First aired 15 March 2016
We open in the café, where Katy is tense, and doesn’t appreciate Jason sneaking up behind her to scare her. Does anyone like that? She tells him she and her mom are going shopping today, and oh look, here’s Noreen now, who is bemused by this whole notion of pretend siopadóireacht, because she knows, as do we, that Katy is actually going to the Clip-Art-Butterfly Fertility Clinic today.
In the shop, Mack is furious at John Joe, who swears to him that he didn’t know that Dee was representing creepy Muiris in last week’s case. Mack raises his voice, and John Joe asks him to step three feet away to the other side of the shop to cause his scene because it’s apparently more private there. John Joe reminds Mack that he and his daughter aren’t exactly on the best of terms, so Mack should believe he didn’t know what was going on, and not blame him for Dee’s actions. Mack softens, and John Joe offers to go find Ailbhe so they’ll reopen the case, but Mack sadly says it’s over.
In the café, it looks like Noreen is drinking a coffee and Katy is drinking a cup of cream, but it turns out this isn’t the case because Katy has to fast for the procedure. Noreen says she won’t be long then since Katy can’t have anything, and then proceeds to take long, leisurely sips, like it’s the best cup of coffee of her life. She’s practically rubbing her stomach and making “yummy yummy” noises. Katy asks her mother, hypothetically of course, when she should tell a man she was involved with about her sad past, and Noreen is noncommittal and fairly useless. Katy should really go to someone more sensible with these kinds of questions, like Bobbi-Lee. She worries that not telling a man is the same as lying, and Noreen scolds her for wasting her time worrying about pointless things that will probably never happen, like getting a boyfriend.
John Joe shows up to rant about what a scheming cow Dee is, and any other day this would be Katy’s favorite topic of conversation, but today she’s pensive and wistful, so she notes sadly that Mack is heartbroken, and that she tried to tell Dee— She interrupts herself, but the damage is done: John Joe figures out that Katy knew Dee was representing yucky Muiris, and starts having a go at her. Right, because Katy is the one to blame here. John Joe yells at her, and she runs off, and then he feels awful when Noreen points out to him that today is the day of Katy’s procedure. He should pay more attention to his daughter’s storylines and less to Mack’s.
At the community centre, Mo is looking for Mack, but Micheál says he hasn’t seen him, and then remembers that Mack said he was making a run to Shannon, and then volunteers too much information by pointing out that Mack can’t answer the phone while he’s driving. Mo doesn’t notice, though, because she’s only halfway listening to Micheál, as one does, and says Mack is supposed to help her paint tonight, but that he must’ve forgot. As she leaves, Micheál tells her he’ll let Mack know she’s looking for him, and then makes a suspicious-looking phone call.
And! At that very moment, at Mo’s place, where everything is covered in drop cloth, David ends a call and tells Mack that Mo is on her way up, so they randomly gather up some things and head for the door.
Now, at Berni’s: hooray, it’s Bobbi-Lee! Now, I find that, like eating chocolate, drinking wine, and huffing dry-cleaning chemicals, Bobbi-Lee is best enjoyed in moderation, but I do love how she immediately makes everything 50% more ridiculous, and how, like Katy and Eoin, everyone’s energy seems to go up when she’s in a scene. She even makes me enjoy Berni, whom I generally find priggish and irksome. Anyway, Bobbi-Lee is on the phone spewing a bunch of lies about how she is playing Wembley Arena every night, and has the #1 record in every country right now, and is seriously involved with a hot rich man who spoils her rotten and makes her eyes roll back in her head at all times. Berni is practically retching at all this as she eavesdrops/tidies up in the background. Bobbi-Lee gets off the phone and Berni immediately starts mimicking her ridiculousness, and then makes a show of looking for Bobbi-Lee’s mystery sex man under the cushions. Bobbi-Lee says she was talking to Suzanne Flynn, and talks trash about her a bit, and then Berni points out that Suzanne is coming to visit soon and will want to meet this imaginary boyfriend. Gee, I wonder who’s going to pretend to be Bobbi-Lee’s boyfriend? I’m hoping for Labhrás, though Padraig would be entertaining, too.
Mo returns to her place and looks around confusedly, because something is missing. Shenanigans!
Meanwhile, Bobbi-Lee is scrambling to figure out who’s going to pretend to be her boyfriend during Suzanne’s visit (nailed it!). Berni, who is enjoying every minute of seeing Bobbi-Lee sweat, suggests John Joe, Micheál, and David (whom Bobbi-Lee hilariously refers to as “Father Flippin’ Dougal,” which: YES). Bobbi-Lee proclaims that she’s not going to pretend to go out with a social worker, which she says as if it’s professional nose-picker or hemorrhoid model, and says she needs to find a businessman. Berni gloats that the choices are Tadhg or John Joe, both of whom gross out Bobbi-Lee, or Mack, who piques her interest, even though he’s a bit rough around the edges. Berni notes that Bobbi-Lee is old enough to be Mack’s mother, and this is why I like Berni so much better when Bobbi-Lee is around: because she’ll get down off her high horse and into the mud, where she is much more tolerable. Anyway, if Bobbi-Lee is looking for a businessman, she should just go out with creepy Muiris. I think sex trafficking is considered a growth industry. About this time, Tiarnán shows up at the door, and Bobbi-Lee immediately starts semi-molesting him, and you can tell he regrets having come over. And having a penis.
At the law office, Dee is having a pretend conversation on the phone when John Joe storms in to yell at her. She ends her call and he lays into her immediately, but she insists she was just doing her job, and her eyes triple in size, like an anime character.
Back at Bobbi-Lee’s House Of Uncomfortable Touching, Tiarnán tells them that he’s come by to deliver a box of Cathal’s stuff they discovered while cleaning up at the surgery. Berni wants no part of it and says he should just throw it out, but of course Bobbi-Lee thinks they should look, because there could be something scandalous or embarrassing or SEXY inside. Besides, she continues, Tiarnán has carried it all the way over from the surgery with his rippling muscles and broad shoulders and male genitalia. Everyone ignores her, and Tiarnán says he’s going to leave the box there because if anyone’s going to throw it in the bin, it should be Berni. As he tries to leave, Bobbi-Lee stops him and offers him a cup of tea, and her ladyparts, but he tells her maybe another time, by which he clearly means never. I guess Bobbi-Lee has been watching Fair City recently and therefore knows that doctor/hussy relationships always end well for everyone. She practically grabs two handfuls of his bum on the way out, and looks salacious, and Berni is all, “Oh, it’s going to be a long day.”
At the law office, Dee and John Joe are arguing over who’s a worse person, her for throwing Mack under the bus while representing Muiris or him for abandoning his wife and young daughters. Dee is wearing a big silky print scarf that makes her look like a flight attendant for Air Chinatown. John Joe spits that everyone knows Mack didn’t do the things Dee accused him of, and she tries to throw him out of her office, but he angrily warns her that she’s putting herself in terrible danger by having anything to do with that scumbag Muiris. And right on cue, said scumbag appears at the door, wearing the one outfit TG4 has budgeted for his wardrobe, a black zipup jacket over a black T-shirt with a black baseball cap. He looks like the stunt director of Die Hard 6. He says he’s there to thank Dee for her help, so John Joe calls him a bastard and tells him to stay away from his daughter, and they start to fight.
After the break, Dee has pulled them apart, and she apologizes to Muiris, who has a creepy grin like a possessed doll from a D-grade horror film that comes to life when you say his name backwards. He leaves, and Dee again tries to throw John Joe out, but she needs to learn that when you’re throwing someone out of your office, you escort them to the door, you don’t go sit at your desk. So of course he sits down opposite her, and tells her he’s not leaving till he tells her the entire story of Mack and Muiris.
Back at Berni's, Tiarnán has returned to drop off another piece of paper he found at the surgery, and he’s greeted by Bobbi-Lee’s breasts. She’s just gotten out of the shower, and is all Victoria’s Secret and wet two-tone hair and Mrs. Robinson. He responds with a blank look, which I think is supposed to be fear, and Bobbi-Lee makes a production out of being all alone with her heaving bosom and possibly no knickers. I can’t tell if Tiarnán is ignoring her throwing herself at him to spare them both embarrassment or if he really doesn’t realize what’s happening, but he leaves the paper for Berni, and on his way out the door, Bobbi-Lee asks for his number. In case Berni has any questions, of course. He looks pained, but writes a number on the paper her breasts have thrust at him, and I hope to God he’s “accidentally” transposed a couple of digits. As he tries to leave again, Bobbi-Lee calls after him that she doesn’t see him in the pub often, and he replies that he’s trying to be good by going to the gym instead. We all respond in unison with Bobbi-Lee, “You can tell!”, because of course that’s what she’s going to say. She asks him if he knows about the Cois Tine nights as he tries to leave for a third time, and because he is stupid, he turns around and comes back rather than leaving. He says yes, and that it sounds like a good time, and Bobbi-Lee, who looks crazy because you can see the white all the way around her irises, says she’ll let him know when the next one is. She looks pleased with herself and he finally leaves, clearly wondering if it is too late to become gay.
And speaking of people who would be a more suitable match for Tiarnán, here’s Padraig! We’re at Gaudi, where Mo is telling him that she’s prepared her entire place for painting, and then the paint disappeared. She says it couldn’t have been a break-in, because all their good stuff was still there, and Padraig, who seems to know something, makes a lame joke that perhaps a painter robbed her. Just as Padraig is about to go into full Graham Norton mode, David arrives, and says Mo should come with him. Oh, I hope this is about some counterfeit coffins!
At her office, Dee is holding her face in her hands and on the verge of tears. John Joe has told her the whole story about Mack, Ailbhe, and especially how Muiris was trafficking young girls around the country. She looks like she might throw up, understandably. She’s horrified by what she’s done.
At Berni’s, Evan startles Bobbi-Lee while she’s in the middle of opening Cathal’s box, which is, sadly, not a euphemism. He asks what she’s doing, and when she points out the box of Cathal’s junk that Tiarnán brought round, he says she should chuck it in the bin. He leaves the room, and she goes straight back to opening it. We see a stethoscope, and some certificates and boring papers, and then she finds an envelope marked “Private & Confidential,” which gets her more excited than the thought of a stone-faced Tiarnán looking frightened in a G-string.
Dee still can’t believe how blind she was, and John Joe tells her she should’ve talked to him about it, but she says she wasn’t allowed to discuss the case with anyone. He says that’s not what he heard from Katy, and then Dee frets—sincerely!—about how awful she was to her sister. It’s a lot more fun when Dee and Katy are being inhuman killing machines to each other. Show, please make a note of it. She worries that Mack must hate her, and that he’ll never speak to her again, even to let her apologize.
Back at Berni’s, Evan startles Bobbi-Lee again by entering the room just as she is steaming the envelope open over the kettle. You know, Bobbi-Lee, given that Berni doesn’t even know this envelope exists, much less that it is unopened, you could’ve just ripped it open rather than going through all this Murder, She Wrote envelope-steaming nonsense. She explains to Evan that the envelope she was steaming open is actually a gig contract, but he’s busy playing with his phone and has no interest in her or what she’s doing. He leaves again, and when she finally reads the letter, her mouth drops open in surprise. Oh, please let it be the results of a shock paternity test!
John Joe and Dee are at the café when Berni walks by and shoots daggers at Dee. I’m surprised she even knows who Dee is. Anyway, shouldn’t Berni be off making plans to rescue Tiarnán from Bobbi-Lee’s inevitable sex dungeon? Dee wants to leave before she gets another round of the Berni Treatment, but Noreen shows up and reports that things went well with Katy’s treatment, and that she’s resting at home. John Joe wishes he could go see her, especially after the way they left things earlier, and Dee tells him it’s all her fault because she swore Katy to secrecy. John Joe apologizes to Dee for not being there when she was a child, and she forgives him. He should be recording this so he can play it back when she’s angry at him for this exact thing tomorrow.
David is leading Mo into a mystery room with his hands over her eyes, and when he finally lets her see, Mack and Micheál are there. She’s in a horror show of an old-lady house, decorated in various shades of maroon and pink and red-and-white stripes, with lace and plastic Virgin Marys and vinyl slipcovers over the doilies, and it looks like the inside of your grandma’s candy dish. She asks Mack and Micheál what’s going on, because this is all of her stuff (really? Oh, Mo), and Mack hands her an envelope. It’s a card congratulating her on her new home, and while she’s confused, I’m very pleased with myself because I can actually read all the Irish words on it. Teach nua! She wants an explanation, and a pleased-looking Mack tells him they’re in her new house! Wait, are these effed-up pinks and reds the new paint? Oof.
At their place, Berni is complaining to Bobbi-Lee that John Joe had the nerve to bring Dee into the café, and that Dee has the nerve to show her face in public, and she’s back in usual “Gabh mo leithscéal?!?” offended-Berni mode. Bobbi-Lee is like, “Yeah yeah, that’s awful that Jo-Jo brought Don to the cafe. Here, drink lots of wine!” She continues trying to butter Berni up by noting that she washed the dishes today, and Berni amusingly asks her if she’s hit her head. Rather than calling Berni a stuck-up little madam and throwing wine in her face, as the Bobbi-Lee we all know and love would do, Bobbi-Lee giggles at Berni’s funny joke and then suggests they look in the box. She tells Berni that Tiarnán came back with a very official-looking letter, which is of course not what happened, and that if she were Berni, she would open it.
Back at Grandma’s Candy Emporium & Victorian Circus, it turns out this is Mack’s family home, and he wants Mo to have it since she lost her new apartment when she paid for his surgery. She protests, and there is back-and-forthing, and finally she accepts it and gives Mack a big hug. Aww.
Berni and Bobbi-Lee are on the sofa, and Bobbi-Lee has brought the box over and put it on the coffee table. Berni looks apprehensive.
At the café, Dee is moaning to John Joe that she thinks she’ll have to find a new career because she’s ruined the one she’s got. Well, based on the crazy bright gold top she’s wearing, she’s all set to go work on the starship Enterprise. Mack and Mo walk in, and it’s awkward, and Mack announces there’s a bad smell in there and turns to leave. Dee weakly tries to get him to stay by saying “Please, Mack!” and leaving a long pause that allows him to walk out on her. No, Dee, the way you do this is to start screaming your explanation at him before he gets a chance to walk away, and then chase him down the street continuing to yell after him if necessary. Hasn’t she ever seen a soap before?
Berni is just about to open the envelope when Evan pops in and asks what’s going on. Berni explains that it’s a box of Cathal’s stuff that Tiarnán dropped by earlier, and Evan is like, “Oh, yeah, Bobbi-Lee here has been snooping through that all day.” Bobbi-Lee confesses to having had a little peep, and Berni is shocked and appalled, because she has never met Bobbi-Lee before. She finally opens the letter, and discovers it’s Cathal’s will … which has made Berni rich!
Next time: Dee is continuing to chase Mack around the village begging for two minutes of his time, as if she’s Greenpeace and wants him to sign a petition. For God’s sake, Dee. It’s so frustrating that we are barely alarmed when we see that later in the episode, Muiris shows up in her office, probably to human-traffic her!
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