Garbage Vodka, A Sexy Worm Attack, and Oh Yeah, A Murder

Season 20, Episode 82

First aired 7 June 2016

We’re back! As you may or may not have noticed, Ros na Recaps has been on a little break for the past 3 weeks while I was away at advanced recapping academy, i.e., on vacation in the South Pacific. Originally I had great plans to catch up on the 4 episodes I missed when I got back, but that was overly ambitious, and then I missed 2 more, so I’ll recap the highlights of those 6 episodes here:

• Andy and Bobbi-Lee are doing it, ewwww.
• Máire swooned and threatened to faint a lot.
• Fia moved out and got her own place, which we assume she is paying for using the money she earns … uhh … hmm … well, Fia unceremoniously went away, and that’s the important thing.
• Mo punched Andy in the face and again in the stomach, and it was glorious, and I called her MOhammad Ali on Twitter, and then he died two days later, so we will consider it a preemptive tribute.
• Long-lost Uncle Peatsai, whose name is hard to type and therefore I am going to call Uncle Pest, returned from across the pond to stake his claim to Mo’s new house, so now they are Odd Couple-ing it up. Also, he came back from America with a wardrobe consisting entirely of Hawaiian shirts, because that is what we all wear here all the time.
• Andy decided John Joe was getting too cozy with Bobbi-Lee and jumped him from behind at the petrol station or hardware store or chip van or wherever John Joe works.
• Best of all, Gráinne’s boyfriend showed up, and he was, hilariously, David Mk 2. It was like she was shopping at Amazon.com and put David in her basket, and it pointed out that other shoppers who bought David also bought Other David, so she should, too. Eventually she broke up with Other David and he went back where he came from, but on the plus side, she kept the streak going of women on this show who move to faraway places and then manage to hook up with the only Irish-speaking man there (Australia, London, Venus, etc).

OK, now for today’s episode, which is a corker! We open with Bobbi-Lee and Andy discussing ways they can get the money to pay for the miraculous cure for African Hydraulic Fever he heard about, which is only available in Las Vegas, which as we all know is a hotbed of cutting-edge medical research. Also, you can smoke while being operated on and your loved ones can play blackjack in the waiting room. As you may recall, Bobbi-Lee is intrigued by this scam scheme, which of course she hasn’t asked any questions about or investigated at all, because she stupidly wants Andy to get better and also figures Vegas has always been her destiny anyway. It really is a good match for her, given that Nevada’s state flag is cheetah print with rhinestones. Anyway, she suggests they ask Berni for the money, but he mock protests that he’s caused Berni enough problems over the years already, and anyway, she hasn’t received Cathal’s inheritance yet, so it’s a bit premature to decide how they’re going to murder her right now. I mean, ask her for money. After Bobbi-Lee leaves to go to stare into space and insult the customers at one of her jobs, Andy gets a phone call, and tells the person on the other end that he can’t talk right now, but that he’ll go murder meet him/her later this afternoon.

Ros na Rún recaps on holiday!

Dia duit! I'm on vacation in Hawaii and French Polynesia (!!) for 2 weeks. The Internet here isn't fast enough for streaming video, so I can't watch RnaR, and even if I could, I doubt I'd then recap it anyway! I'll get caught up when I return June 1. Just wanted to let you all know that the recaps will be back soon! GRMA and slán, or as they say in Tahitian, māuruuru roa and nana!

David v Everyone

Season 20, Episode 75

First aired 12 May 2016

This episode’s conflict is set up immediately, as David sees Berni helping Andy down the street and into a car. I sense a karate-ing in Andy’s future, because David does not look happy. His angry face looks a lot like his confused face, except his eyebrows are at a slightly more severe angle.

Frances runs into Pádraig in the shop and schedules another driving lesson with him, and then mentions that she’s surprised he’s not in the restaurant given that Francis Brennan is over there. Really, Frances? You start out talking about driving lessons and then bring up the TV star? I think that’s what’s called “burying the lead.”

And now: Francis Brennan! Whom I had never heard of, and assumed was someone the show had made up! But then I did some Googling and discovered that he is, in fact, only semi-fictitious, and that having him in one’s restaurant would be a cause for some excitement, because it turns out that “Francis Brennan” is Irish for “Gordon Ramsay.” Except with less screaming and punching, I would guess. Anyway, he’s at Gaudi, using his limited Irish to read the menu, when Bobbi-Lee, whose fame radar (fadar?) has been going off al morning, affixes herself to his arm, at least until Pádraig arrives and literally shoves her out of the way. Jason appears, too, and they’re all speaking English, and it’s complete cognitive dissonance for me, because while I of course intellectually know they all speak English, it still feels completely magical, and like a big secret has been revealed. It’s as if Peadar suddenly entered a scene on roller skates juggling flaming knives. I am completely aware this is my own ridiculousness, by the way, so please don’t send angry emails in Irish, because unless they are about colors and types of shops, I won’t understand them anyway.

Suspicious Minds

Season 20, Episode 74

First aired 10 May 2016

We open today’s saga of betrayal, lies, and Gráinne out in the street, where Bobbi-Lee is enjoying a lovely Berni-free morning until you-know-who shows up and spoils it. It seems Bobbi-Lee is now working in the café to pay off that li’l ol’ €3000 credit card misunderstanding, and she’s now 20 minutes late, which by Bobbi-Lee’s standards constitutes being early, so I’m not sure what Berni is so bent out of shape about. Bobbi-Lee has been trying to reach Andy by phone for the past 4 days, and is worried that he’s fallen somewhere, such as down a well or under a bus, but loving sister Berni doubts it, orders her to go clean the toilets, and then looks extremely pleased with herself. I am pretty sure “Berni” is Irish for “Mother Teresa.”

At home, Mo stumbles over a suitcase, and is probably terrified that Katy has moved back in, but then Mack appears with Gráinne in tow! And I love Gráinne, although it’s a good thing the episode description on tg4.ie spoiled her return or else I might not have recognized her, at least not until she started talking.

Back in the elite and exciting world of children’s football, Tadhg reports to Frances and Pádraig that Áine’s team keeps losing, and it’s clear that Three-Toed McGillicuddy or whatever his name is isn’t working out as the coach. They’d better find a solution fast, because when Áine and Réailtín get angry, they get stabby, or at least shoplifty. Frances decides she and Pádraig should take Áine with them on today’s driving lesson, and I’m not a parent, but if I were, I’m sure I would think it was a great idea to let my small child ride around in a car with an unlicensed motorist who’s failed his driving test six times.

The One Where Everybody Was On A Break

Season 20, Episode 73

First aired 5 May 2016

It’s the morning after the night before, and a disheveled Katy is hiding from Mo, which consists of semi-crouching in the middle of the room and hoping for the best. It works, and as Mo wanders away, Katy grabs her shoes and giant fur-lined anorak and dashes out the door.

Bobbi-Lee is kissing up to Berni with croissants and tea and naked Hugh Jackman on a platter, thanks her for not throwing her out, and promises to pay back every cent of the money she stole, but Berni interrupts her to bitch and moan and criticize, and it’s going to be a long day for Bobbi-Lee. Berni spits that she saw Bobbi-Lee in the street with Andy, and therefore Bobbi-Lee is no longer welcome in her house. Scram, blondie!

Mack and his hangover are staggering around the house when Mo bursts in, shouting for headache-inducing effect, and assumes Mack was up all night drinking with Dee. He doesn’t correct her, but during his archaeological dig of the living room he finds his mobile and sees that he has a missed call from Jason. Maybe he’s calling to ask if Mack will do him a big favor and fertilize Katy’s eggs for him.

Bern, Baby, Bern

Season 20, Episode 72

First aired 3 May 2016

We open at Gaudi where Berni is haughtily treating a waitress like crap because the machine keeps rejecting her card. Oh, things are finally going to go down with this storyline! Katy and Pádraig enter the dining room squabbling, because that’s what they do now. She’s insistent that Jason doesn’t want to marry her, but Pádraig, in full meddling mode, explains that Jason is clearly going to propose at any second because he’s been acting strange lately, and also talked to a priest, Q.E.D. It's airtight logic if I've ever heard it.

In the shop, Jason is wearing a knit cap pulled down past his chin, like Dumb Donald from Fat Albert, and the small part of his jaw we can see looks brooding. John Joe notices he’s carrying an enormous bouquet of flowers, because nothing gets past him, and assumes they must be a gift for Katy, so he uses this opportunity to harass a passing Mack about how he should learn to give Dee nice gifts. Well, Mack is about to give something to one of the Daly sisters, that’s for sure. He complains that he’d treat Dee nicely if he ever saw her, but that she’s so busy with her new case these days that she doesn’t have time for him. We pan over to Máire, who is tut-tutting over a newspaper, and is, as usual, stricken and aggrieved by the world, with its drugs and Kardashians and written communication. Of course, Máire tut-tuts over Garfield and the crossword puzzle, too, so this in itself is nothing new. She starts following Mack around the store trying to suck him into her vortex of misery, but he’s busy doing the thing I absolutely love in scenes at the shop, which is walking along an aisle randomly taking things off the top shelf and putting them in his basket. “Hey, isn’t it convenient that avocados, paper plates, Havarti cheese, tampons, and Smash Hits magazine are side by side on this top shelf, because those are exactly the things I came to the shop for!” She finally thrusts the paper in his face to show him the horror of some local violent crime, and because the avocado/plates/cheese/tampons/Smash Hits aisle is also the light bulb aisle, one lights up over his head and he realizes this is Dee’s new case.

Crouching Bobbi-Lee, Hidden Andy

Season 20, Episode 71

First aired 28 April 2016

Bobbi-Lee, who is Cuán’s mobile daycare center these days, is pushing him in his stroller when she gets a phone call from Andy. She hesitates, and then just as she’s about to answer, Berni appears, so she throws her phone down the sewer and yells that she doesn’t know what a phone is, and even if she did, she sure wouldn’t use it to talk to Andy. Berni is in a lovely sunny mood, which means she must’ve drawn the Happy Lemon card in her tarot reading this morning, so Bobbi-Lee decides now is her best chance to tell her about Andy without being murdered. Berni, upon hearing that Andy has been released from prison, shoots fire out her nostrils and destroys a passing bus with her laser eye beams, so Bobbi-Lee wisely decides not to volunteer the fact that she’s actually seen him. She tells Berni that Suzanne swears Andy is a changed man, which makes Berni scoff, and then adds that he’s apparently dying, which makes Berni grab Fay Wray and climb the Empire State Building. Berni says Andy’s deathbed redemption is a blatant lie and a scam, and warns Bobbi-Lee that she better not believe him “unless she wants a few more black eyes.” Charming. Berni then exits, presumably to go work the domestic abuse helpline, and leaves Bobbi-Lee standing there asking herself again why she ever speaks to her.

Over at the World’s Saddest Holiday Home, meanwhile, Andy is looking through a bag of kids’ clothing that he’s evidently bought for his impending meeting with Cuán, or possibly going through a bag of Lee’s old baby things, or maybe he’s just robbed Mothercare. He looks pleased with himself, anyway.