We have a quick scene of domestic non-bliss between Mo and Colm and then return briefly to Pádraig, who seems to have misplaced Sam. We then check back in on Colm, who’s busy doing the worst job of emptying a bin in the history of the world. His first mistake was thinking the first step of emptying an overflowing bin is to try to shove two additional giant bags of trash into it, and his second was ensuring that none of the bags were tied shut. After the bin finishes doing its inevitable impression of Mt Vesuvius, he starts digging through the rubble and finds the positive pregnancy test. I’m sure my first thought is supposed to be, “Oh my God, he’s going to think Mo is pregnant!”, but that is in fact my second thought, my first one being, “They should take out their trash more often.” I mean, come on, she peed on that stick like three weeks ago.
David and a frantic Pádraig literally run into each other in the street, and when David asks him what’s wrong, he starts in mid-story by shouting, “I thought he was in the room!” David initially looks unsurprised, because this is how many of Pádraig’s dates end, but then he realizes he needs to care about this instance because it’s Sam who’s done a runner this time. Now would’ve been the time to take advantage of having bedroom doors that lock from the outside.
Pádraig returns home in a panic, having looked everywhere for Sam: the men’s department at M&S, the gay bars, Charlie Byrne’s Bookshop…maybe next time they should send David looking for him. Anyway, Sam does not seem to have been in any of those places, and Pádraig is alarmed to hear that David has called the school, who report that Sam isn’t there, either, which is making the bullies restless, and they’re starting to stare menacingly at old Mr O’Connell, the music teacher. School is a complex ecosystem that can be thrown into chaos when a single piece of the food chain disappears.
Back at DavidCare, Pádraig is drumming his fingers on the counter and having a slow-burn nervous breakdown when there’s a knock at the door. It turns out it’s unlikely rescue party Bobbi-Lee, who’s got Sam with her. She truly is a magnet for the gays and their offspring! Pádraig fusses over him as Bobbi-Lee explains that she found him at the bus stop, upset because he didn’t have enough money to go to Galway to see his mom in the hospital. It’s a good thing no bus has ever stopped there in the history of ever. Pádraig exclaims that he checked the bus stop, but Sam says he hid when he saw him coming, because he just CAN. NOT. DEAL. with Pádraig’s drama today. David takes Sam to the sitting room for a nice cup of cold nettle soup and an educational board game, and Bobbi-Lee pulls Pádraig into the kitchen and asks quietly if it’s true that he’s Sam’s father. He nods, leading to a hilarious “Oh Lord!” from Bobbi-Lee, but then he tells her he doesn’t want anyone to find out yet. Of course, last year’s Bobbi-Lee would have already told 26 people in the ten seconds since she found out, but this year’s Bobbi-Lee actually seems to be semi-able to keep a secret sometimes, and I’m not sure whether that’s to demonstrate character growth or just because it’s funnier to watch her improvise wildly to try to cover up a secret. She also seems to have lost the hyphen in her name somewhere along the way, at least in the subtitles, but I’ve typed “Bobbi-Lee” so many times over the years I’m not sure I can get used to “Bobbi Lee.”
After the break, during which we learn that two desperate women trapped in an elevator will resort to Hunger Games-style combat to the death over a Chicken McNugget, we’re at Maggie’s, where she’s throwing a hissy fit over coal or peat or something stupid. Tadhg walks in and asks her what the problem is, and after some hemming and hawing, she eventually says she’s been thinking and has decided that he should give Frances half the pub. Well, this is going to be a test of Tadhg’s eternal love for ol’ Maggie here.
Pádraig is theoretically helping Sam with his math homework at the kitchen table, which consists of him rolling his eyes and sighing, “I just explained that to you!” a lot. Look, Pádraig, you may have known how to add and subtract since your mid-twenties, but it’s new to Sam here, so give him a break. After Pádraig badgers him for a while longer, Sam announces that he wants to go to Helen’s house. Pádraig reminds him that Helen is in Bristol, which is the reason this whole trainwreck is occurring in the first place, and then when he won’t let him go to the hospital to stay with his comatose mother either, Sam spits that he hates being there and hates Pádraig, too, more evidence supporting my theory that Math Ruins Everything.
It seems to be evening, and Bobbi-Lee is at home painting her toenails and yelling at Briain and Berni down the hall to keep it down with their laughing and giggling. I’m sure there are sounds they could be making that would be even less appetizing, so she should be grateful. She’s shocked when the front door opens and Evan appears, because of course he’s supposed to be handcuffed to Charlene’s radiator in Galway right now. He tells her he’s here because he forgot his charger, and she hilariously yells at the top of her lungs over her shoulder, “EVAN! YOU’RE HOME!” He looks at her like she’s insane, and then she shouts, “YOUR CHARGER! IT’S HERE! LOOK!” and gestures wildly, like that time her Cré na Cille audition turned into an audition to be one of Tina Turner’s backup dancers. She tries to hustle him back out the door, but instead he heads down the hall to use the toilet, so she advises him to go use the one at Gaudi instead because of the pong she’s left in this one. Evan is understandably grossed out by the turn this conversation has taken, although not as grossed out as he’s going to be about ten minutes from now. Just then Briain appears in the hallway wearing only a towel, because it’s in his contract that he must take his shirt off at least once a week. A stunned Evan asks him what he and his abs, pecs, and nipples are doing here, so Bobbi-Lee does the only thing she can think of, which is to make the situation worse by grabbing Briain’s various parts and announcing that the two of them are having an affair.
Down the street, Pádraig is trying to make Sam put his pajamas on and go to bed, but Sam informs him that he will not be sleeping in this house and that if Pádraig doesn’t like it he can go play in traffic. Pádraig tries reasoning with him a bit more, but when Sam responds by throwing his pajamas across the room and turning the volume on the TV up to 700, Pádraig snatches the remote from his hand, turns it off, and is basically like, “I realize you hate me and this house, but you have no place else to go and I’m your father, so frankly I don’t care whether you like it or not. You will do what I say, and right now I’m saying ‘Get your little behind in those pajamas and go to bed!’” Sam looks stunned by the sudden emergence of Dark Pádraig, but he also jumps up and runs off to bed, so it seems reason will only get you so far with him and then you have to switch to Plan B, which is screaming. Go, Pádraig!
Back at Sex HQ, Bobbi-Lee has dragged Evan into the kitchen and tells him she realizes all this must be a shock, but that she and Briain tried to resist the all-consuming lust burning between them but it could not be contained, like a forest fire or bedbugs. Evan can’t decide which he’s more disgusted by: the fact that his so-called best friend would sleep with his aunt, or the fact that Bobbi-Lee is old enough to Briain’s mother—nay, grandmother! Of course, this elicits exactly the response from her that you’d expect, and then Evan storms out. Berni emerges from the bedroom in her robe, and Briain, who has poured himself into one of his trademark children’s T-shirts, is furious, snapping that he was going to tell Evan he came over to take a shower because there’s no water at his place, but then Salome here was so anxious to claim the two of them are sleeping together that she ruined it all. He storms off, and Bobbi-Lee apologizes to Berni, who tells her she doesn’t care because she’s got bigger problems right now. Bobbi-Lee asks her if this is all worth it, and points out that she’s risking a lot for a bit of fun, and Berni looks stricken.
We’ve made progress towards bedtime because Sam is now in his pajamas and carrying a toothbrush around. Pádraig sits him down on the couch and explains gently that he doesn’t have much experience in this job, and that he knows Sam is having a really hard time right now, but that he’s really glad Sam is here and they have this chance to get to know each other even though the circumstances that brought him here were unfortunate. I’m talking about the fact that Terrible Sonia crashed her scooter into the side of a Pizza Hut while screaming at Pádraig on her mobile, in case you’ve forgotten. The worst part of all this, of course, is that the poor locals were left pizza-less for two whole days. He says he wants to be a good father, so Sam brings us back to the beginning by—entirely reasonably—asking why he told Máire he’s not Sam’s father then. I have no idea why Pádraig seems so surprised that denying their relationship would upset Sam so much, especially given that Sam has spent his entire life resenting him for abandoning him as a baby, but OK. He basically tells Sam “It’s not you, it’s me,” which of course does not answer Sam’s question at all, but then he nicely says that he loves Sam very, very much and wants to make the most of their time together. A good first step would be keeping Máire away. Sam seems to semi-believe this, but then says that eventually Pádraig will just leave again, because that’s what he does. Well, technically I think you’ll be the one leaving, Sam, since this is Pádraig’s house, but your point is valid. Pádraig swears he’ll never leave again and pulls Sam in for an awkward hug, and you can tell there’s some serious processing going on in that little red-haired brain of his. This kid really is a great, great actor, and even when the script hasn’t entirely held together, he’s so good that you don’t really care.
In the pub kitchen, Tadhg tries to get something out of the cupboard and the knob falls off. I said the knob falls off, not his knob falls off, you perv. He’s frustrated and annoyed, although this is literally a 30-second fix that even I have done successfully, and I am useless. He then looks across the room and sees that the large picture on the wall is insanely crooked—like, at a hilarious 45-degree angle—so he goes over and straightens it and then stops to look at a framed photo of him and Áine that fortunately has had the glass removed so we can see it clearly with no glare. This happy scene seems to give him a lot to think about, because he swallows hard and then lets out a big sigh, and it’s probably a good thing he doesn’t look too closely at the photo or else he might notice that Áine is actually picking his pocket.
Briain and Berni have fallen asleep in each other’s laps on the couch and don’t wake up when Evan bursts through the door apologizing loudly to Charlene on the phone that his car broke down again. Before we can spend too much time wondering if this Charlene personactually exists, he wanders into the living room and finds the lovebirds waking up under the blanket together. He shouts “Mom!” and she shouts “Evan!” and then he flees through the front door, and I think I speak for us all when I say, Oh my God, I wish Fia were here to laugh her ass off at all this.