Vanessa pushes Liam Óg into the B&B kitchen in his stroller and she and Niall flirt with each other for a while about how GILFy they both are. Of course in this case Niall is also DILFy, but neither of them knows this yet. He points out that he’s not technically a grandfather yet, which is truer than he knows, and just as Vanessa is about to hand Liam Óg to Niall to hold, Fia comes hurtling through the doorway so fast her feet don’t touch the floor. She somehow makes a U-turn in midair and goes flying back through the door pushing the stroller, announcing that she needs to go change Liam Óg’s diaper in, umm, Portugal. After she vanishes, Vanessa gives Niall a “Kids! Who’d have ‘em?” look, and he puffs air ambiguously through his cheeks.
Gráinne is chasing some woman down the street offering her a free manicure, but the woman is pissed off about something and tells her to leave her alone. My guess is that Loinnir’s new “surprise vajazzling with each haircut” promotion is taking a while to catch on. Briain appears and tells Gráinne that he knows of at least one satisfied customer today, because Berni was
Gráinne and Mo are having their girls’ lunch at the pub, and are thus far Deeless. Mo says she’s left things too long with Colm, and she’s not sure she wants him back anyway. Gráinne thinks this is all seafóid, but that the only way to find out is for Mo to call him. Another option would be to involve Bobbi-Lee, which would result in either a drunken marriage that gets immediately annulled or a series of costly and embarrassing harassment lawsuits. Either way, it would be the best Ros na Rún Christmas ever! Mo tries to change the subject when Mack and Dee show up, because she does not want them getting involved in her bizizzle, but Gráinne is flying high on a wave of gleeful pot-stirring today and informs them that they’re discussing Mo’s unresolved feelings about famous criminal Colm. Dee tries to begin her cross-examination of Mo, who objects to this line of questioning on the grounds that she doesn’t need a lawyer, and also that she hates Dee. Dee points out that she’s not a lawyer, she’s a barrister, actually, which suggests they are two different things, but I don’t care enough to look up the difference. It looks like the fight is about to be on, so Mack and Gráinne disappear, at which point Dee smiles and announces that this will give her and Mo a chance to have a proper chat, causing Mo to make the terrified face of someone who’s discovered her lap belt isn’t attached to anything just as the roller coaster crests the first big hill.
Vanessa has now followed Fia to Gaudi, but when she throws her fork down and starts to flee, she assures her she can relax because Niall isn’t with her this time. Vanessa asks her what’s going on, explaining that she was all set to go back to Australia because Fia seemed better, and now all of a sudden she’s acting like a crazy person again. Fia insists she’s fine, and points out that the 2500+ channels on Emirates’ inflight entertainment system makes the trip to Australia zoom by like a dream. DI Vanessa announces that she’s solved the case: now that Niall has arrived, Fia is jealous that she’s not getting all of Vanessa’s attention anymore. That’s some crackerjack detective work there, Vanessa. Fia agrees, because it’s the easiest option here, and promises she’ll behave herself until Niall and Vanessa leave, which could be on the 7:10 flight to Abu Dhabi if they leave for the airport right now.
At the community center, Frances tells Tadhg that Maggie seems very lonely and regrets not having a family of her own, to which he brilliantly replies, “Well, there’s not much I can do about that now, is there?” Heh. She says she still doesn’t approve of the plan she thinks he has to get in Maggie’s good graces in order to inherit all her money, but that maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea for Áine to get in Maggie’s good graces in order to inherit all her money. Tadhg dismisses all this as seafóid, but Frances concludes that she thinks it’s nice that he’s being nice to Maggie. Well, if she thinks his trying to steal Maggie’s money is nice, wait till she finds out he’s trying to frost her muffin.
Unusually, after the break we return to the same scene we just left, but Berni has shifted her freakout into high gear and is pretty much losing her shit. Well, this isn’t suspicious at all, that’s for sure. Briain then decides he should freak out too for good measure, so now the two of them are going nuts in the middle of the street, screaming at Gráinne like Scientologists trying to shoo her off their land, and she’s just standing there watching, assuming they’ll tire themselves out eventually. They then take a different approach, making up a Mack-worthy story about a ghost that came down from a spaceship and stole their magic beans, so Gráinne just stands there and lets them embarrass themselves for a while before saying she must’ve gotten things wrong, because OBVIOUSLY nothing is going on here. She walks away smiling, and Berni and Briain presumably go home to put on some clean underpants.
A meeting of Cougars Anonymous has broken out at Gaudi, and in attendance are President Berni and, visiting from the Australian chapter, Vanessa. Berni complains about how difficult it is to keep a secret in this town given how full of gossips it is. Yes, she would know about gossip. Vanessa maintains the “fuck ‘em” platform she’s been campaigning on throughout the election, to which Berni replies that the important thing is that she and her toyboy are banging each other’s brains out. I’m paraphrasing, but not by much. Vanessa confirms that it’s been a total ride-a-thon ever since Niall showed up, too, and this is all really more than we needed to know about any of these people. Vanessa shows Berni a photo of Niall, in which he may or may not be wearing any clothes, and Berni is taken aback to see that he’s not a teenager as she was imagining. Vanessa asks how old her toyboy is, and she confesses he’s 24, and it’s Briain. Instead of the high-fiving “You go, girl!” Berni is obviously expecting, Vanessa’s mouth drops open and she says, “Evan’s friend??” Snerk. Berni asserts that they’re not hurting anyone, and Vanessa semi-agrees, but also asks what Berni would do if Evan were dating a woman her age, which really crams a potato in her tailpipe.
Mo’s sitting at home endlessly checking her phone for calls, texts, or nude selfies from Colm, or possibly waiting for her operating system to finish updating, but there’s nothing. She stomps around for a bit, and then there’s a knock at the door and it turns out to be…Colm. Oh, bleah. I really have no problem with him as a concept, but I hate him and Mo together. They look meaningfully at each other, which probably means he’s here to tell her about an exciting investment opportunity in Uzbekistan.
At her place, Mo pours Colm a cup of tea and tells him she shouldn’t have blamed him for all those things that were totally his fault. He replies that he’s sorry he hasn’t been around to help her through her tough times, but she says only one person could’ve helped her, and that was herself. Alternatively, Superman. She says she’s finally pulled herself together and swears she’s never going to be a victim anymore, and to celebrate this triumph of the human spirit, he grabs her up and kisses her. Right, in Mo’s case, the first step towards never being a victim again is hooking back up with Colm.
Back at the B&B, Niall comes back to fight with Fia some more, and she says she feels guilty whenever she sees him. He points out that he and Vanessa were broken up when he and Fia slept together, which of course makes it TOTALLY not inappropriate in about seventeen ways. He adds that he wanted to tell Vanessa about it when it happened, but Fia insisted they keep it a secret, so she can’t have it both ways and needs to make up her mind what she wants to happen here. While she’s sulking, he tries to give Liam Óg a bottle, which causes her to freak the eff out and scream that Liam Óg has nothing to do with Niall, which we will add to this episode’s long list of things that are not suspicious at all. He says he doesn’t understand why he can’t even look at Liam Óg without Fia having a conniption, so she tells him the easy solution to that problem is to stop looking at him. Fia 1, Niall 0. They argue for a while longer, and eventually her completely unsuspicious behavior causes him to realize the secret she’s been keeping … this is not her natural hair color! Oh, and also Liam Óg is Niall’s baby.