Pay No Attention To The Funeral Behind The Curtain

Season 20, Episode 55
First aired 3 March 2016

Mack and John Joe are in the street unloading counterfeit/asbestos-laden/non-cruelty-free coffins that have clearly just fallen off the back of several hearses. Mack points out that he’s not supposed to be doing any heavy lifting, what with his hernia-ectomy or whatever, but John Joe tells him they’ve got to finish before somebody (i.e., Tadgh) sees them, so Mack better shut up and lift with his stomach. The handy thing is that if Mack bursts his stitches and drops dead in the street, John Joe can hook him up with a discount semi-detached barely-used coffin. The handle of one of them almost comes off in Mack’s hand, but John Joe says he can fix it with some glue and paint, and besides, he’s pretty sure coffin handles are just decorative anyway. John Joe announces he’s not afraid of Tadgh, and then almost wets his pants when he hears someone approaching from behind, but it’s just non-murderous ol’ Vince. John Joe recruits him to help with Coffingate, but Mack worries that the more people who know about this caper, the riskier it is. Well, fortunately carrying coffin after coffin into somebody’s house in the middle of the street in broad daylight is very discreet and not suspicious at all.

At the B&B, Fia tries to make nice with Máire, who gives her the “stop kidnapping your own baby” cold shoulder. Fia is wearing a huge white bathrobe that I’m pretty sure she stole from the Hilton. The social worker is coming today, and everyone is nervous, particularly Fia, who’s afraid they’ll call Vanessa. Máire points out that the social worker will probably just take the baby away anyway so Vanessa will be a moot point, which throws Fia into a tizzy.

At the law office, wherever that is, creepy Muiris the sex-trafficking pimp has come for an appointment with his lawyer, Dee. He’s early, but it’s OK, because they have a lot to discuss, such as what a creep Mack is, and probably also how Katy is just the worst sister EVER.

Speaking of, over in the shop, things are awkward between Katy and Jason. She good-naturedly notes that Cuán was cranky that morning, and Jason snots that that’s what happens when somebody keeps him from sleeping, KATY. She apologizes for the noise, and for canceling on Jason, and for the food going to waste, but Jason says he ate it with Mack, who is more fun than Katy anyway. The entire time Jason hilariously refuses to make eye contact with Katy by suddenly being completely fascinated by a box of cake mix or tampons or whatever random thing he’s picked up off the shelf.

Mack and Tadgh come into the store just in time to see Vince hurt his back lifting an extremely heavy box of Huggies (?), and he complains to them about John Joe and his coffins. Mack is all “ixnay on the offins-cay” behind Tadgh’s back, but Vince keeps going, so Mack interrupts to clarify that they were carrying totally legitimate coffins in and out of Tadgh’s totally legitimate shed, right, Vince? With the crisis apparently averted, Tadgh makes a yucky comment about what Caitríona might do to make Vince feel better, and we all collectively feel sick.

Fia is explaining to the social worker that she came back to Ros na Rún from England because she was sad and lonely, and that she’s fallen out with her mother. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but she was scared, and before she knew it, she’d left Liam on the doorstep and run. Hearing this makes Máire stop playing with her new in-home crime lab, and Fia explains to her that she’d named the baby Liam Óg, after her dad, which makes Máire go all wobbly.

At Dee’s office, Muiris is explaining how the prostitution ring was totally not his fault, and besides he doesn’t even know what a prostitute is, and it’s all very Vicky Pollard. He complains that he’s already told Dee all this before, but she tells him that he’ll be asked all these questions in court, and that he doesn’t have anything to worry about if he’s innocent. Dee is very beautiful, but sometimes I can’t tell where her hair ends and her eyebrows begin and I find it very confusing. She tells him that Mack is going to be called as a witness against him, and Muiris says he doesn’t know much about Mack other than that he liked the young girls. Dee sourly asks if Mack “used them regularly,” and Muiris laughs lasciviously, and says there was one in particular that Mack couldn’t get enough of.

Back at the B&B, the social worker asks Fia about the father, and she admits she doesn’t know who he was – they did it once and she never saw him again. That’s why she ran away and dumped the baby on the doorstep – because she was embarrassed. Uhh … OK, I guess?

At the pub, a suspicious Tadgh notes that John Joe seems very tired, and that it must be because of all the extra work he’s doing, RIGHT? Tadgh tells Frances that he and John Joe are going to go take a look at the books, but John Joe stammers that he hasn’t done all the receipts and invoices yet so perhaps they can look at them later, such as never. Frances and Tadgh are all, “Girl, please,” so John Joe excuses himself to the toilet before they go.

Mack is back at the shop again, because like everyone else in the village, he pops by the shop fourteen times per day to buy one thing each time. Vince wants to know what the coffin charade was about earlier, but before Mack can avoid answering, his phone rings, and of course it’s John Joe. When Mack says, “Where are you? In the toilet?”, Vince makes a hilarious grossed-out face as if suddenly it’s Skype and he just got an HD view of John Joe taking a poo. John Joe wants Mack to dash over to his place and stash the coffins in Katy’s old room before he and Tadgh get there. Mack talks Vince into helping, and they’re off.

Back at L.A. Law, Katy is asking Dee for the receipt so she can return the crappy birthday gift she got her. It’s always very Sister Sledge/“We Are Family” with them. Things are icy, and Dee semi-apologizes for having to leave Katy’s birthday do early. Katy says she knows it was because Mack was there -- I thought he was in his sickbed being fed by Jason? – and that she doesn’t care what’s going on with Dee and Mack, but that he at least deserves an explanation of why she’s frozen him out. About that time she notices a glossy 8x10 headshot of Mack on Dee’s desk, clearly taken during his modeling career because it is not the kind of photo normal people appear in ever, and she quickly realizes that it’s part of a case file. Dee wants her to leave it, but Katy, who has the most expressive face on the show, gives her a defiant look that says she’s not going anywhere til she finds out what’s going on.

At John Joe’s, Operation: Coffin Airlift is in full swing, with Mack and Vince bumbling around everywhere, and the loose coffin handle from earlier falls off on the floor. Dunh-dunh-DUNH!!!

Meanwhile, over at Law & Order: Special Mack Unit, Dee tells Katy she changed her mind about Mack due to information she discovered as part of the court case. Katy thinks this is a big load, but either way, Dee should at least stop being such a mean ice queen to him. This sets Dee off, and she says Mack is a rotten pig who takes advantage of young prostitutes. If Katy were drinking milk, she would snort it out her nose at this, and she tells Dee she’s got the wrong end of the stick, and that Mack actually helped save a young prostitute named Ailbhe. Dee retorts that Mack never would have even met this Ailbhe if he weren’t hanging around at Prostituteville, but Katy is all, “Duh, he has a hackney? Are you stupid?” She insists that Mack was helping Ailbhe, and didn’t even turn on her when she made up allegations that he’d taken advantage of her, which she later withdrew because they weren’t true. They argue for a while, and Dee, whom I like but whom I kind of want to smack right now, tries to shut Katy down by telling her that she’s counsel in this case so she has facts that Katy doesn’t know about, and probably wouldn’t understand even if she did, so nyaaah. Katy is horrified to realize this means Dee is representing yucky Muiris!

After the break, Tadgh and John Joe arrive back at Funeral Scam HQ and of course Mack is still there, so he hides behind the door. Because he couldn’t have just made up some other reason why he was there, such as, “Don’t mind me, I’m just here with some young prostitutes, because that’s my thing.” John Joe sees Mack behind the door and tries to lead Tadgh to the other room, but of course Tadgh spots Mack’s shoe, and there is nonsense, and Tadgh sees the coffin handle on the floor, and it becomes very Three’s Company. If Mrs. Roper comes in looking for the rent, I am going to lose it.

Back at the law office, Katy and Dee are still yelling at each other. Katy can’t believe Dee is representing a skeevy sex-trafficking baldie like Muiris, but Dee insists that everyone deserves a fair trial. Katy accuses Dee of not knowing what it’s like to be an innocent girl suffering someone forcing himself on you, and says she probably would’ve represented Ciarán, too. There is more arguing, and as Katy storms off, Dee pleads that if she tells Mack about this, Dee will be in big trouble. Katy says she won’t say anything, not because she gives a crap about Dee, but because stirring things up would just get Noreen all up in Katy’s grill, which is the last thing she needs. She leaves by hissing that when Muiris hurts more young girls, it will be Dee’s fault. Burn!

Máire, Peadar, and Evan are having scones and tea at the café and Máire is tut-tutting that she doesn’t know what’s come over young people these days, all having anonymous sex and acid rock and Grindr and whatnot all the time. Back in her day, you met someone’s entire family before you got pregnant up against the wall in an alley behind a porno theatre. As Máire goes to the counter for more tea, Evan jokes that she should say hi to the random baby who’s in a stroller up there, because he’s Evan’s, too. I don’t usually think of Evan as funny, but that made me laugh out loud. Peadar tells Evan he knows he’s hiding something, and to spill it before Miss Marple comes back. Evan tells him that every time he mentions Nollaig’s father around Fia, she has a panic attack, which doesn’t make sense if he’s just some random stranger, so there must be more to it. Oooh, maybe Nollaig’s father is yucky Muiris!

At Gaudi, Katy is ranting to John Joe about what a bitch Dee is, because if she knew Katy at all, she wouldn’t have bought her that stupid perfume. Yeah, Dee is the worst! John Joe changes the subject to what a good day he’s had, because it’s not often you get one over on Tadgh, but Katy is watching Jason roam the restaurant rather than listening. John Joe calls her on it, but she says she doesn’t care about Tadgh stealing a spaceship or whatever stupid thing John Joe is talking about and goes over to the bar to ask Jason why he’s ignoring her. He denies it, and then backpedals that it wasn’t a big deal that she missed dinner, and admits he overreacted to her waking up Cuán with her drunk Minnie Mouse routine. He knows she’s young, and as long as she doesn’t make coming in trashed a nightly thing, he doesn’t care. He walks away.

At the pub, Tadgh is showing Frances the coffin handle, but she says that doesn’t prove anything. He asks, “Well, what about that idiot behind the door then?” They miss the obvious explanation, which is that Mack forgot how a door operates, like when a fly can’t figure out how to get out a window. Tadgh hands Frances the phone and asks her to disguise her voice and try to set up a funeral with John Joe, and to add that she doesn’t want Tadgh involved. She’s dubious, and I’m sad that he’s asking her to do it, because I always enjoy Tadgh’s pretend biddy telephone voice.

In the corner, Máire is glowingly telling Peadar how happy she is to have another Liam in the house. He tells her not to get used to it, because Fia will probably be gone soon, especially if Vanessa finds out and wants to bring her to Australia. Máire still thinks they should tell Vanessa, but Peadar gloomily tells her that at their age, they’ll probably never see Nollaig/Liam again if Fia bogs off with him. That’s the spirit.

Frances ends a phone call by saying “Slán!” in an elderly Muppet voice and announces angrily that John Joe is indeed operating a side funeral business. She and Tadgh promise that he won’t get away with it, and that John Joe will pay for it one way or another. If they want to nail him into a coffin and set the building on fire, I know somebody they can talk to.

At the law office, creepy Muiris is back and startles Dee. He’s brought her a very obviously empty cup of coffee since she’ll be burning the midnight oil working on his case. She tells him she’s just doing her job, and that he should go, because she’s leaving soon anyway. He exits yuckily, and is all, “I’m just going to leave this coffee right here and you should totally drink it, OK?” OH MY GOD HE’S GOING TO ROOFIE DEE

Back at the B&B, Peadar sees Máire – who is alternately addressing the baby as Nollaig and Liam – using the computer and worries she’s just called Vanessa. She reassures him that she’s come around, and that neither of them should call her because Fia just needs time to adjust and settle down. That baby is going to be so confused about what his name is.

At the flat, Jason is being a big whiny baby because Katy’s left her clothes on the drying rack in the kitchen and it’s in his big whiny way. She protests that some of those bras and knickers are Cuán’s, but that she’ll move it since Jason is being so horrible to her. He denies this, but she tells him she doesn’t understand why he keeps being mean to her even though he can see it’s hurting her. She says, “I was a fool to think…”, but then tries to leave the room without finishing the sentence. Jason chases after her, grabs her, and kisses her. They both look surprised, there’s a long pause, and then Jason pretends to hear Cuán and dashes out of the room, leaving Katy alone and stunned!

Next time: Things are awkward at the restaurant between Jason and Katy, and he tells her it never should’ve happened and they should just forget about it!