Mo is having her breakfast at Gaudi when Mack flies in and hisses that she can’t tell Dee the thing he told her the other day about his suicide attempt. Mo reminds him that she’s capable of keeping her mouth shut because she is neither stupid nor Pádraig, and besides, it’s impossible to get a word in edgewise when Dee is around anyway. Mack pretends to be vaguely insulted by this allegation, as he is required to do per Clause 39 of the contract Dee made him sign at their wedding. Mo tells him she wants to ditch Dee and go back to jogging with him, because she started running to help sort out her head after everything that’s happened to her recently, and it’s hard to do that with Dee constantly yammering about how the hotel room in Italy had a tea kettle and a coffee maker and how you could get, like, as many towels as you wanted at the pool. You will recall that Dee got hit on the head by a coconut during her holidays and came back 400 percent worse than she ever was before. Just then Dee enters the restaurant, and fortunately her fringe seems more under control today, because you can actually see her face now. She starts banging on to Mo about how great their run was and how—oh my God!—the sea air is like, so invigorating, but that she’d also like to run up a mountain sometime? Because she heard that’s what Katy Perry does and her skin is, like, flawless? She suggests to Mack they form, like, a jogging club, because running in big groups is really good exercise and it’s good for the environment? You will also recall that Dee went away on holiday and came back Sorcha O’Carroll-Kelly, at least in these recaps. Mo and Mack suddenly remember they have to be anywhere other than here right now and flee, leaving Dee sitting there wondering what’s going on.
Out in the street, Dee finds Mo and Mack and brightly tells them she’s decided to throw a party for all their friends, and she’s doing it tonight! Because, you know, trying to organize a party 6 hours in advance is a great idea for anyone over the age of 22. They’re both skeptical, but there’s no stopping Dee when she’s like this, so they reluctantly agree and say they’ll call around and see who’s available. Well, I’m sure this is not going to be a sad, awkward party with a guest list consisting of Mo, Pádraig, and Bobbi-Lee, that’s for sure.
Micheál runs into Evan in the street and there is football talk we’ll skip over, and then we go to the B&B, where Fia and some girl we’ve never seen before are looking at London flats for rent online and acting surprised that they are more expensive than flats in Ros na Rún. Máire arrives and points out that she brought Liam Óg with her, and Fia is like, “Oh, yeah, him!” She acts like she’s under the impression that Liam Óg has gotten a job and moved into his own place now, or that he’s evolved into a butterfly and flown away. She asks Máire if she can leave Liam Óg with her while she goes off to London, reminding her that she’s done it before, as if that’s a point in her favor. Máire notes that the last time she did it Peadar was still alive to help her, and that Berni is right: Fia has responsibilities as a mother and can’t just go off ag gallivantáil. An annoyed Fia rightfully asks what Berni has to do with this, and Máire says that Berni knows of which she speaks, having raised Evan as a single mother from the remote Cape Verde Islands while working nine jobs and finding boyfriends who kept trying to kill her. Fia hisses that she’s nothing like Berni, but Máire says firmly that she’s sorry, but she’s not going to keep Liam Óg so Fia can go off to London, and to really shove it up Fia’s ass, says one more time, “Berni is right.” She puts on her coat and leaves for Evan’s gymnastics meet or whatever, taking Liam Óg with her, and Fia breaks down in fury and anguish, ripping up her acceptance letter and telling her friend Emma that her life is ruined and she’ll be stuck in this dump forever. Well, she can always hope this dump will burn down and she’ll have to go somewhere else.
After the break we’re at the pub, where they have mopped up nearly all of the mussel vomit. Dee invites Pádraig and Bobbi-Lee to tonight’s sad party, and of course neither of them has anything else to do, so they accept. Meanwhile, Frances calls David over and hands him a card she’s been meaning to give him and Gráinne to show she’s been thinking about them during this difficult time. Tadhg materializes to start a fight with David for no reason, and in the process makes a pun about mussels I won’t go into that brings up the fact that David got shot in the junk. Pádraig takes it upon himself to jump into the fray at this point, shouting to Tadhg that he should be more compassionate, because getting shot in the penis and becoming infertile is a very sensitive situation! Everyone gasps, and Tadhg says he didn’t know anything about David’s infertility…UNTIL NOW. David glares at Pádraig, who makes his patented uncomfortable “Oops! I Did It Again!” face. It’s nice to see him keeping up his streak of managing to put himself at the center of every story at all times.
Back at the B&B, Fia is Skyping with her mother again. It seems this season’s sponsors are Skype, XL, and Carbon Monoxide, Inc. Virtual Vanessa says London is an opportunity Fia will just have to pass up, and then tries to get her sleazy boyfriend Niall on the call for no reason. I was under the impression Vanessa had found out Niall was Liam Óg’s father, but I’ve gone back to look at the old recaps and it seems she did not. They’re handy that way. Anyway, Vanessa keeps calling for Niall, and Fia protests and eventually slams the computer shut to avoid seeing him. Muireann Ní Raghallaigh is always great, but she really is fantastic during this sequence.
At their place, Gráinne is fuming about the Tadhg/infertility/groin situation that went down in the pub earlier, but David tells her not to worry about it, because it was bound to come out sooner or later. Yes, Amy’s probably putting a diagram of David’s crotch on the new town website as we speak. On the bright side, he tells her they’ve got a lovely card from Frances, which turns out to be a birthday card Áine wrote to one of her little friends that David got by mistake. Well, on the plus side, whenever he’s down, David can look at it and pretend that Áine gives a crap about him.
Fia’s been glaring angrily at Berni this whole time, but this is the last straw, so she stands up lays into her. She informs her that she’ll be pleased to know that she won’t be able to go to London after all, thanks to her multiday meddling spree, and that furthermore, now she’ll end up just like Berni: “an old bitter hag who’ll have nothing to do but look after her son for the rest of his life.” BOOM! Berni looks shocked and starts to protest that at least she can respect herself, but Fia’s not done making mincemeat out of her yet. She tells her that Evan doesn’t need her anymore and is in fact embarrassed by her. Berni lets fly her most offended “gabh mo leathscéil?!?” of all time, but Fia decides this conversation is over. She fires the fatal shot on her way out, and it sends Berni reeling: “You hold on to Evan for dear life because without him, you wouldn’t have anything else.” Gaudi has never looked cleaner, because Fia has just mopped the floor with Berni.