Vanessa enters the kitchen at the B&B, where Fia is sitting at the table regretting her life choices, such as having Vanessa for a mother and letting Vanessa find out she is still alive. Vanessa says she’s off to visit Peadar’s grave and asks her to go with her as a fun mother-daughter activity, but Fia replies she’s got far too much to do right now, such as finding out when Vanessa is going back to Australia and calling the airline to ask if there’s an earlier flight. She says she’s tired of having Evan and Máire ganging up on her and the last thing she needs is Vanessa joining in, too, but Vanessa replies that they’ve got good reason to worry about her, what with the drugs and head injuries and slapping old ladies. Fia swears she’s done with drugs, though not necessarily with slapping Máire, and adds, “Well, you’d best be getting back to as far away as possible from here because Niall will be theoretically missing you,” and Vanessa’s like, “No, he won’t, because he’s here!” She then clarifies that he’s actually in Donegal visiting his family, but by this time Fia has already had about eleven heart attacks and wondered if you can get high by smoking a Brigid’s cross. Just then Liam Óg starts crying, so Fia excuses herself to go make his breakfast, by which she means “throw up in the sink and then look at a map to find out where Donegal is.”
Berni has declared today Mandatory Cleaning Death March Day at her place, which means her eyes are glazed over and crazed, even by her standards. Bobbi-Lee, of course, believes in matching your outfit to the type of activity you are pretending to do, and has put on a flannel shirt and tied a kerchief around her head like Rosie the Riveter. She starts rattling off a list of excuses of why she can’t pitch in, such as “global warming” and “Bob Geldof,” but Berni slaps a pair of rubber gloves on her and tells her to start cleaning. At this point her argument basically changes to “no hablo inglés” and she wanders off, ostensibly to pick up food for them, which of course means she’s never coming back. Berni is pooed off, and then really loses it when Briain walks in because she’s still upset about seeing Bobbi-Lee coming out of his bedroom this morning. Fortunately the show only lets this misunderstanding go on for about 15 seconds as opposed to, say, EastEnders, which would drag it out for 4 months and then bring it to a head during a blimp crash on Christmas. It turns out Bobbi-Lee was trying to sneak Briain out of the flat before Berni’s cleaning rampage started in a sort of reverse Berlin Airlift. Briain rhetorically asks her why it would bother her to think something might be going on between him and Bobbi-Lee, so Berni makes up some seafóid about not wanting any morally questionable shenanigans going on under her roof, and he looks at her seductively before wandering away to polish the milk and wax the toilet paper.
Bobbi-Lee has fled to the shop, where Pádraig and Máire stop her to tell her how old she is and how bet down she looks, which is ridiculous, because the bandanna (which Máire calls a “shawl”), messy ponytail, and plaid flannel shirt actually look fab on her. Máire leaves and Adam arrives, here to return Pádraig’s shirt from last episode’s switcheroo, which he has cleaned and, for some reason, put in a gift bag, as if it’s Pádraig’s bar mitzvah all of a sudden. Of course Bobbi-Lee sees and overhears this, and when Pádraig leaves, she zips over to Adam and starts asking why the two of them are trading shirts and when the wedding is going to be and which one of them is “the woman,” because as self-proclaimed Queen of the Gays, she knows this is a question we love being asked. Instead of telling the truth and putting a quick end to this, he’s evasive and suspicious-acting, and then reports the admittedly odd things Pádraig said to him yesterday about how any man would be lucky to have Adam and his babies. Bobbi-Lee, being the poster girl for “Give Her an Inch and She’ll Take a Mile,” grabs this and runs with it, telling Adam that Pádraig is obviously in love with him and announcing that she has officially commandeered their lives and will now be making all their decisions for them.
At the community center, Labhrás gives Frances a rare compliment by oohing and ahhing about how she’s got everything set up for the radio station manager interviews. “Got everything set up” in this case means “set out a couple of bottles of water, a biro, and a copy of Téann Bran go dtí an stáisiún raidió.” Muireann shows up and there’s the usual, and then we pan over to Evan and Fia, and there’s the usual with them, too, in that they’re fighting. Fia says she can’t have Niall seeing Liam Óg, and Evan retorts that it’ll be hard for Niall to see him when she’s always dumped him at the crèche or IKEA play area. Heh. She looks sad and asks him what she should do, and he helpfully responds, “Sort yourself out and stop feeling sorry for yourself,” like an asshole.
At the squat, where Maggie seems to have taken up residence, she’s watching Pól shove an entire potato in his mouth at once and then sagely says, “You’re hungry.” It’s like she’s psychic. Also, I love it when Pól reminds us he’s a Dickensian orphan, like last season at Crazy Jackie’s house when he shoved an entire sandwich in his mouth at once and then poisoned the dog. She asks if he’s been in touch with Fia, and he says no, because her family be crazy and so on, and she replies that Fia is his friend and that he should make an effort to patch things up between them. Once Evan and Máire find out about this, they’ll murder Maggie, and then Frances won’t have to.
There’s radio stuff which involves Labhrás deciding to apply for the job of station manager because Muireann told him to, and Micheál telling him how surprising it is, what with his being extremely old. Muireann, who is sitting at the next table over because this is none of her business, keeps answering the questions on Labhrás’ behalf, and I swear she’s going to pull off her wig and reveal herself to be Vladimir Putin. Meanwhile, at a nearby table, Fia is actually working on her CV after pretending to do so for the past 3 weeks, and her opening sentence is, “I am an energetic person who is motivated to work hard.” Next she should put in something about how she likes to subvert the dominant paradigm. Her phone rings, and it’s Pól, and we hope she’s also energetically motivated to ignore him hard.
Fia has agreed to meet Pól at the pub for some stupid reason, and he wonders if it’s a setup, given that everybody who could possibly show up there hates him and wants to kill him. They start a big fight over nothing, and eventually she tells him to stay away from her, and he tells her to go to hell, because he has plenty of other friends anyway. Yes, the Contacts list in his phone consists of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan, a bunch of girls named Mary Jane, and Maggie. Vanessa shows up and then all three of them have a big fight, which culminates in Fia telling her she can explain everything, and Vanessa pointing out that she hasn’t bothered explaining one damn thing the whole time she’s been there and then storming out.
Elsewhere, Pádraig is complaining to Adam about how difficult the erotic cakes business is without Máire helping out—she’s the one who really knows how to make nipples out of Smarties—and it suddenly occurs to him that it would really help him out if Adam came to work in Gaudi. I like how all the local businesses have unlimited numbers of hours available at all times for anyone who wants to work, except when it was David who was looking for a job, at which point there was suddenly a recession. This offer causes Adam ambiguous feelings, because it’s exactly what Bobbi-Lee predicted would happen, and he’s not sure how he feels about this prophecy coming true, partly because it puts him in a weird situation and partly because it's always unnerving when Bobbi-Lee is right about something.
Bobbi-Lee slams her way into the house and starts a fight with Berni, which of course isn’t hard to do. Swigging wine straight out of the bottle, she explains that Briain rejected her after she stuck her tongue down his throat, and announces that he’s a brat who enjoyed leading her on and then making a fool out of her. I’ve never seen any evidence that Briain is capable of this level of abstract thought, but OK. Berni asks if she thinks Briain plays games with women, and she spits “Obviously!” before staggering off down the hall to play the Dixie Chicks’ “Goodbye Earl” at top volume all night.
Vanessa returns to the B&B, and Máire greets her with a stare so frosty that ice crystals form in her nostrils. Vanessa says she caught Fia with Pól, and admits that it’s not as easy to keep her under control as she thought. She apologizes for what she said earlier, and they agree that Fia is a nightmare, but that the important thing is that they are both total victims here.
As Briain returns home, Berni tells him that Bobbi-Lee is hiding in her room. That’s why she’s written “NO BOYZ ALLOWT” in crayon on the door. She asks him why he messed around with Bobbi-Lee if he had no interest in her, and he exclaims that he doesn’t know where Bobbi-Lee gets these crazy ideas, because there’s only one woman here he’s interested in, and it’s Maggie. Sorry, I mean, “it’s Berni.” She looks panicky, and reminds him that he’s only 24, and she is 44 or 74 or however old she’s supposed to be, and also isn’t interested in him. He grabs her wrist meaningfully and she shrugs him off, so he tells her she can remain in denial, but they both know how she really feels.