At her place, Mo is on the phone arguing with the hospital’s voicemail system, trying to decide whether she should press 4 because she has cancer but doesn’t think she should pay for it or press 6 because her mother visited and now her arse hurts. Colm arrives just as she puts the phone down in disgust because she accidentally oprima-ed el 8 para español and now has to hang up and start all over again. And speaking of pains in the arse, just then Bloody Peatsaí arrives carrying all his suitcases, which surprises all of us, including Mo, because we’d all just assumed he’d died off-camera. It turns out he’s just been stuck at JFK due to weather delays since March of last year, but on the plus side, Aer Lingus let him have the chicken and the fish as compensation. She and Colm look distressed, because of course they just got rid of one familial hanger-on, and now this. I hope Bloody Peatsaí is having an affair with Aidan, too!
Back at Gaudi, Gráinne and David call Pádraig over to their table to tell him they can’t afford to move out after all, and also that they found a banana peel in their paella. He’s annoyed and sulks off in a strop even when they offer to stick to their arrangement and let him move into the larger room. You know what would make a nice housewarming gift? A cactus!
At the B&B, Mack is leaning against the counter smirking while Niall is on his knees scrubbing crayon off the kitchen door. Well, this is what happens when you leave Mack unattended with a box of Crayolas. Niall fumes that he only turned his back on Liam Óg for a minute, and then Mack helpfully points out that he smells something burning, but can’t be bothered to turn his head and see it’s a frying pan full of…I’m going to say sautéed onions that Niall was making for Liam Óg’s lunch. Mack continues smirking as Niall narrates that parenthood is a lot harder than he imagined, pausing his sad story briefly to throw up in the sink at the thought of changing nappies. If he thinks that’s bad, wait till he sees where Liam Óg had a wee. He sadly says the only way to keep Liam Óg happy is to let him watch cartoons, but Mack helpfully points out that he himself has watched 14 hours of cartoons per day every day since age 2 and it hasn’t done him any harm. Niall goes off to sob quietly in the corner, and Mack goes to fight with Liam Óg over the remote, because it’s time for Scooby-Doo.
At Gaudi, Mo and Uncle Pest are eating what appear to be bowls of basil when Adam arrives to tell her he’s having trouble with Cóilí Jackie and needs her help. She reminds him that even though they’re neighbors, Cóilí Jackie won’t listen to her, especially since he still halfway believes she killed his dog last season. Once Uncle Pest gets over his surprise that Cóilí Jackie hasn’t been killed in a tractor or prostitute accident of some kind, he motions for Adam to sit down, because he’s been back in Ros na Rún for 8 minutes without getting in a fight, and in Peatsaí’s world, that’s about 7 minutes too long.
Back at Gaudi, Bloody Peatsaí and Adam are concocting a crime spree that will consist of stealing the fertilizer back from Cóilí Jackie even though they don’t know his claim that he already spread it around is a lie yet. Mo can’t believe Peatsaí has only been back from wherever he was for five minutes and he’s already a criminal, so he has to explain that spending twelve hours at JFK Airport eating $14 slices of cold pizza really hardens a man. Mo warns them that this is a bad idea because Cóilí Jackie has a gun, and the last thing we need is for David to get shot in the penis with it again.
After the break, during which we all Google what meningitis looks like to see if maybe we have it, too, we have a quick shot of David and Gráinne grimly packing their things to move across the hall. We then return to the B&B, where it seems Nurse Bobbi-Lee has administered a Boots Home Meningitis Test to Liam Óg and determined that the red spot on his arm is actually strawberry jam. She then leans in and does her best Mae West impression about 2 inches from Niall’s face, discussing snuggling and beard rash and how bendy she is, but before we have to turn the hose on them, they remember that they are in the middle of a medical emergency and conclude that Leroy Beag or whatever his name is probably just has cartoon-induced heat rash from being irradiated by the TV all day. She flirts with Niall some more, and it’s nice because it looks like he may actually be into it, as opposed to all the embarrassing one-way flirting Bobbi-Lee is so often involved in.
Over at Gaudi, Pádraig is banging on to Katy about how unfair it is that Gráinne and David have decided not to move out after all, because he’d promised Sam he could start staying in Bedroom #2 when he comes to visit, but now he’s being demoted to one of the other 5 bedrooms in their infinitely expandable house. He asks her if he’s being selfish, and hilariously she immediately makes it all about herself by replying, “At least you have friends and a house!” He makes the mistake of asking her what’s wrong, which means that the next time we see them, she’ll be talking about something Dee did at her 7th birthday party and he’ll be a cobweb-covered skeleton.
Back at Gaudi, winter has turned to spring and Katy concludes her story by announcing that Dee had diarrhea at Tayto Park when she was twelve, and also that Jason doesn’t love Jay. Pádraig disagrees with her, and so she says that OK, then Jason strongly prefers Cuán, and we’re all wondering at what point during this discussion Pádraig will realize he’s not sure which one is Cuán and which one is Jay and whether it will make any difference to how he proceeds conversationally anyway. Eventually they seem to settle on the idea that Jason prefers Cuán and Katy prefers Jay, but since no parent really loves all their children equally, as long as they each like one of them, it’ll be fine.
At a table, Dee has shifted into lawyer mode, explaining that while she would be more interested in Mo’s situation if she were a sex trafficker of some kind, she still thinks she’s got a strong case and could sue the insurance company if she wants to. She says she’ll need to see the documents, of course, and also read the Wikipedia on Irish healthcare law, but in the meantime, she advises Mo to keep detailed records of everyone she speaks to and what they say and to remember that if she feels backed into a corner, she can always blow up the hospital. That last part is implied.
At the pub, Niall is flirting with Bobbi-Lee, thanking her for not letting him make a fool out of himself by taking Liam Óg to A&E to have jam washed off his arm. He volunteers that she should have been a nurse—hey, if we’re pretending, she could’ve just as easily been an imaginary doctor!—but Tadhg interrupts to say she should’ve been a nun instead, preferably in one of those enclosed orders. Hee. It’s nice to see a bit of the old Tadhg coming back. She replies that she couldn’t have been a nun since she had a daughter, and then he takes the good-natured teasing about eleven steps too far by exclaiming, “I forgot! Mother of the Year!” before wandering off. Ouch. Niall notices that this has clearly hurt Bobbi-Lee, so he tries to lighten the mood by exclaiming brightly that he didn’t know she had a daughter, at which point she sadly tells him she did, but she was killed in an accident. This just keeps getting grimmer and grimmer. He apologizes, and then asks, “So, Cuán is your…?”, and I’m not sure how any of this led him to posit that there’s a connection of any kind between Bobbi-Lee and Cuán, but OK. He furrows his brow and says there’s one thing he doesn’t understand, which is: How can Bobbi-Lee be a grandmother when she’s so young? Ooh, here we go!
Katy arrives upstairs, causing Jason to slam his laptop shut. That’s what I call “the porn slam.” Amazingly, instead of starting up another fight over the weather or the price of milk or whatever, Katy apologizes for accusing him of not loving Jay earlier, explaining that she’s been very stressed out with Brexit and the new families on Gogglebox and so on, but she still shouldn’t have taken it out on him. Jason asks her to take Cuán, who is contorted in a knot on the couch in the background, down to the car, and he’ll meet them there in a minute. Of course the parked car is where they usually put the children to sleep, but it seems this time they are actually going somewhere, such as “away forever.” The best part of this scene is when, in response to Katy asking if he’s got his teddies, Cuán proudly shows them off, and it turns out they’re a Tigger and a slightly smaller Tigger. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. They disappear, and then when Jason opens his laptop we see that, disappointingly, he was not looking at some kind of super-weird porn, but instead placing an order for a DNA paternity test. We will ignore the fact that the clock in the bottom corner of his screen tells us that this was filmed on December 4 and instead concentrate on the important part, which is that we hope this is some kind of DNA test in which everybody pees on a stick that Jason can then leave on the kitchen table or at the top of the bin for Katy to discover and then go berserk.