At the café, Tadhg is complaining to Berni about the broken thermometer he found in his pancake when in walks Bobbi Lee, who has returned early from her cruise to bring meaning to our lives. Hurrah! She reports that the drunk Americans on the ship really enjoyed her Country & Western stylings, especially her medley of songs from Titanic, The Poseidon Adventure, and various folk ballads about women widowed by the sea, such as, “Man! I Feel Like a Widow!” Tadhg insults her for a while before wandering away, and then she notes that she really missed Niall while she was away and is SURE he missed her, too. Berni, realizing she doesn’t have all the facts and that this is none of her business anyway, welcomes Bobbi Lee home with a hug and a free scone. Ha ha! Of course I am kidding. She actually tells Bobbi Lee ominously that they need to go upstairs for a devastating chat about how all men are pigs, but mostly Niall. With friends like Berni, who needs enemies?
Over at wherever they’re living now, Dee is marveling over how fetching Mack looks in his suit, and we have to admit he is pretty dashing and will clearly be the hottest attendee at whatever funeral he’s going to. Possibly Pádraig’s, whom we have not seen in a suspiciously long time. She asks if he’s driving a celebrity today, which is always a possibility given that in recent years Ros na Rún has been visited by prominent celebrities such as moi, that country singer Darryl O’Darryl, and Gordon Ramsay’s father. He clarifies that he’s dressed up to go to the bank to ask for a loan for a new van. You may recall that what’s actually going on here is that he’s giving a presentation today for the business course he is taking but is keeping a secret from Dee so she will think he is riding Katy at all times. Dee seems completely unconcerned that he’s taking out a car loan without having discussed it with her at all, which as a married person myself I can tell you SEEMS TOTALLY BELIEVABLE TO ME, THAT’S FOR SURE. She wishes him good luck and then reminds him that she’s going to ask Katy about moving in “here” permanently, wherever “here” is, and even Mack is having trouble keeping up with what’s going on in this house-switching plotline at this point. We hope it’s leading to hilarious hijinks, such as Dee burying Mack’s torso in one of her two houses and forgetting which one.
Back at their place, Berni tells Bobbi Lee that Niall chose to move out so he could go shack up with Vanessa at the B&B, conveniently leaving out the part where she asked him to leave so she could be reverse-cowgirling Tony and/or Briain in the sitting room at all times. It’s possible I’m having trouble keeping up with all the comings and goings, which I attribute to my interest being less piqued when Bobbi Lee disappears for too long. Anyway, Bobbi Lee retorts that she spoke to Niall every day from the ship, at least until a seagull flew off with her cell phone on day 3, and that he didn’t mention anything about floozing around with this Vanessa person. Furthermore, she argues, she’d know if Niall were cheating on her because she has heard every George Jones song ever and therefore knows all men’s rascally tricks. Berni replies, “Well, don’t come crying to me when this blows up in your face,” once again demonstrating what a good friend she is, and Bobbi Lee brightly bounces off to apply a light sheen of the “Princess by Letitia Dean” perfume she bought at duty free, but she looks worried. Well, thank heavens Bobbi Lee always demonstrates impeccable judgment or else we’d be concerned about what might happen next.
Out in the street, Niall and Dee are talking about something or another, but we’re distracted because an extra walks past who looks alarmingly like Maggie, who you may recall was last seen being dead. Anyway, Niall is asking Dee for romantic advice for some reason, presumably because Áine and Réailtín were unavailable. He wonders if women like being met at the airport with flowers, and as someone who has made the trek from the Dublin airport to Spiddal in the recent past, I would volunteer that women would probably be happy just not to have to take two buses and a taxi. Dee is vaguely semi-helpful in a very Dee way for about half a millisecond, but then spots Mack and Katy sneaking into his car together and then speeding away laughing conspiratorially. Clearly no longer paying attention to poor Niall, she concludes that she’s sure Labhrás would love to be met at the Texaco with a stack of Spider-Man comics or whatever, so Niall gives up and wanders off. This is why you should never ask Dee anything ever.
Meanwhile, over at a table, Niall has asked Vanessa about Operation: Meet Bobbi Lee At The Bus Stop With Flowers, and she’s gently teasing him about how smitten he is. Their relationship is actually very sweet, especially in this scene, but she is touching his hand unnecessarily a lot, which of course Bobbi Lee gets a good hard look at when she pops her head in the door. She looks stricken and storms off in tears, and OH MY GOD if Bobbi Lee’s first healthy relationship in at least 3 years gets ruined because of bloody Berni I swear I am going to kick her arse back to the remote island of Themyscira where she bloody comes from.
Across town, Boris Jr. and Natasha II, in the form of Caitríona and Tommy, are celebrating his successful installation of the secret spycam at the radio station, by which I mean he is trying to extort extra money out of her while she tells him to get lost. Amazingly, he manages to outsmart her and collect twice the fee he originally quoted, although it’s also possible she is just handing him money to make him go away. He oozes away and she smiles triumphantly at the image of the office that now fills her laptop screen, because as everyone knows, there are few media more suitable for sitting around watching all day than radio.
After the break, we return immediately to watching poor Niall’s heart break in slow motion. You may not have noticed, but it’s only when something very meaningful is happening that we return from the commercial break immediately to the scene we just left. Nine times out of ten, when we come back from the adverts we get routed through a scene of Máire baking a cake or David and Gráinne trying to figure out how salad tongs work before we get back to the thing we care about. I’m blathering nervously because I do not want to talk about the tragic mess that’s about to happen. Niall is in shock, and Bobbi Lee brightly lies that she met an, errr, musician on the ship whose name is, umm, Randy! Randy McSexytime! Bobbi Lee’s lies are always a bit on the nose, which makes me think she should take lessons from Mack, who would’ve included a handful of magic beans and at least two cows in the road in this story.
Anyway, it seems Randy McSexytime is from Tennessee, which is the only American state Bobbi Lee can name, and they fell in love while waltzing. As someone who once lived in Tennessee, I should point out that it would be much more likely that they’d fall in love while being run over by a car with a missing door and no working headlights driven by a smoking toddler with no insurance. Niall desperately tries to tell her that sharing a dance isn’t a big deal, but she says that TRUST IS VERY IMPORTANT and that PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE RESPECT FOR EACH OTHER, even when one of them has left the country. Niall is too stunned and devastated to realize that this is all rhetorically very confusing, even by Bobbi Lee’s standards, so when she asks him to leave so she can finish packing, he does. NOOOOOOOOO!
Meanwhile, over at the House of Sleaze, it seems Jennifer, who you may recall Fiach claimed was too ill from chemo to leave the house earlier in the episode, has made a miraculous recovery and gone out for the evening, leaving Fiach and Mo alone. It’s also possible that Fiach has killed Jennifer, and while we would normally be opposed to matricide, in this case we will make an exception. Anyway, Mo has brought over a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, or, as I like to call it, “piss,” but then finds it’s disgusting, much like the general tone of this scene. Fiach offers to pour her a glass of “the real stuff,” which he’s conveniently holding while standing three inches away from her face, and which is probably only about 40 percent roofie. Run, Mo, run!
A cheerful Berni returns home after a long day of life ruining and is surprised to find Bobbi Lee grimly packing her suitcase. If she’s sad now, wait till she finds out she’s flying Ryanair. She explains that Berni was right about Niall and Vanessa’s carrying on, having seen it with her own eyes in the café, and then apologizes for having doubted Berni’s giant load of crap earlier. Bobbi Lee gets Stockholm syndrome very easily. Berni, who seems genuinely sad about the thought of Bobbi Lee leaving, tries to talk her out of it, arguing that Ros na Rún is her home now and that she shouldn’t give Niall the satisfaction of running her off, but she says her mind is made up: she’s leaving on the midnight train to Georgia. Woo woo!
Back in this year’s house of horrors, which I fully expect to see in ruins and occupied by Pól, Fia, and three of the Happy Mondays by the end of the season, Mo is still wondering where Jennifer is. Fiach assures her that she’s having the time of her life hang-gliding over Tayto Park or whatever and that the important thing is that Mo should finish this bottle of wine and then swallow these pills he found on the floor. That last part is implied. The topic turns to Colm as Mo points out that she didn’t appreciate him telling her she shouldn’t be friends with Fiach, but on the other hand, she admits ignoring his calls all day and cutting his brake lines was probably childish on her part. Fiach’s helpful response is that Colm is terrible and probably a sex offender, and that if Mo knows what’s good for her, she’ll drink another gallon of wine while gazing deeply into his beard. She agrees, and the only thing that is making this horror show bearable is that Mo is wearing her gorgeous Spanish lady earrings that she puts on for special occasions, such as—hopefully—breaking a dining room table in half with Fiach’s face in a few minutes.
Things have moved to the sofa over at Fiach’s, but he’s annoyed that Mo is talking about Colm instead of making out with him. Hilariously, Mo says—apparently sincerely—“Would you believe that Caitríona is terrible to work for?”, as if this would come as a surprise to anyone who has ever met Caitríona. Fiach reminds her that Colm is terrible, what with his almost-kissing-Sonia behind Mo’s back and all, and then shoots himself in the foot by bragging that if he hadn’t insisted Sonia tell Mo about the near-kiss, she never would’ve found out about it. Fortunately this heralds the return of the Super-Mo we all love, as she realizes that Fiach has orchestrated this entire thing to try to break her and Colm up, just as Colm has been trying to tell her all along. He tries to stammer his way out of it, and she bats him around like a cat with its prey for a while before going in for the kill, which, sadly, is not literal. She storms out, wishing him a good evening, but we are pretty sure she does not actually care whether the rest of his oíche is maith or not.
Niall is propping up the bar at Gaudi when Mack appears, putting his arm around Katy and saying his presentation was sound and mighty and so on, even the part where a squirrel stole his index cards. Of course Dee walks in while he’s looking very chummy with Katy, and when she asks if he got the loan, he replies evasively that he doesn’t know yet because there is paperwork to fill out and the bank burned down and there was a cow and so on. She tries to get him or Katy to confess that they were together with some light entrapment, but neither of them falls for it, so they go off in opposite directions, leaving Niall to tell Mack that Bobbi Lee has left him for another man. Mack charitably chalks this up to how bitches be crazy, especially Bobbi Lee, but Niall says he’s madly in love with her and would gladly forget all about this little fling if they could just be together again. Mack, to his credit, changes his tune and says that Niall should go after her, then, before it’s too late. Oh, God, if Niall and Bobbi Lee don’t get back together by the end of this episode, I am marching over to Tennessee, finding Randy McSexytime, and giving him a piece of my mind!
Mo tracks Colm down in the street outside the pub and admits he was right about Fiach: he’s a big creep who’s been trying to manipulate her back into his life ever since he came back from Canada or whatever other imaginary place he has been. She thought she knew him better than that, she explains, but now she realizes she should’ve trusted Colm more, because he’s always been there for her, through cancer and Úna and Dee and all sorts of other trying times. She tells him he’s the best scaffold she’s ever had, and while he’s initially confused by the metaphor, she tells him she hopes he’ll be the scaffold that props her up for the rest of her life, and it’s really much sweeter than it probably sounds here. He says if he didn’t know better he’d think this was a proposal, and she says it is, and then asks him to marry her. He says yes, and they kiss, and then the camera pulls up and away, leaving us with a gorgeous shot of the two lovers walking off into the Ros na Rún night. Awww! I love this show.