Berni is sitting on her sofa in the dark watching a film, which is the international symbol for “Bridget Jones-type singleton who is finished with men, FINISHED!” Another option would’ve been for her to be eating an entire tub of ice cream and crying. Briain sashays in, still in his surgical scrubs, and I invite you to write your best medical double entendre on a postcard and send it to Ros na Rún Recaps, America. He plops himself down on the sofa half an inch away from her and then starts hitting on her using a lot of “‘I want to have sex with you on this sofa right now’…is a thing someone might say who wants to be banned from Sofology for life!” nonsense which I am going to skip over. Of course she falls for it every time and in the process has about five heart attacks and bugs her eyes out so far she looks like a Powerpuff Girl.
At the B&B, Máire and Evan are frantically awaiting the arrival of Fia and her entourage. Well, Máire is frantic, and Evan is annoyed, which is kind of his default state when it comes to Fia these days. She staggers in, supported by Tadhg, and it’s not entirely clear whether she’s actually been seen by a doctor, but the blood in her hair is mostly clotted, so there’s that. Máire freaks out, but Maggie assures her that she’s fine, and Fia looks more embarrassed than anything else. Máire sees Maggie and Tadhg out, and of course Evan takes this opportunity to hiss insults at Fia about what an irresponsible shameless bad mother and general wagon she is. The mention of her mothering skills, or lack thereof, seems to remind her that Liam Óg is a thing that exists, so she stumbles to her feet and tries to go see him, but Evan tells him the last thing Liam Óg needs is to see his mother staggering around covered in blood and screaming. They fight for a while, and then Máire returns to join the fray. Fia says she’s sorry for having hit her the other day, or yesterday, or whenever it was, and Máire snaps back that if she were truly sorry for her behavior, she wouldn’t be in the state she’s in now, looking like a hot mess and reeking of booze. Máire 1, Fia 0.
Tadhg, who today is performing the role of a gurney, drags a wheezing, semi-conscious Maggie into the pub and sits her down on at the bar. Yes, when someone is about to pass out and unable to hold herself up, you should always perch her on a tall stool with no support. We return to the squat, where Pól is trying to ring Fia, but she does not seem to feel like talking on the phone for some reason right now. He hangs up just as Evan bursts through the door and shoves him against the wall, screaming about what Pól did to Fia. Pól points out—accurately, we have to admit—that he didn’t do anything to her, and that Fia took the drugs herself when he wasn’t even there, so Evan punches him in the mouth and orders him to stay away from her as he storms out, leaving Pól standing there with blood gushing from his mouth, shouting, “It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!” Well, I’d say there’s plenty of blame to go around, and I propose we start with “society.”
Back at the pub, Maggie wants to go home, but Tadhg starts fussing over her and rubbing her cheek and producing “Get Well” balloons and so on. Just then he hears Frances coming down the stairs, so he makes a big production out of pretending that Maggie is in mid-faint and that he’s come around the bar to catch her. Frances starts cooing over her and offers to take her home so Tadhg can get some rest, and they bicker for a bit, but eventually he lets them go, and then looks sad.
Berni bugs her eyes out and does the patented “Bobbi-Lee! For God’s sake!” routine she always does when confronted by this manner of thing, and Bobbi-Lee brilliantly responds with a smile, “Some of us take pride in our appearance, Berni.” Heh. She then asks Briain’s pecs and glutes if they can help her with something this evening, but he spoils her foolproof plan by asking her, “Help you with what?”, at which point we can hear the gears in her head grinding because she hadn’t thought that far in advance. She assures him she’ll tell him later, so he muscles away in a muscular fashion, and also muscles, and then Berni carries on some more. Bobbi-Lee concludes that by the end of the week, she’ll have “broken most of the rules in the Bible with that guy.” Does it still count as coveting thy neighbor’s ass if said ass lives in the same house as you? If you are a biblical scholar, please send in your interpretation.
Continuing this theme, over at the shop Pádraig is telling Adam, who we had forgotten works there now, about his buns. Excuse me, he’s telling Adam about Máire’s buns. Anyway, somebody’s buns were supposed to go to the old folks’ home, but sadly the oldies will remain bunless, and it is Fia’s fault somehow. They have an extended conversation about their buns, and I swear I am not making this up, and Adam seems exceedingly smiley about it all. Mo wanders in and mentions last night’s Fia-related excitement, which comes as news to both Pádraig, whose status as Fia’s intermittent BFF we keep forgetting, and Adam, whose relationship with her is troubled and epic.
Over on the dirty mattress full of creepy crawlies, Pól hears someone at the door, so he grabs a convenient two-by-four and starts swinging it around menacingly. It turns out it’s Maggie, which doesn’t slow his lumber-swinging one bit, so she talks to him in soothing tones as if she’s a hostage negotiator for a while, assuring him that Fia is safe thanks to his quick thinking. She offers to clean his busted lip if he’ll come back to her place, but he calls her a nosy old hag and continues waving his wood in her face. Because she lived in America for many years and is therefore used to aggressive rudeness and threats of violence, she’s unfazed, and tells him he may not need her help, but he does need a shower. We’re going to assume this is because he reeks and not because she just likes the idea of Pól showering at her house.
Evan arrives at the pub to thank Tadhg for his help with Fia last night, and assures him and Frances that he’s taken steps to ensure Pól will stay away from her from now on. Frances, in wise teapot mode, says she doesn’t think fighting is the way to solve such problems, gesturing at Evan’s knuckles, which still have blood dripping off them for some reason. Does he have some kind of clotting disorder we don’t know about? He leaves, and then Tadhg announces that he’s going out for a walk to “get some feeling back in his legs.” I might have said “to get some fresh air,” but OK. Frances looks skeptical, but after years of being around Tadhg and Áine, she’s learned it’s best not to ask too many questions.
Tadhg is at Maggie’s, AGAIN, and he tells her that even though Frances is a good mother and a loyal wife, it broke his heart to see Maggie leave without him this morning. She stops him and says that Áine needs her dad, and that she isn’t willing to stand in the way of his duties, but that they can still be friends. He claims that Frances “wouldn’t understand that,” even though she’s been perfectly capable of comprehending that difficult concept up until this point, which of course actually means he doesn’t want to be just friends. She tells him they’re not hurting anyone, and he agrees because it supports the story he’s telling himself, but I am dubious. We need a famous journalist to investigate this, but one who’s not afraid to make grammatical and factual errors along the way.
Evan, who twelve hours later is still bleeding and has also not washed his hands, has finally agreed to let Máire dab the blood off. She tut-tuts that he’s going to catch something called Weil’s disease, which you get when rats urinate into your open wound, and it’s probably better not to wonder why she knows this. Before he gets a chance to assure her that he made the rats piss on his other hand, Fia pops in, sees what’s going on, and immediately realizes he’s punched Pól. We expect the fight to be on between these two once again, but instead she calmly sticks up for Pól, stupidly noting that if it weren’t for him, she’d still be lying on the floor at the squat. I suspect she would’ve regained consciousness by this point, but the important thing is that Máire points out that this is a really dumb thing to say, because if it weren’t for Pól, she wouldn’t have been there in the first place. This starts up the fight we expected earlier, and Máire says she can’t deal with this shite anymore and that they’ve got to get Fia’s mother involved. Fia proclaims that Máire is not allowed to call Vanessa, and as if she were standing on the other side of the door waiting for the most devastating possible moment to show herself, Vanessa bursts in! Ooh, Fia: you in danger, girl.