes this is because of Caitríona, because she’s usually the reason people leave town and never come back, but Michelle clarifies that, no, it’s because of some unclear reasons involving imaginary Sophie that it’s best if Vince doesn’t ask any questions about. He seems genuinely sad, but says he understands, and on the plus side, Dublin isn’t that far away. OR IS IT? Ruh-roh!