Over at the café, intermittent hoodlums Sorcha and Adam are celebrating the fact that she has completed her extensive health and safety training and been certified by the EU to start pumping gas today. I hope there is money in the special effects budget for the inevitable fiery explosion we get when she flicks her lit cigarette at a puddle of spilled gasoline to “burn it off.” Cóilí Jackie arrives and she starts haranguing him because he is dressed inappropriately (i.e., the exact same way he is always dressed) for his court date today, and he pahs and bahs that he’s not going because they’ll fine him either way, and also he’s curious whether failure to appear is a misdemeanor or a felony or what.
Back at one of the many Daly-occupied residences springing up around town, Mack is reading the photo caption out loud to Dee and John Joe, even the hard words with fadas on them and five silent letters in a row. John Joe asks Dee if Katy’s said anything to her to indicate she knew about this, and Dee says no, but speculates that perhaps this is why Katy’s been in a bad mood lately. I’m not sure how you tell with Katy, but OK. Mack says he’s sure Katy doesn’t know or else there would have been a lot more tearful screaming around here, and just then she walks in, causing them to act totally non-suspiciously by standing side by side and greeting her in unison, as if the teacher has walked in just as they all lit their cigarettes. She complains about this and that for a while before noticing that they are all silent and standing completely still in hopes she will think they are mannequins and will go away, and when she asks them what’s going on, they all look at each other nervously and try to figure out which one she will be able to catch if they start running: the one who just had a triple bypass, the one who was on crutches for the past eight months, or the pregnant one.
Back at the café, Sorcha is fretting to her new BFF Adam that she’s worried the judge will punish Cóilí Jackie more severely if he doesn’t show up to court, but Adam replies that he has trouble feeling sorry for him considering he brought all this on himself by dumping all that manure on that orphan or whatever. Who can remember? She starts banging on about poor Cóilí this and pitiful Jackie that, and then Adam helpfully points out that Cóilí Jackie actually has had a hard time of it lately, especially the bit where Sorcha slammed his head into a table and ran away with all his money while he bled out on the floor. He walks out as she sighs heavily and rolls her eyes, and this definitely seems like a solid friendship that will last through good times and bad, by which I mean approximately four minutes.
Chez Daly, Katy is looking at Who’s That? magazine and sadly offers that, since they’re not together anymore, Jason is free to date anyone he wants, even some probable skank from Cork. Mack carries on some more about how Jason should have told her about it, so Dee drags him out of the house before he makes things any worse, leaving John Joe to tell Katy that perhaps this is for the best because now she can get on with her life. To everyone’s surprise, she does not scream at him, “I am getting on with my life, asshole!” like we all expect her to, showing that she is clearly rattled by this and not herself at all given that we have seen her scream at people and call them assholes for asking what the salad dressing choices are. She declares grimly that she deserves this, because what goes around comes around, and the double-glazed look in her eyes suggest that we may be heading into a “Katy’s Descent Into Madness” storyline.
Laoise, whom we had kind of forgotten existed, arrives at the elephant sanctuary or wherever Adam works and tells him that Micheál won’t be in today because he’s gone to Réailtín’s school play. After taking a second to remember who Réailtín is, Adam starts complaining that he’s rushed off his feet, as demonstrated by the fact that he is attached to the counter by cobwebs, and also that he needs someone to cover for him while he goes to the bank to deposit yesterday’s takings, minus the 80 percent he skimmed off the top. (Sadly, I am making up that last part, though we all know that old, fun Adam totally would have done it.) Laoise’s response is basically, “Sucks to be you,” which is really her response to everything, and then she and her comedy basket of vegetables wander off just as Sorcha arrives to report that she’s spoken to the court and, shockingly, they agree that it will hurt his case if Cóilí Jackie fails to appear. Because Sorcha is his best friend, at least for the next thirty seconds, Adam keeps the eye-rolling to a minimum and also refrains from telling her he could not possibly give less of a shit about Cóilí Jackie, instead volunteering that she should go talk to Frances, the only person around here CJ pays any attention to. Yes, she has years of experience dealing with rude old cranks. She loves everything about this plan and just wants to make one tweak to it, which is that Adam go talk to Frances while she keeps an eye on Keane’s from her post at the gas station across town. He argues that he can’t go because he’s flat out, what with the zero customers we have seen there all day, but eventually he agrees and wanders off. Well, there’s no way this is going to end badly.
Back at the café, Berni is in a foul mood over Tony writing her another ticket for parking her car in a cemetery, and it doesn’t help when Mack gives her the awesome advice that she “should sort this out.” I should see if Mack accepts my insurance, because I have been looking for a therapist. Briain interrupts by handing Berni her phone and saying she needs to call Bobbi Lee back, and then she snaps at him for violating her privacy by answering her phone even though he could clearly see it was only Bobbi Lee calling, not the gonorrhea clinic or whatever. You sure you want her back, Tony?
Adam returns to the gas pumps to tell Sorcha that Frances has talked Cóilí Jackie into going to court after all, much to the relief of all of us who had lit candles and organized prayer vigils for him. He asks if anyone came into the ice cream parlor or wherever he works, which Sorcha has clearly forgotten she was supposed to be paying attention to, so she vaguely burbles that she didn’t see anyone, mostly because she wasn’t looking.
Back at whatever manner of business Keane’s is, Pádraig is buying a box of celery and he and Adam share a laugh about how bitches be crazy and so on, but unlike when all the other men on this show have these conversations, these two are gay, so there is an added element of “but we love them because they went to our proms with us.” Just then, Adam looks under the counter and notices the giant bag of money he’d been planning to take to the bank is missing, and when Pádraig protests that, well, he didn’t take it, Adam grinds his teeth so hard sparks fly out and hisses, “No, you didn’t, but I know who did!” Oh, thank goodness, Adam hasn’t gotten fired in a couple of weeks and it was making me very anxious.
After the break, during which an angry TG4 robot with rollercoasters for arms pollutes the ocean by throwing motorhomes in it, Tony and Berni are arguing again, this time over a tip. This is why it is always important for both parties to clarify the meaning of “just the tip” before proceeding. There is back-and-forthing, and when Tony says she sounds like she wants to forget their relationship ever happened—as do we all—she protests that they were only together for two seconds, which is barely half the duration of most of her relationships. Of course, most of Tony’s life consists of shooing cows out of the road, so two seconds with Berni is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to him and he is very invested in it, so he does not seem to appreciate her dismissing it as just one of the many things that has happened to her recently, such as brushing her hair or putting out the many fires Bobbi Lee has started while trying to make toast.
Fortunately for him, our local Garda Tony is sitting just outside in his patrol car, possibly because he has locked himself inside it and can’t get out. He’s looking sadly at the engagement ring he tried to give Berni, which he has apparently been carrying around in the glove compartment all this time just like whichever other engagement ring somebody on this show carried around in his car for ages until he had the opportunity to accuse David of stealing it. Anyone else remember this? Fortunately, a call comes in on his radio before he has the chance to accidentally swallow it or get it stuck up his nose, and it’s one of his fellow officers, informing him that longtime no-goodnik Adam Mac Donnacha has reported a robbery in Ros na Rún. Finally, that hostage scenario/police shootout we’ve been waiting for!
Apropos of nothing, Dee mentions that she’s heard that Jason’s new girlfriend is a member of something called the Sea Cruising Services, which I do not seem to be able to find any mention of online but which I am pretty sure is that Scientology boat that goes around kidnapping people. Niall mentions that he was a member of the Sea Cruising Services back in Donegal, where people frequently fall out of boats I guess, and then says that maybe he should get back into it. He asks Bobbi Lee if she’d be interested in signing up with him, which of course she is not, because the last time she ventured out into nature with Niall she came back with a giant poo stripe down the back of her white jeans. (In case you missed that one, I will clarify that the poo was not hers.) I have no idea what any of this is about, but I am going to assume it is some kind of volunteer coast guard which may also be part of the Church of Scientology, and that it is being introduced here so we can have a rescue-at-sea storyline in the season finale.
Back at the pub, we see Tadhg quietly calling Malachaí and saying he needs to make an appointment to see him, but we will have to wait until another time to find out what it’s about, because then we are quickly back out in the street, where Tony is lying in wait for Berni and springs out of his police car like a jack-in-the-box as she walks past. It would have been awesome if she’d been so startled she’d spun around and karate chopped him in the windpipe, but alas, all she does is roll her eyes at him and purse her lips so hard it sucks his eyebrows off. He hands her a slip of paper, which he proudly announces is a bill for all the money he spent on her while they were together: €479. I cannot believe there is not, like, an “and thirty-three cents” tacked onto the end of this. Berni cannot believe the bullshittery she is being exposed to right now, but is so desperate to put an end to it that she whips out her checkbook, pulls aside Briain, who happens to be walking by on his way to blast his quads or whatever, and spins him around to use his back as a flat surface to write Tony a check. Well, this is why I always keep a man around who has lats like a drafting table. (The one with glutes of steel is just for fun.) Briain is confused, which is the default state of affairs in any relationship with Berni, and then she shoves a check for €500 at Tony. He slinks off, and then Briain hands Berni her phone, which she left somewhere earlier in the day, and she notices she has five missed calls from her mother. Oh, dear. I’m not sure which is worse, picking up your phone to find five missed calls from your mother or five missed calls from the person who has been stalking you with a machete. At this, she yells at Briain for not answering her phone, unlike fifteen minutes ago, when she was yelling at him because he did answer it. Briain, blink twice if you need us to call Family Services.
Elsewhere in the street, where all the best fights are taking place today, Adam is attempting to apologize to Sorcha, but she tells him to go to hell. His explanation is that, you know, she’s a thieving thief who thieves, so…. He’s got you there, Sorch. We expect her to reach across and pull his bottom lip up over his head, but surprisingly she instead crumples and, dropping all her usual bravado, admits that what she did was terrible, and then she made things worse by dragging him into it, but that she’s truly sorry for all of it. He pulls her in and gives her a giant hug, and it seems all is well between the two of them again, at least until the next time they see each other or until Fia comes back and he dumps Sorcha like a hot potato, whichever comes first.
Outside, Berni runs into Briain, who seems to be spending the day walking up and down the block waiting to be pounced on with some kind of Berni-related abusive nonsense. She’s just gotten off the phone with her mother and is pleased to report that everything is fine, and that in fact her mother doesn’t even remember why she was calling. I am not sure an elderly parent calling five times in one hour and then immediately forgetting why she did it is exactly an “all clear,” but I guess we will cross that Alzheimer’s/dementia bridge when we come to it. Briain, however, having been yanked around by Berni all day, rolls his eyes and tries to walk off, but she grabs him and starts semi-apologizing in her usual manner, which involves whingeing endlessly about how downtrodden she is, but he snits off. Go, Briain!
A breathless Katy arrives home and finds the stereo is blasting for some reason, and to make matters worse, is on Women On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown FM. She turns it off frantically, and then she develops super-hearing of the type people who are going crazy on TV often get. She hears footsteps, and water dripping in Derry, and a group of banshees flying down the street screaming, and a spider farting, and then the camera starts spinning around her, which we’re sure is not helping, either. This goes on for about 11 minutes, during which she does not blink and her eyes widen to an astonishing 0.3 MegaDees, and when the inevitable car alarm starts going off, she madly grabs two fistfuls of her hair and slumps across the counter. Well, everybody who chose Katy in the “Which Daly sister will completely lose it first?” pool, YOU WIN!