Anyway! That was then and this is now and “turn, turn, turn” and so on. I hope they replace Maggie with that giant plastic ice cream cone in the opening credits for the rest of the season.
Anyway, Mo, who you may recall has decided that Colm and Úna are having an affair, walks up just as Úna is whispering to him “You’ve seen it before,” so she gives them a look that makes it clear she’s imagining the “it” Úna is referring to is her nipple or her unmentionably placed Bucks Fizz tattoo. There is some light awkwardness, during which Úna and Colm act as suspicious as possible, which shines some light on why neither of them has had resounding success in their careers as detective and criminal, respectively. They make up some nonsense about how Mack’s snoring has been keeping Úna awake, which makes it sound like Dee has installed bunk beds in the hall for them to sleep on, and then Colm announces that she won’t have that problem tonight since he doesn’t snore. Confusingly, it seems Úna is moving in with Mo for a while, because when you’re trying to keep a nonsense secret from someone, the best thing to do is spend as much time with them as possible. Mack breezes past me into the scene, straining the limits of how much hunkiness a single frame of film can contain, and then when Mo, Colm, and Úna repeat the seafóid about the snoring and the Smurfs coming out of a spaceship and whatnot to him, he brilliantly just looks blankly at them for a while without saying a word before telling Mo they’d better hit the road if they want to make her hospital appointment. The two of them head for the door, but as she leaves, Mo turns back for a moment and thinks about how fortunate she is to know the cool guy at the table behind Úna. It’s possible she may actually be trying not to imagine her mother and her boyfriend having sex.
We return to the café, where Úna and Colm are still discussing the fact that Aidan is trying to ruin her career. Sadly it appears the handsome gentlemen at the table behind her have finished pretending to drink their coffee and left. My theory is that the tall one wanted to make a quick exit before Berni returned and beat him to death for some of the things he’s written about her over the years.
Out in the street, Colm and Úna are still talking about the time she found a cheese & onion crisp in her bag of Monster Munch or whatever. She says she’s going to go request a transfer out of Aidan’s division, but she’s too incapacitated by fainting and throwing up to drive, so Colm volunteers to cancel the nice lunch he’s planned with Mo so he can take Úna to wherever “there” is. Of course all this piss-poor, non-sneaky sneaking around is to keep Mo from finding out that Úna and Aidan have broken up and then getting upset about it, which I think overestimates how much Mo cares about Úna’s love life by about 700 percent.
Frances arrives at the pub to pick up Áine and take her to her carjacking lesson, but she whines that she wants to stay there tonight because she’s hardly seen Cuán and Cuán Óg at all yet, and besides, having all the windows open is really starting to get the smell of incestuous adultery out of the place. There’s back-and-forthing, and eventually Frances relents, and it’s nice to see her and Tadhg exchanging looks that aren’t dripping with hate for a change, especially since we now have Katy and Jason to do that, anyway.
After the break, we’re still at Gaudi, where David and Gráinne are having a confusing conversation about how tomorrow they are going to have to swap bedrooms with Pádraig because of some arrangement that makes no sense. I have no idea what this is about, but we’ll care about it later, I guess.
At the shop, Fia is buying a box of nappies when Laoise, who we’re sure is buying her nightly crate of wine, decides to harass her about being a lazy slapper who takes advantage of Máire all the time, such as leaving Liam Óg with her while she swans around buying diapers like Lady Rockefeller. Oh, FFS. Fia points out that Laoise seems a lot more worried about Máire now than she did when she moved out so she could bang her various boyfriends around the clock, and adds that none of this is any of her damn business anyway, so if she’s got something to say, she can shove it up her polytunnel. Go, Fia!
Back at Gaudi, Katy is regaling the group with tales of her fabulous life in Tenerife, with its swimming pools and movie stars and Are You Being Served? dubbed into Spanish on BBC Cuatro. It was harder for Jason, she admits, because he was always off working, and also really missed Maura and Daithí. Mack volunteers that he thinks they’re mad for leaving the sun and sangria for Ros na Rún, with its sideways rain and Berni, and when he and John Joe head for the bar to argue over the bill, Dee sidles up to her sister and asks why they really came back. It’s hard to tell whether this is loving sisterly girl talk or an attempt to dig up the dirt Katy is obviously hiding, but since it’s Dee, I suppose it can be both. Katy makes up some nonsense about their lease being up and Catalonian unrest and Spexit, which of course Dee doesn’t believe one bit of, so she gets up and wanders away so Katy can have some private time staring sadly into the middle distance.
At the pub, Áine asks Tadhg if she and her mom can move back in now that Maggie is coughing up in heaven. He says no, but before she can put up a fight, a black cloud of despair in the shape of Jason arrives, so she flees. He sits down at the table for a lovely father-son chat, which immediately turns into a conversation about how awful the Dalys are, both individually and as a group. Jason, whose hair is at an unfortunate length right now, asks Tadhg some questions about Maggie, and then says that he misses Lee. He adds in a not-very-veiled manner that he hates Katy and that hooking up with her was a mistake, which of course anyone who had ever seen this show could have told him a long time ago, and then basically says he wishes he had the courage to leave the horrific nightmare that is his life with Katy and follow his dreams. Presumably that involves faking his own death by jumping out the window of a chip van as it plummets into the ocean and then starting a new life running a SIM card shop at the Bali airport.
At their place, Mo is pretending to be asleep on the sofa while Colm talks quietly to Úna on the phone for the fiftieth time today, and then we cut to the pub, where Bobbi-Lee asks the assembled barflies whom they think will inherit Maggie’s fortune. Frances? Caitríona thinks she’ll leave it all to Tadhg, which excites Bobbi-Lee because she hypothesizes that in this scenario Cuán might eventually get some of it. True, but on the other hand, it will be difficult for Bobbi-Lee to put on a wig and dark glasses and convincingly present herself as Cuán at the bank. Mack points out that if Tadhg gets it nobody else will ever see a penny of it, and then Laoise speculates that some previously unknown relative will appear out of the woodwork and claim the money. Well, Laoise does know a thing or two about previously unknown relatives appearing out of the woodwork. Of course, Tadhg has emerged from the “secret” door behind the bar and has been standing there listening during this entire conversation, but somehow none of the barflies can see him even though he’s standing right there. It feels like those implausible Shakespearean shenanigans where nobody can see the protagonist because he’s hiding behind a teacup or when two characters who look nothing alike are somehow completely indistinguishable because they are wearing the same color shirt. Anyway, Tadhg shockingly doesn’t go ballistic and throw them all out of his pub, suggesting that he’s finally realized than in a town of only 20 people over the legal drinking age, a publican needs to be careful about barring folks left and right.
Upstairs, the TV is blaring as Jason sulkily catches up on the past twelve months of Maura and Daithí. Katy arrives, brightly plops herself down next to him, and starts kissing and hugging the side of his head, which causes him to shrug her off and look at her disgustedly as if she’s a giant tapeworm. She points out that their four-to-six children are all asleep, presumably out in the car, and that Tadhg is downstairs, so now would be a good opportunity for the two of them to, you know, rock the casbah. Now he looks at her as if she’s a giant horny tapeworm and hisses at her that she’s drunk. It’s quite an accomplishment that he can say anything given that he appears to have just thrown up in his mouth. He announces that he’s going to bed, and is less than thrilled when she offers to join him, especially when she complains that it’s chilly and she wonders if Tadhg has an extra electric blanket. At this he starts a big fight with her for no reason, snotting that she’s the one who wanted to come home from warm, sunny Spain, so she’s not allowed to complain about being cold no matter how many of her toes fall off. She whines that the reason she wanted to come home was that he was neglecting her, leaving her alone all day with the four to six kids, whom she can’t even talk to anymore because at this point they only speak Spanish. They argue about nothing for a while, and she complains that he didn’t even speak to her family while they were at Gaudi’s, to which he basically replies, “Yeah, because they suck.” Sadly she storms off downstairs before he can throw Mack in her face, either literally or figuratively, and then he glares angrily into the middle distance, which is his only friend now. Remember back when we were all rooting for Katy and Jason to end up together? Yeah, me neither.