Áine, who makes a much more compelling pirate than Johnny Depp ever did, appears behind the bar waving her sword around and explains to Frances that she is, and I quote, “Getting ready to rob and kill people.” So, it’s basically a normal Tuesday night for our Áine. Amusingly, Frances declares this go hálainn, and then tells Tadhg she’s heard that the power is out all over Ros na Rún. This is what happens when you put Bobbi-Lee in charge of paying the town’s bills. Áine worries about poor Maggie all alone in the dark, and Frances thinks they should ring to check on her, but Tadhg assures them that she’ll be fine on her own, what with her being a semi-American and therefore heavily armed at all times.
Berni is wandering around the dark café calling Briain’s name, and then he jumps out from behind a turnip and yells “Boo!”, because he is six years old. She screams a lot and bats her ponytail at him, and he flexes his teeth at her, and this is all too much, especially since we’ve been hoping all season Briain was here to be Pádraig’s love interest-slash-sex toy. They stand very close to each other and breathe in each other’s faces for a while, and then Berni gets nervous and suggests they go home, but not to have sex, that’s for sure. He explains that he has to go to a friend’s house to get his costume, but that he’ll meet her in the pub later. She giggles awkwardly and agrees, and I for one hope Bobbi-Lee and her cleavage will put a stop to this nonsense once we move this storyline to the pub.
Evan returns to the B&B from yet another fruitless Fia search expedition, explaining to Máire that he looked in a mailbox, under a tin can, and on the new episode of Bromans, and couldn’t find her anywhere. Máire sadly explains that she went out looking for her as well, but with all the costumes, everyone is unrecognizable. Maybe the mailbox, the tin can, or one of the Bromans WAS Fia! Halloween is the worst. She starts crying that Pól has probably done something to Fia, but Evan hypothesizes that she’s probably just out drunk somewhere and doesn’t give a damn about them. Way to go out on a limb there, Ev. He picks up his phone, so Máire brilliantly asks him whom he’s calling, and he’s like, “I’m calling the radio station to request ‘The Monster Mash.’ Who the hell do you think I’m calling?” She pleads with him to be nice to Fia, because they want her to come home, so he grits his teeth and says into her voicemail, “Hello, Fia, you dumb bint. Get your selfish ass home right this minute, you stupid wagon. This is Evan, by the way. Mamó says hi.” I’m paraphrasing, but not by much.
Muireann and Labhrás return to the radio station, and she explains for everyone’s benefit that they have a generator, just in case we were wondering how all their lights and cappuccino makers are still going. They look into the booth and are pleased to see that Amy has gotten her feckin’ arse in there like they told her to, but their smug pleasure turns to tight-lipped rage when they see she’s interviewing one of the Grateful Dead about the history of recycled hemp. Muireann declares this a coup, and just then local political sleaze Malachaí, a.k.a. the Ungrateful Dead, oozes in, kissing hands and shaking babies and ready to do his interview. Muireann kisses his ass a lot, and he tells Micheál how proud he should be of whatever it is he’s done here, because he truly believes that radio stations, roller rinks, or whatever the hell this dump is are the key to Ireland’s future. Once we all finish throwing up, he walks over to the booth and notices that the person being interviewed does not seem to be him, so Muireann announces that they’ve decided to pre-record his show, which she’s pretty sure is a thing, rather than sending it out live, since there’s a blackout and nobody can listen to their radios. Furthermore, instead of ditzy 18-34 year-old Amy, they’ve decided he’s so important he’ll be interviewed by famous broadcaster Labhrás, who looks panicky, because he thinks this is a telegraph station and he’s forgotten most of the Morse code he learned in school. There is a lot of political grossness during which Malachaí almost punches Muireann and Labhrás in the face but sadly doesn’t, and then they march him out to go kiss his ass somewhere else, preferably on another planet, and one that is about to blow up.
We see someone putting on lipstick and adjusting her utterly fab sci-fi go-go dancer from space costume, and OH MY GOD IT’S BERNI. There’s then a weird cut that makes it look like Fia and Pól are in Berni’s living room, but we suspect they are somewhere else. It’s hard to tell because there’s no light and they therefore appear to be floating in an endless black void. Anyway, we discover that the brilliant plan Pól concocted last episode to solve all their problems was buying some more drugs, which is a letdown, because we were hoping they were going to adopt a baby.
And speaking of Sid and Nancy, we return to the squat, where Fia says she doesn’t want to take any pills, so Pól tries to take some, and then she complains that she can’t believe he’s going to take them without her. She’s a pain in the ass and tries to start a fight for a while, and finally he takes her up on it and starts yelling at her, at which point she acts hurt and can’t believe he’s being so mean. Oh, FFS. Eventually she tells him that it’s not his fault his uncle molested him all those years ago, and he’s like, “Of course it wasn’t my fault! What’s wrong with you?” They fight about that for a while, and then Pól asks her to tell him about Liam Óg’s father, which she’s vague about, and then they call a truce for a bit while he goes to get some chips, because fighting over absolutely nothing really works up an appetite.
After the break, Briain has arrived at the pub in his costume, which is “Hairy-Chested Surgeon Who Wants To Bang You,” and is being hit on by Bobbi-Lee, who you will recall is dressed as “S&M Vampirella.” Just then Berni arrives, dressed as Space Twiggy, and everyone’s jaws drop, not just because she looks amazing, but because they have never seen her be fun before, ever. Briain takes off his surgical mask so we can see him smirk and drool (smool? drirk?), and Bobbi-Lee is pissed, because there’s only room for one Wonder Woman around here, and that’s her.
Back at Radio Money Laundering, Malachaí is shaking Amy’s hand and being yucky, and just as it looks like she might tell him what a disgusting piece of shit he is, Labhrás escorts him off to the booth for his interview. “Coming up in a few minutes we’re going to ask Malachaí here why he’s such a disgusting piece of shit, but first, this one goes out to Evan from Ros na Rún: it’s ‘The Monster Mash!’” When they’re out of earshot, Muireann threatens Amy and Micheál for a while—“just wait ‘til the board finds out about this!” and so on—and then Micheál informs her that the board have already phoned in, actually, to rave about how wonderful Amy’s interview with the Jimi Hendrix Experience was. This really crams a potato in Muireann’s tailpipe, so she huffs off, and the best part of all this, besides the mental image of Muireann storming out into the street and being hit by a car, is that in all these scenes there is a sign on the bulletin board in the background saying, with no indication of irony, “Éist leis an raidió!” Snerk.
At the pub, Micheál is telling Berni all about the hijinks at the radio station in excruciating detail, including how great Amy is, which of course makes Berni squirm because she hates Amy. She tries to be, err, gracious, but warns him that Amy is a total wagon, so he wanders away and is replaced by Dr Briain, who’s here to scrub in and maybe do a breast exam. They flirt for a while and he trots out some medical double entendres, but just as he’s about to whip out his speculum, some stupid friend of his shows up and tells him about some hot girls who are outside looking for a ride before realizing the hot babe Briain is with is, as he calls her, “Mrs. Uí Conghaile.” Heh. This, of course, brings the age difference into sharp focus for them, and things become rull awkward rull fast, so Briain scuttles away. Micheál returns and is like, “Oh, was that little Briain? Didn’t he grow up fast! He’ll be driving soon, I imagine! Remember when he and Evan were childhood best friends, which we haven’t heard about until just now, but is totally a thing? Wouldn’t it be gross if someone your age were sniffing around him?” That last part is implied. She looks mortified, and if this were anyone other than the Bernbot, we would feel sorry for her, but on the other hand, she looks so good with her fab purple bob that we are going to be extremely disappointed if it is not her new permanent hairdo.
We return to the squat, where Fia is still standing around for some reason instead of GOING THE FUCK HOME LIKE ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD HAVE DONE TEN MINUTES AGO. (Forgive me, it’s just that I like Fia very much and am frustrated with her decision-making these days.) She gets down on the floor and starts fiddling with the baggie of pills, and cries a little, and: oh, God.
We return to the squat, where Fia shudders to life when the lights and bleep-bloop music come back on. She tries to stand up, but then the music telescopes out and her eyes turn into pinwheels, and her feet get tangled up in her purse strap and she falls, her face ricocheting off the table on the way down. When she finally lands, we see that she’s got a giant TV gash across her forehead with blood gushing out. I’m starting to feel like everyone on this show needs to wear crash helmets at all times.