Mo emerges from her bedroom in her robe and finds Colm and David, only one of whom is supposed to be at her kitchen table this time of day. Colm should leave immediately! David has of course stopped in on his mail rounds for a light buffet breakfast, and then stupidly decides to put his foot way up in it by joking about how it’s nice for some lazy sods like Mo who are able to sleep late and laze around in their bathrobes when they’re not busy puking up their chemo drugs. Eventually he realizes what he’s said and tries to dig himself out of it, but Mo has met him before and is therefore surprised only by the fact that he stopped himself before saying, “I wish I had cancer!” and putting his head down on the table for a sob. She lets him twist in the wind for a while before he finally throws today’s letters at her, some of which may actually be intended for her or Colm, and runs out the door. Unfortunately for her, one of them is a bill from the hospital demanding she pay €5000 for the chemo she’s had so far. Colm assures her it must be a mistake because her insurance should be paying for it all, but she looks worried. Clearly the solution is for Mo to stop opening letters from the hospital.
At Gaudi, Dee is playing what appears to be a new variant of “Shag, Marry, Kill” with Jason in which the choices are beef stroganoff, chili con carne, and Nicolas Cage. Before Jason can ask “Nic Cage from which era?”, however, Dee explains that she’s asking his meal preference for the dinner party she’s having Monday night, which clearly Katy has forgotten to tell him about, further confirming our suspicion that Katy and Jason’s entire relationship is a slow-motion game of “Shag, Marry, Kill,” in that order. Mack arrives to give Dee the Fia/Niall report, and she says that he did the right thing and then commands Jason to agree with her even though he has no idea who any of these people are and the only emotion he is capable of feeling anymore is vague 360-degree hatred.
At the café, where today’s special is lasagna panini with chips, Mo finishes a call with the hospital and tells Úna that it turns out it was just an administrative error, which when talking to a hospital always means you are going to end up stuck with the bill. Speaking of terrible mistakes, she asks Úna what the latest with the whole Aidan thing is, and Úna replies that she’s decided she’ll just have to take leave without pay until this transfer goes through a year from now. At this, Mo expresses disbelief that Úna has apparently forgotten to tell her that she is independently wealthy and therefore has no need for income, but Úna replies that naah, she just figures she’ll live with Mo rent-free for the next year, eating her food and flirting with her boyfriend. Remember when mother-daughter bonding meant going for a pedicure a couple of times per year? After Mo finishes pooing her pants, she smiles and says this sounds iontach, as long as “iontach” means “terrible” now.
At this point Fia asks Laoise if she doesn’t have somewhere else she could be right now, such as at work or being compressed into a quantum singularity in a black hole at the center of a distant galaxy, and when Laoise asks her why she hates Niall so much, she replies that he’s ruined everything between her and Vanessa forever. It seems that, contrary to the story she told Máire, all Fia and Vanessa did in Australia was fight about everything, such as whether water spirals the wrong way down the sink and whether a kangaroo will let you climb in its pouch, and that she finally had to come back because Vanessa hates her over the Niall thing and will never forgive her. Intentionally getting your mother’s boyfriend drunk so he will sleep with you: the gift that keeps on giving. Anyway, this is all Niall’s fault somehow, and he is a menace to society who must be kept from his son.
Upstairs at the pub, Frances is looking at photos of the children on Jason’s phone and exclaiming that Jay looks like Conall, who is apparently a Daly of some kind. Sorry, Frances, the correct answer would have been, “My goodness, doesn’t Jay look like Mack?” She thanks him for calling her to meet with him, and he tells her that they’ll always be family no matter what happens between her and Tadhg. That’s the nicest thing Jason has said to anyone since, well, ever, which makes us wonder what his ulterior motive is. Maybe he’s going to ask Frances to help him dispose of Katy’s body. He asks if there’s any chance she and Tadhg will get back together, but she sadly says no, because Tadhg was in love with Maggie the whole time, and there’s no point in sticking together if both parties don’t want it. So, you’re saying you don’t think Katy would fit in the bin outside Texaco? What if you folded her in half?
Fia arrives at Gaudi to find Katy, Pádraig, and (for some reason) Laoise having a nice chat about how excited he is to have Sam back in his life. Laoise takes this opportunity to publicly stick it to Fia once again, exclaiming at high volume how lucky Sam is that, unlike some blonde slappers we could mention, his mother thinks it’s important for him to have a relationship with his father. OK, Laoise clearly neither watches this show nor reads these recaps or else she wouldn’t be calling Sonia “reasonable,” or Sam “lucky.” Pádraig agrees, and Fia purses her lips and rolls her eyes like an adorably annoyed kewpie doll and then presents the opposite opinion, which Pádraig also agrees with, so this is all very productive. The final sentiment expressed is that while Sonia was keeping them apart, Sam thought it was his fault that his dad didn’t want anything to do with him, which allows Laoise to zap an “I told you so” look at Fia, which is the only joy she has nowadays.
Meanwhile, Fia arrives home at the B&B to find Máire in a tizzy, even by her standards. Of course the long-term reason for this is that Máire finds the world upsetting and unbearable, but the short-term trigger is that Niall is there, and while she acts as if he’s holding her and the baby hostage with a flare gun à là the best episode of Fair City EVER, no, he’s just sitting around waiting for Fia to come home so he can have a reasonable chat with her. The monster!
Jason arrives at Gaudi and Katy immediately picks a fight with him over the fact that…ah, there’s no reason to finish that sentence. It’s nice that they’re taking turns being the aggressor here, since all last week he was the one who started pointless fights with her in every scene.
Upstairs at the pub, Tadhg tells Jason that one of that Donegal crowd was in looking for him earlier, which leads to his usual diatribe about how terrible the Dalys are, and that Jason’s really stuck now that he’s stupidly married and had a baby with one of them. This clearly strikes a nerve with Jason, who’s all, “Ní stuck mé!”, and Tadhg tells him to keep his hair on, such as it is. (I’m allowed to say this because I have even less hair than Jason.) He adds that the Dalys are terrible, but that they’re better than being alone, he guesses, which is really the nicest thing Tadhg has ever said about any of them. More startlingly, he manages to say it without making fun of their accents, which is a sure sign that the apocalypse is upon us. Jason asks if Tadhg misses Frances and Áine, and when he says he does, Jason asks if he regrets his decision to leave them. Tadhg replies that he regrets a lot of things, such as this conversation, but that there’s nothing he can do about it now.
Back at the B&B, Fia explains to Máire that she’s decided to let Niall spend time with Liam Óg, what with his being his father and all. Máire’s charitable response, of course, is along the lines of him, “Is he forcing you to say that? HAS HE GOT A GUN?”, but Fia ignores her nonsense and calmly states that it will be good for Liam Óg to know his father, especially since his great-grandmother is a lunatic. Máire is passive-aggressive to both of them about it and then starts rattling off the house rules, which she carries around on a laminated sheet of paper for occasions such as this: no kidnapping Liam Óg, no feeding Liam Óg outside the approved schedule, no giving him new foods without submitting a form in triplicate 3 business days in advance, etc. She really has got a nerve. She acts like Niall’s going to be feeding him drain cleaner and razor blades if they give him the chance. Once again he manages to keep his mouth shut in the face of an onslaught of insanity and agrees to all this, which hopefully means next episode he’ll take Liam Óg to a strip club where he’ll feed him raw oysters half an hour before his scheduled dinnertime.
Over at Keane’s, local nutter Cóilí Jackie has arrived to kick some giant bags of fertilizer and ask Adam if they’re on sale. Adam, who is hilariously carrying a cactus around for no reason, tells him that the bags of shit are regular price, but that he’s just lowered the price on this cactus. He looks genuinely heartbroken when Cóilí Jackie informs him that he doesn’t believe he needs a cactus right now, thank you, and instead will just take one of these giant bags of fertilizer, because no matter how hard he tries, he just can’t produce that quantity of poo in a day. Adam says they’re €7.50 per bag, at which point Jackie suddenly remembers that he actually needs ten bags AND the cactus, leaving Adam looking delighted. Oh my God, you guys, I cannot tell you how happy the sight of Adam and now Cóilí Jackie carrying this cactus around is making me, although as a cactus grower myself, I do worry somewhat about Cóilí Jackie’s ability to take care of it/not feed it to a goat immediately.
Back at Gaudi, Dee tries to confirm the time for Monday’s dinner party with Katy, whom Jason clearly hasn’t told about it, even though earlier in the episode it seemed it was Katy who hadn’t told Jason about it. Perhaps all this lawyering, barristering, or solicitoring is starting to get to Dee. Jason wanders past and says he didn’t bother telling Katy about it because he knew they wouldn’t be able to go, because he’s planned a family trip to Dublin to visit someone called Paddy that he also hasn’t told Katy about. Absent lines of communication are so important in a hate-based relationship. Dee leaves in a huff, and Katy starts a fight with Jason about how he’s planned this trip to Dublin just to avoid having dinner with Mack and Dee. Well, to be fair, David will also be there, and he’s not a big draw either. He apologizes for having been so grumpy lately and adds that a few days away from the Tadhg/Frances drama is exactly what they need, and she eventually agrees to go on one condition, which is that he lets her take a photo of him standing VERY close to the edge of the Liffey and will keep backing up to “fit into the frame” as many times as she tells him without asking any questions.