Law & Order: Smug Dee Unit

Season 20, Episode 57

First aired 10 March 2016

It’s finally the day of creepy Muiris’s trial! We open in the hallway outside the courtroom, where Ailbhe is worried that no one will believe her testimony, but Mack assures her that since she’s done nothing wrong, everything will be fine. Well, if there’s anyone whose expert legal advice I would take seriously, it’s Mack. Through gritted teeth, he announces that he’d love to give Muiris’s gang a thump for that beating they gave Ailbhe’s friend Trish, which makes a nervous Ailbhe run to the toilet to throw up. Caitríona, who is here for some reason, scolds Mack for opening his big mouth and runs off to check on Ailbhe. Mack is all, “Huh! Dames!”

At their place, Katy walks into the living room where Jason is making her breakfast in bed. It’s a good thing she comes in when she does, because they haven’t built the “Katy’s bedroom” set yet. She jokes that that’s one way to get into her bedroom, but Jason assures her he’s not pressuring her, and she’s grateful for his patience. He leaves for work, and she opens a letter that’s conveniently right where she’s sitting. It’s an envelope full of poo from Dee! No, it’s a letter from the Caroharry Clinic telling Katy she’s got an appointment in a couple of weeks. I would not trust the medical judgment of any clinic that used a silly pink clip-art butterfly in its letterhead. Katy looks nervous, because with all the recent Jason-ness going on, she’d forgotten she’s involved in this medical storyline.

Back at the courthouse, Caitríona returns to assure Mack that Ailbhe has not died in the toilet, but that he needs to keep his big dumb mouth shut. Whose side are you on, Caitríona? They spot Dee in the corridor, all dressed up in her legal-est finery, and Mack says he hopes she’s not working today. Caitríona tells him to ignore her, because of course they won’t see much of her today, snerk.

Niamh surprises O’Shea at the shop, and they have a happy reunion. Niamh says she just spotted Evan with a pram and asks if he’s become a dad. O’Shea scolds her for being a big pain-in-the-ass gossip just like everyone else around there, and Niamh is all, “Uhh, where’s this coming from?” O’Shea looks like the cat that ate the canary and says she’ll tell Niamh about the silly thing that happened later over a cup of coffee. The whole time they’re having this conversation, O’Shea is walking along a single aisle and randomly putting whatever’s on the top shelf in her basket, as if those items were actually her shopping list, and it’s hilarious. When she gets home she’s going to look in her bag and say, “Paper plates … 9-volt batteries … a breast pump … why, I can’t eat any of this!”

At the pub, John Joe has recovered from last episode’s wacky and thrilling escapades, and admits to Tadhg that he might’ve been a little frightened. Tadhg scoffs at the “a little” part and notes that John Joe would’ve soiled his pants if he’d been wearing any, leaving all those who missed last episode fretting that they missed a chance to see John Joe’s junk. And speaking of John Joe’s junk, he tells Tadhg that he wants him to get off it and just tell him what he needs to do to make things right between them, and so Tadhg and Frances cackle and twirl their mustaches and assure him that they’ll find a way for him to make things right. Oh my god, they’re going to make John Joe their sex slave! Well, it was only a matter of time.

Back at the courthouse, Mack has realized that Dee is representing Muiris, only fifteen minutes and a tea break after everyone else. Ailbhe has a panic attack when she sees Muiris go by, but Mack calms her down by reminding her that Muiris doesn’t have any power over her any more. Caitríona looks disappointed because a scene where Ailbhe fainted in the corridor would’ve really spiced up her next book.

At the pub, Frances and Tadhg have decided that John Joe can make up for the business he stole by giving them all those coffins he bought last episode from FiveCoffinsForAFiver.com. You’ll recall that these are the same coffins Tadhg saw falling to pieces and that appear to be made from old Weetabix, so I’m dubious that he would want them, but let’s go along with it for the purposes of moving this story along.

Niamh and O’Shea are laughing over what a fool David is, both in general and specifically in the case of his thinking there was something going on between O’Shea and Micheál, but then Niamh points out that every time she’s talked to O’Shea lately, it’s been all Micheál’s bum this, and Micheál’s abs that, and wonders if there might actually be something going on between them. O’Shea protests that she has no interest in him, and that even if she did she couldn’t act on it because she’s the superintendent, but Niamh reminds her that she’s been single for a long time, and that it wouldn’t hurt her to get her ya-ya’s out every now and again. O’Shea agrees, but says it’ll never happen with Micheál. Niamh wonders if her mum should tell Micheál this, since he must’ve said something to David to get this whole misunderstanding started in the first place. Oh, Niamh, I think we all know that David can get things absolutely wrong without anyone’s help.

We’ve moved into the courtroom, and Mack is on the witness stand. He looks fairly yummy in his suit and with his hair, you know, combed. He tells Dee that he met KNOWN PROSTITUTE Ailbhe while driving his hackney and that they became very close, but just as friends. Dee, who positively reeks of Eau de Smug, asks leadingly if he thinks it’s strange that an old perv like him would become such close friends with a young vulnerable hooker, who has sex for money, like Ailbhe. She’s about five seconds away from asking him if he knows that “Ailbhe” is Latin for “lying prostitute.”

Dee asks Mack if he trusts Ailbhe, and he emphatically says yes, so she asks if he believes Ailbhe’s accusations against Muiris, and since Mack of course doesn’t see where this is going, he answers yes. So Dee, in super-duper-smug mode, asks him if this is the same Lying Liar Who Lies Ailbhe who filed accusations against Mack, and he’s like, “Well, yeah, but she was totally lying that time.” Dee asks the jury, who have made some interesting styling choices and look as if the circus is in town, to note that lying liar Ailbhe who lied about Mack is the same lying liar who’s lying about Muiris, but then Mack helpfully points out that sure, Ailbhe lies, but only when she’s being paid to. If Mack stays on the witness stand two more minutes, Dee will have him confessing to sinking the Lusitania.

At John Joe’s, Katy is discussing her upcoming appointment at the clinic with her mom. John Joe arrives and asks Noreen to hang around for a bit, because he needs her to carry the coffins out of the spare room. Noreen needles John Joe that she knew Tadhg would catch on to the scam, but John Joe assures her that Tadhg still doesn’t know, he just has more storage space for John Joe’s secret coffins at his place, which everyone in the room knows doesn’t make sense, including the laundry that Noreen is unfolding and re-folding while this conversation is going on, but she humors him.

Ailbhe is now on the stand, and Dee begins her questions with, “So, Ms. Sex Worker, you’re a lying hooker, correct?” Ailbhe is basically like, “Uhh, was,” and says she knows Muiris because he worked for the madame and drove the Prostitutemobile and pressured Ailbhe into being a, you know, even when she didn’t want to. Dee, who has clearly spent many hours studying skeevy defense attorneys on Law & Order, gets Ailbhe to admit that she hates Muiris, probably enough to do anything to get revenge on him, and she shoots the Fraggle Rock-esque jury a lot of “Can you believe this little ho?” looks. Dee, whose hair is yanked back in a bun so tight her feet are barely touching the floor, gets Ailbhe to admit she made false allegations about Mack because she’s a big fat liar, and we go to the break.

O’Shea is back at the shop carrying around a bottle of water or cooking oil or deodorant or something that is totally what she came in for and not something she just grabbed off the top shelf, and she runs into Micheál, who tells her the play he went to with David was fine, but would’ve been better if he’d been in the right company, hint hint. He continues that hopefully there’ll be a chance to rectify that in the future, wink wink. He leaves, and an uncomfortable-looking O’Shea’s expression tells us she’s thinking she really needs to find somewhere else to buy pretend groceries.

Back in court, Caitríona is putting on her best sympathetic author face as Ailbhe testifies that Muiris gave her orders and treated her like a slave. Dee asks her, “Oh, so you weren’t paid then?” Ailbhe admits that she was, and Dee triumphantly proclaims that she couldn’t have been a slave then because slaves don’t get paid, BOOM. Dee tells the jury they can’t possibly believe admitted liar and non-slave Ailbhe, and then turns to Ailbhe to congratulate her on being such a lowdown nasty liar. If this were an American legal show, opposing council would object that Dee is badgering the witness and the judge would sustain the objection and ask Dee, “Is there a question here?” But apparently berating the witness for being a skanky slag is OK in this courtroom, which makes things way more entertaining for the viewer. Dee concludes by saying that perhaps the real criminal here is … Mack! So of course Mack jumps up and calls Dee “Dee” and yells that Ailbhe is upset, and that Caitríona promised him they were going to the funfair, and that so far this day hasn’t been fun at all. Ailbhe looks stricken, and the judge calls for a 30-minute recess.

Back at John Joe’s, Noreen is performing the international symbol for “Oh, my aching back!” and narrating how heavy all those coffins were. She speaks for the audience when she says she’s surprised Tadhg has any interest in such cheap-ass coffins, but John Joe says Tadhg doesn’t care what kind of box he throws the dead into. OK, I can buy that. Noreen tells him she knows he’s lying about getting one over on Tadhg, but she’s not mad because she knows he was only trying to earn a few bob for Katy’s treatment, and besides, if he goes to prison or gets killed or whatever, it’ll be a lot less of a hassle for her now than it would’ve been when she was married to him. It’s sweet.

Dee sweeps out of the courtroom, so self-satisfied that she doesn’t even need to open her eyes to see where she’s walking. Mack accosts her for throwing him and Ailbhe under the bus, and for defending creepy Muiris, but she says she’s just doing her job, and that everyone deserves a defense. He tells her she can’t possibly believe all the allegations she’s hurling at him in there, and she shrugs. He grabs her arms, and calls her “Dee,” and it’s clear that there’s something between them, and of course this is the moment when Ailbhe appears. Dee storms off, and Ailbhe storms off in the opposite direction, and Mack sets his jaw defiantly. I object, on the grounds that Mack is too handsome today, rrrowr.

At the pub, Micheál (whom Tadhg amusingly calls “Sheik Seoige”) has sent two coffees over to O’Shea and Niamh, and the superintendent decides she needs to put a stop to this before he gets hurt, even though Niamh thinks it’s hilarious. O’Shea goes over to him at the bar and tells him he’s a lovely man, but there’s been a misunderstanding, and that as superintendent it would be unprofessional for her to do the nasty with him, and he looks genuinely confused. She leaves him in a cloud of “let’s be friends!”, and as she walks off, he seems to have no idea what’s just happened, or even if he knows who that woman was. David, who has been lurking behind a coatrack or something, appears and is all “I knew it!”, and Micheál asks him what he’s done. He admits he told O’Shea that Micheál was interested, and Micheál angrily replies that David never gets anything right, and storms off. My guess is that Micheál was sniffing around O’Shea not because he’s romantically interested, but because he is planning on leaving Réailitín in a basket on her doorstep on St Patrick’s Eve.

Back at the courthouse, Ailbhe has done a runner!

At the café, Katy and Jason are pressing their faces together and looking at hilarious YouTube videos or Vines or MySpace.coms on his phone. Evan notes that they’re inseparable these days and asks if they ever take a break from each other. Katy looks delighted and Jason looks cranky, and she starts to announce that they’re a couple, but Jason interrupts to point out that he read an article that said people who work together spend a lot of time together and suggests they change the topic to a bus crash or perhaps an orphanage explosion. Katy is flirty and tries to take his hand, but he shakes her off, and she looks distraught.

At the courthouse, Dee tells the judge that Ailbhe is gone and isn’t coming back, so she moves that all charges against yucky Muiris be dismissed. The judge asks if anyone knows where Ailbhe is, and a Garda makes a hilarious show of miming a gigantic shrug at the back of the courtroom, and so the judge dismisses the case, freeing the jury to return to the set of American Horror Story. A triumphant Muiris hugs Dee and then goes to celebrate with what appear to be a Hell’s Angel and his old lady. Mack shoots Dee a nasty look, and she looks torn.

In the village, Katy and Jason are arguing in the street. I need to create a macro for this since I type it so often: CTRL+F3 = “Katy and Jason are arguing in the street.” She asks if he’s embarrassed by her, and he replies that no, he just doesn’t want people to know what’s going on because things are nice as they are, and the arseholes around town would just screw everything up, what with their gossiping and prostitution and Tadhg. I might’ve said “Bobbi-Lee,” but OK. He assures her that what they have is amazing, and that when the time is right, he’ll be proud to announce it to everyone.

Mack catches Ailbhe getting into a taxi, and she angrily accuses him and Dee of luring her into a trap. Oh, Ailbhe, I think you’re overestimating your importance to this storyline. She asks if the defendant paid Mack to bollocks everything up on the stand, and then takes a swipe at Caitríona, just for the hell of it. Ailbhe says she saw Mack and Dee in the corridor, and when he tries to tell her that it’s not what she thinks, she lays on the guilt by saying she believed him when he said he’d look after her. She rides away in the taxi, leaving Mack standing in the street looking handsome. Also sad.

Next time: Someone has stolen some paint from Mo’s flat! My guess is Áine and Réailitín have found a way to snort it.