In the café kitchen, Berni ladles two teaspoons of soup or dishwater into what appears to be a Great Dane’s food dish while Briain asks her what the scéal is with this dude she tricked into marrying her. She’s evasive, so he says that everyone has secrets and offers to show her his if she shows him hers, but because she is confused by this pileup of pronouns, she short-circuits and resets to her original factory settings, which are “snotty.” He drops a bunch of leading hints about the scandalous circumstances that led to his departure from Australia, which hasn’t been mentioned since September and which we’d forgotten we were supposed to be dying of curiosity about, but she waves all this off and tells him that rather than dwelling on the past, such as whose boyfriend tried to kill whom and whose brother strangled Bobbi-Lee and so on, they should focus on the future, which right now involves him taking this bowl of bilge water to table 26. He points out that honesty is the best policy and that, now that Evan knows, they might as well go public with their relationship, but she’s reluctant, and we had forgotten that this was even theoretically a secret anymore after their months of blatant carrying on and running up and down the street screaming about it.
The happy family reunion continues at the café, where Úna tells Mo that she’s bought her a special new blender and will be making her lots of yummy vegetable smoothies during her recovery. My God, hasn’t Mo suffered enough already? She replies that she’s not really one for vegetables, being more of a burrito-and-beer girl, but Úna tells her that’s all going to have to change now that she’s sick, and that she’ll feel like a whole new woman after a few days of Úna’s special prune-and-celery smoothies. Yes, a woman who can’t get off the toilet. Mo agrees to humor her by going along with this for a day or two, but Úna brightly volunteers that she’s taken two whole weeks off work so they can spend every minute drinking cabbage juice and having diarrhea together. Colm tries to change the subject by asking whether Úna will be staying at Mack’s, at the B&B, or at one of the many fine hotels in Shannon that he would be happy to drop her off at, and when she starts to say she’d assumed she’d be staying with them, Mo makes up some nonsense about how they’d love to have her as their guest but it’s just not possible because there’s, err, a tornado in the spare room. No, wait, a Frankenstein. Úna sadly says she guesses she’ll have to stay at Mack’s then, and he says she’s welcome there and that Dee will be delighted, which is not a word I commonly associate with Dee, but OK. Mo then hilariously says it’s the least he can do since he’s the one who invited Úna here. Snerk. He’s all smiles until Úna goes to pay the bill, at which point he clenches his teeth and spits that Mo should be grateful, but she says the last thing she needs right now on top of everything else is Úna underfoot fussing over her and making her parsnip milkshakes.
Úna takes her parade of awkwardness over to the counter, where she asks Berni, who’s horsing around with Briain, if this is Evan. “He’s so grown up!”, she exclaims. I personally think this behavior would be slightly odd between a mother and son, but Úna has a complicated frame of reference when it comes to parent-child relations, so I’ll cut her some slack. Anyway, an embarrassed Berni stammers that, err, no, this is “just an employee,” which understandably pisses Briain off, and then she makes things infinitely worse by adding that he “forgets his place” sometimes. Yes, and right now his “place” should be telling Berni to go eff herself and walking out forever. He says at least he knows where he stands now and grabs his coat and stomps out, and Berni brilliantly tells Úna, “He’s probably taking his break” and looks pained, and Úna watches all this with an expression that says “now I remember why I left this place.”
After the break, during which we wonder how many different skiing competitions there can possibly be at the Olympics, Caitríona is at Gaudi ordering the children’s-size bowl of lettuce with a glass of water on the side for dipping. I’m unclear whether all this diet talk of hers is leading to an eating disorder storyline or if it’s just a new way for her to be annoying. Máire shows up and they slag off Bobbi-Lee in absentia for no reason for a while, and then Tadhg and Maggie appear. There’s an awkward conversation about Lent that concludes with Maggie saying innocently she doesn’t have much self-control and Máire brilliantly looking her and Tadhg up and down and then sniffing, “You can say that again.” Oh, the shade of it all! This is the best thing Máire has been involved in since that time she and Fia spent three episodes slapping each other in the street. Everybody bickers for a while, and once again Maggie gives her patented look where she doesn’t understand how any of this could have POSSIBLY happened. Gurrrl, please.
Berni arrives home to find Briain packing his stuff and threatening to leave yet again. She explains that she didn’t want to tell Úna about them because their relationship is new, as if it is a baby bird and Úna was trying to step on it, and then he starts carrying on about how he hated Ros na Rún when he first came here, but has since then said many times that it’s been worth it because he met Berni. OK, a) if he hated it so much there were plenty of other places he could’ve gone to apart from the fact that he needed to mooch off David, and b) to whom has he been saying this lo these many months since this is all supposed to be a big secret? Bobbi-Lee? Anyway, just as we’ve finished playing and putting away the world’s tiniest violin, we have to get it back out again because Berni starts banging on about how her greatest fear in life, ever since she was a tiny girl growing up on remote Kong Island, was being the center of attention and having people talk about her. What? Her “poor me” speech takes a hilarious turn when she says that if they break up she’ll look like a fool and be left with nothing, but meanwhile having gotten into her bloomers will make him a “hero to all his friends.” Yes, he’s truly the Rosa Parks of our time. Everyone will laugh at her and make fun of her 24/7 for the rest of their lives because she is so interesting and important that nobody has anything other to do than think about her all the time, she says, and just as the shit is getting so deep in here you could grow soybeans in it, Briain tells her she’s going a bit overboard, especially once it becomes clear that by “everyone” she means “Caitríona.” This goes on for a while and eventually he agrees that they can keep their relationship secret, just until she’s comfortable telling everyone about it. It’s unclear what percentage of his feelings is true love and what percentage is Stockholm syndrome, but I’m estimating it’s about 30/70.
Tadhg and Maggie are sitting in his car and she’s telling him he’s got to knock it off with his plan to destroy Frances. His response is basically, “But I like it!,” and she accurately tells him he just likes being angry at Frances and this is all about his pride and desire to keep the pub, plus his general horribleness. That last part is implied. He fumes that he’s not going to let Frances walk all over him, but Maggie replies that there’s no reason for him to be so nasty about it, because she has never met him before.
Back at the hospital, Sam is dribbling his soccer ball around Sonia’s bed, but sadly she orders him to stop before he kicks the plug to her life-support machine out of the wall. He starts talking about how Pádraig is going to install some goalposts in David’s karate room or whatever, and that he also gave Sam his phone number when he was here earlier. She goes berserk and takes this opportunity to start poisoning him against his dad AGAIN by telling him what an unreliable, selfish liar “Pat” is, reminding him that he left them when Sam was just a baby and also put poison in his milk and kicked a bunch of puppies, probably. Oh my God, Sonia is such a vile POS.
Over at the pub, Frances is yelling at Mo over the fact that she’s asked for next week off. Mo tries to explain that she asked Tadhg and he said it was OK, which makes Frances gripe some more and then beg her to please reconsider. Mo says she really can’t come in, and that she wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important, so Frances reacts like a complete snot and sneers that she’s suuuure it must be something important, like another little vacation with Colm. Mo’s response is that if that’s how Frances feels, she can take her poxy job and shove it up her arse and then storms out. I guess this makes Bobbi-Lee Senior Vice-President of the pub again.
O’Shea and Laoise have returned from their day at Funeral Park, and O’Shea suggests they go for dinner or drinks together. There’s an extended sequence which boils down to: Laoise still hates O’Shea because she tried to turn her and Eric against each other, which is not exactly what happened, and so she’s never going to be friends with O’Shea again, so nyeaah. She gets out of the car and huffs off, and we’re sure Laoise had some redeeming qualities at some point that would make the thought of not being her friend anymore sad for Imelda, but she’s been such a pill lately that we can’t think of what they are right now.