Trial and Error

Season 24, Episode 82
First aired June 11, 2020

 

Haigh, a chairde! Aon scéal? No, nothing here, either. 2020 sure has been unremarkable!

 

Anyway! The season 25 premiere is this week, and if you—like me—have forgotten what was going on when we last saw our much-loved friends in Ros na Rún, and also Emma and Rory, let’s journey back together and remind ourselves where we left things so we will know what we will be screaming about later this week.

 

The season 24 finale opens at Berni’s, where everyone is leaving for court in their most somber attire. You can tell things are serious because Bobbi Lee, rhinestone- and fringe-free, looks less like she’s on her way to do shots off a mechanical bull at Willie Nelson’s house and more like she’s Judge Judy. Berni grimly notes that the verdict in Andy’s trial will be today, and I believe this is what we call dramatic irony because we the viewers know something she doesn’t know: that this is the season finale, and therefore he will of course be acquitted. Oops, spoilers! Although, really, given that the prosecutor apparently got his law degree by mailing in three Nutty Pops box tops and a self-addressed stamped envelope, they shouldn’t be too surprised.

Anyway, Briain has a stank attitude about everything, as usual, so Berni sends him to go fetch coffee and maybe do some crunches and lunges somewhere so she can have a quiet word with Bobbi Lee, who is worried that she will never see Nathan again after today. We vaguely recall that Nathan told Bobbi Lee and Berni that Sorcha confessed that she and Briain were the ones who ran over Jude, but then recanted when faced with Berni’s intense fringe, and also Briain in the background writing “Sorcha” on a piece of paper and then balling it up and eating it while glaring at her menacingly. Berni advises Bobbi Lee that Nathan is just as bad as Andy, and that they’ll be lucky to see the back of him, but Bobbi Lee is sad because no matter how troubled he may be, he’s still her son.

 

8 Questions with ... Danny McCafferty

Few characters have entered Ros na Rún in recent years with as much instant drama as Niall--who can forget the Fia/Vanessa/Niall powder keg that went off when he arrived from Australia? Since then he's become one of the most interesting characters on the show, and in my opinion, the storyline in which he helped Nathan reveal his true identity to Bobbi Lee was one of the highlights of season 24, and certainly produced some of the season's best scenes.

We've learned a lot about Niall as a character since his arrival--though I think there's still a lot to find out about him yet--but what about the actor who brings him to life? Danny McCafferty (Danny Mac Eachmharcaigh) was gracious enough to do an interview with me in which he tells us about himself and gives us some insight into the character he plays and being a part of the world of Ros na Rún!

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What are your favorite things about being on Ros na Rún?

Without doubt it's the fact that I never feel like I'm going to work. It's like I'm heading in to meet up with friends and we do some filming while we are there.

How do you think you and Niall are similar and how are you different? How do you think you two would get along in real life?

I would say that we are very similar. Niall is without doubt a version of myself. Now, having that said, there is no way I would find myself in the Niall/Fia scenario but I do try to to play Niall in a relatable way.

Where did you grow up and what was the role of the Irish language in your life?

I grew up in a tiny townland called Glasserchoo in the Donegal Gaeltacht. It’s hard to say what kind of role it played simply because it was the norm for me. I didn't learn to speak English until I went to school so I don't see it in those terms, but I would say that after spending years in the UK, I definitely have more of an appreciation for the language and I feel like I have to do my bit to save it.

What has surprised you about being on Ros na Rún (in the making of the show or the reaction of the fans or anything else)? 

I had worked on the other side of the camera for about nine years before I started acting in the show, so the making of it didn't hold any surprises. But fans' reactions is always something that takes me by surprise. To be honest--and I don't really know why this is--but I very seldom get recognized, so much so that a neighbor of mine and an avid Ros na Rún viewer refused to believe I was Niall when I told him I was in the show. Another friend of the family once told me that there was a guy in Ros na Rún that looks the spitting image of me. The funniest one for me though was that a woman approached my Dad in a shop and told him to tell me not to go near Bobbi Lee, that she was bad news. He had to promise that he would have a word with me.

Tyre Kickers, a short film you directed, was recently featured at the Galway Film Fleadh. What can you tell us about it and/or any future projects you are working on? 

Yeah, I definitely want to continue directing more shorts. I would say that I get the same buzz that I do when acting. It’s just such a creative process from start to finish and I love working with actors. I suppose the thing is that I get them. There is an instant level of trust there from the offset and I find myself not having to prove that I know where they are coming from. Yeah, Tyre Kickers is at the start of its festival run, so fingers crossed it will be screened in plenty of festivals and if it picked up a prize or two that would be great.

When Niall was introduced on the show, I never would've imagined him and Bobbi Lee as a couple, but they've been really fun together. What do you think makes them so good together, and do you ever feel pressure from the fans playing the love interest of a character as beloved as Bobbi Lee? 

It is so much fun working with Annamaria and we really work hard on things that will make us more believable as a couple. Both of us love when we have to do an argumentative scene. We know each other so well now that we kind of push each other's buttons in the buildup and then we really go for it. She likes to push it more than me, I have to say! I took a lot of flack online for not being around when she was in court for Andy's court case. So it became clear to me that she is a big fans’ favorite, so I better play nice. hahaha

Which of these shows would you do best on and why: Dancing with the Stars; Big Brother; I'm a Celebrity--Get Me out of Here; or Masterchef? 

Dancing with the Stars – Believe it or not, I used to work as a dancer and do trapeze in a club when I went to University. So I would fancy my chances as I'm fairly confident I can pull some shapes.

Big Brother – I used to love this show when it first started, when it would be different personalities stuck in a house. I like to think of myself as a really good judge of character. So this would be the ultimate test, but I would never do this show now as it seems to me that they just get a group of argumentative people and lock them in a house. I'm not one for confrontation, so I doubt I would last very long.

I'm a Celebrity--Get Me out of Here – Never really appealed to me this one. Although I would love to do a few bush tucker trials--especially the eating one. But if I had to do any that involved rats...! The group would go hungry that night.

Masterchef – I loooovvvvveeeee cooking. I doubt I'm good enough to have a stab at this show, but it is definitely the one I wish I could do.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be and what would you be doing?

It’s a crazy time in the world right now, but in terms of how different countries have handled it, I'm pleased I am where I am to be honest. Taking Covid out of the equation, we are heading into the colder months, so a sunny poolside wouldn't go amiss.

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And there you have it! I have to admit, I may have given Niall...just a tiny bit of flack in my recaps when he first appeared. But he has since become one of my favorite characters on the show and Danny is really a terrific guy. When I met him in the green room on the set, when the Fia/Niall/Vanessa mess was at its messiest, one of the other actors told him I wrote a Ros na Rún Recaps blog and then he pulled out his phone and I thought, "Oh, God, he's going to see that I have been talking some serious smack about Niall while I am sitting right next to him on this couch...." Fortunately he seems to have forgiven me....

Thanks again to Danny McCafferty for taking the time to answer my questions! Stay tuned for (hopefully) more Q&As with Ros na Rún cast and crew and for the return of recaps when Season 25 premieres on September 22

Scream If You Want To Go Faster

Season 24, Episode 72

First aired May 7, 2020

Welcome back! Let’s journey together, through the magic of Ros na Rún, to a time when we could eat in restaurants, speak to people in the street, and most of us could go out in public without always accidentally kissing Mack, Katy. Yes, it’s the village of Ros na Rún in The Before Time, when sneezing in someone’s face was met with good-natured laughter and nobody worried much about coughing, unless of course they were Maggie. 

We open this episode, directed by all-around good egg Eamonn James Norris, in the Daly kitchen, which this season has been the scene of 50 percent of all screaming and 90 percent of all screaming the word “faduda.” The other 10 percent is a mobile circle one meter in diameter that follows Katy around. Dee flounces into the kitchen where John Joe and Mack are attempting to operate a kettle and a coffee cup, respectively, and we can tell she’s in a good mood because her ponytail is swinging so bouncily that it’s sweeping the pictures off the walls. Mack looks afraid, which is of course always the sensible response to watching Dee enter a room, and she brightly explains that she’s printed out their tickets to Australia, which she sticks on the fridge. He asks why she’s printed them out given that nobody under the age of 900 does that anymore, and her non-answer is, “We’re leaving in a few days, so why not?” She and her ponytail exit, and you can tell by the intensely brooding look on Mack’s face that the toast he’s holding is about to get the buttering of its life. Another reasonable question might be where Dee obtained actual airline card stock on which to self-print her tickets, but I digress.

Over at the flophouse, the population of which has grown so rapidly since our last recap that it is now the third largest city in Ireland, Sorcha’s mother is anxiously suggesting places the two of them could go today instead of her doctor’s appointment, such as a couples root canal at Tayto Park or to have their skin burned off with lavender-scented sulfuric acid at Loinnir. Sorcha replies supportively that she knows her mother, whose name is apparently Sadie but whom we will always think of as Bettina, is nervous about going to the doctor, but reminds her gently that they’ve been waiting a long time for this appointment, and that everything will be OK. It would be more OK if the town doctor were still sexy Easter Island head Dr Tiarnán, rrowr. Sorcha has been lovely during this storyline, which is kind of a bummer, because she was a lot more fun when she was a complete snot whose main function was to annoy everyone with her stank attitude and problematic jam.

Mad Mams: Beyond Thunderdome

Season 24, Episode 34

First aired December 26, 2019

Happy Christmas! Hopefully you all had lots of awkward family time, like the kind Sorcha is having with her visiting mother in our opening scene. The mother probably has a name, but I don’t know what it is, so I’m going to call her Bettina. By the look in her eyes and her slightly-off mannerisms, plus the sick look on Sorcha’s face, we can tell that something is Not Quite Right with Bettina, who is currently touring the House of 10,000 Residents and declaring that she bets there are a lot of dance parties and quilting bees and so on happening there. Which particular brand of soap-opera problem mom is she? Let’s find out together!

Chez Daly, the entire family is crammed into the kitchen and everyone is looking nervous because Katy is saying and doing things. To be fair, that never ends well. There’s discussion of going to the annual Ros na Rún Fir vs Seanfhir football match, which is being held between the dumpsters at Recycle Bin Park because Aviva Stadium was booked, but things get chilly when Katy offers to stay home with Bláithín because of course Dee would rather gnaw off her own leg than let Katy borrow her curling iron, much less her baby. Katy even offers to make Bláithín’s dinner, but Dee thinks it’s not a good idea since Bláithín is very fond of her routine right now and is also allergic to poison. She and Mack leave, but she hangs out in the doorway to eavesdrop on Katy and John Joe discussing Katy’s plan to talk to Tadhg about resuming her mismanagement of Gaudi. We finally find something Bobbi Lee is good at—other than being fabulous, of course—and now Katy’s going to come bollix it up.

I Kissed A Boy And I'm Not Sure I Liked It

Season 24, Episode 28

First aired December 5, 2019

It’s the morning after the hen party, and we open with a close-up of a pile of vomit on the sidewalk that Máire is trying to sweep up. Dee walks by and nearly spews again at the sight and smell of it, and also the fact that she’s clearly the one who did it. She keeps trying to walk away, but Máire wants to have a quivery-voiced conversation about the general Sodom & Gomorrah-ness of it all. We knew this would happen if they let the gays get married. Eventually Dee gets recruited to push the vomit around with a broom as Máire repeatedly reconstitutes it by pouring water on it, which involves Dee having the dry heaves a lot plus many tight shots on the pile of sick so we can appreciate how realistic it is. OK, special-effects crew, we get that you put a lot of work into concocting this, or perhaps you all just took turns barfing on the pavement to see whose read the best on camera, but STOP SHOWING IT TO US.

Elsewhere, a hungover Mo, one of many people we will see today looking like they’ve been dragged backward through a hedge, staggers out of her bedroom and checks her phone, on which she finds a text from Bloody Fiach asking her how her head is. (If you have ever seen RuPaul’s Drag Race, you are laughing at that question.) She quickly deletes it, and the look on her face makes it unclear whether she is just starting to remember what happened with him last night or remembers it in appalling, terrifying detail. Either way, it seems picking hot-pink boa feathers out of every nook and cranny of her body and home is not going to be the worst thing she has to do today.

Girls Just Want to Have Fiach

Season 24, Episode 27

First aired December 3, 2019

You’re back! I missed you!

We open at the pub, where Bobbi Lee not-at-all discreetly stashes a bunch of shopping bags full of blow-up dolls wearing feather boas behind the bar so she can assure Mo she doesn’t have anything tacky planned for tonight’s hen party. She shouts from behind a giant vibrator that we will be experiencing PURE CLASS, and Mo reiterates, “I don’t want any nonsense or anything rude.” Unfortunately for her, Bobbi Lee’s middle names are “Nonsense” and “Something Rude.” Also “Jolene.” Anyway, Bobbi Lee assures her it will be extremely civil and posh, like having dinner at Buckingham Palace or walking in on Colin Firth and Dame Judi Dench having sex in a fitting room at Harrod’s.

Speaking of pure class, Caitríona waltzes into the shop just as Vince is stocking roll after roll of toilet paper, something Caitríona herself has never seen because she is JUST THAT CLASSY. She’s dressed to the nines for Maeve’s Nutty Pops commercial audition, and then summons our little Meryl Streep to show off her own, erm, “special outfit.” A grim Maeve emerges from upstairs wearing a number of pieces of clothing I do not know the name for in Irish or English, in various shades of Pukey Pink and Fugly Mauve, and so much makeup she can barely hold her head up. You know it’s bad when even Vince, who is up to his neck in Caitríona’s shenanigans around the clock, can’t make eye contact with anyone. Caitríona beams that she’s a shoo-in to get the part, and poor Maeve, whose hair is pulled back so tight her feet aren’t even touching the floor, looks grim, like Shirley Temple played by Morticia Addams.

The Irish Mackstop

Season 24, Episode 2

First aired September 5, 2019

It’s a peaceful morning in Ros na Rún, by which I mean nobody is being shoved screaming into a police car, burning down a building, or threatening to jump off a roof yet. Still, these people are very resourceful, so we should give them time. We open with an annoyed Mack ignoring a series of phone calls and texts from Katy, and we get the impression that this has been going on for some time, and also that the mental hospital should perhaps supervise their “more fragile” patients’ phone use more closely. The latest text asks “Have you seen the DNA test yet? [eggplant emoji eggplant emoji].” That last part is implied. He pulls the scrap of paper with her email login and password out of his pocket, considers chucking it in the bin, but then sits down at the table where someone’s “Masha” brand laptop has presumably been downloading and installing Windows updates for the past eleven hours. Masha: The Computer Made By Albanians For Albanians. Just as he’s about to enter the password to Katy’s email account, Dee bursts in with a gaggle of children, at least 80 percent of whom were fathered by Mack, so he slams the laptop shut, which of course makes it look like he was looking at porn.

Elsewhere, a drug deal reminiscent of the one in the opening credits is happening in the street. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be Sorcha slipping Briain a scrap of paper— which may or may not have been ripped out of the same pad as Katy was using at the hospital the other day—with the name of someone she knows at So You Ran Over An Old Lady Motors. He’ll be able to get Briain a mirror for his 1982 Reliant Robin to replace the one that broke off in Jude’s torso, she explains. Just then Berni pops out of a doorway and hilariously bugs her eyes out at the sight of her intermittent soulmate fraternizing with the enemy. She flies up in Sorcha’s face and starts screaming at her, hissing that she warned her not to show her face around here again. I knew the people of Ros na Rún would regret that referendum that gave Berni the right to decide who can and cannot exist. Furthermore, she rants, she can’t believe she was so stupid as to give Sorcha another chance after all the other times she has screwed things up and caused drama. It always pains me to admit when Berni is right about something, but this is one of those times. Berni says that trouble follows Sorcha wherever she goes, which is rich coming from the woman who has been almost murdered by half the people she's ever met. Anyway, Berni concludes she is done with Sorcha, DONE! Of course everyone else who has ever met Berni, including Briain and Evan, would be thrilled to think she was DONE with them forever, but Sorcha looks sad, and after Berni storms off, she and Briain exchange pained glances, which in Briain’s world constitutes foreplay.

Sometimes You Feel like a Nut, Sometimes You Don't (Season Premiere)

Season 24, Episode 1

First aired September 4, 2019

We’re back for another season of thrills, chills, and windmills in our favorite Connemara crazytown, Ros na Rún! You may recall that before we left for the summer, all hell was breaking loose: Briain and Sorcha had sex as foreplay to get them in the mood to hit-and-run Jude; Andy, in the role of Che Guevara, extorted tremendous amounts of money from Michelle; and Vince, Caitríona, and Maeve went to Tayto Park! Oh, also a screaming Katy got hauled off to the mental hospital in a police car while foaming at the mouth and clawing at the glass. So, a typical Thursday in Ros na Rún.

We open at the hospital, where Katy is sleeping off the six to eight tranquilizer darts it took to get her into the bed in the first place. It’s nice that they gave her a bed with linens that have clearly never been used before and in fact still have the straight-out-of-the-package creases in them. She starts muttering Jay’s name and then wakes up to look confusedly around the room, calling out “Jay!” again, although I suppose it is also possible she is trying to ask someone, “Cad é mar atá tú?” but loses consciousness halfway through the question.

Back in town, Mack drops Jay off at the crÁeche and then a radiant Dee takes his arm and they stroll happily across the road, with baby Bláithín in her stroller, and Dee has that classic I-just-gaslighted-my-sister-into-an-asylum glow about her, that’s for sure.

The Godfather Part IV

Season 23, Episode 75

First aired May 21, 2019

We open today’s tale of vague thuggery and pointed bitchery at Caitríona’s, which coincidentally is Europe’s primary exporter of both of those things. She’s not there, though, apparently off on a bad-will tour of the county, but Vince and Michelle are. Normally this would make things more pleasant, but Michelle is skittish and distracted, and though Vince tries to be sunny and cheerful, she and her glum ponytail are having none of it. You can tell things are bad because she didn’t even have the energy to put on her headband today. I was starting to assume it was tattooed on, really. Eventually Vince leaves, having failed to recruit Michelle to sub for him today as Caitríona’s personal social worker, and then Michelle gets a text from Andy demanding his money or he’s going to start breaking her everything. She looks scared and then goes over and dramatically locks the front door. Another option would be calling the police, but we’ll go with this, I guess.

Over on Daly Estates, Cóilí Jackie and Noreen have come to visit Dee, presumably separately since we can’t imagine she would allow him in her car. She’s being all sweetness and light, thanking him for saving the baby’s life by helping Dee give birth in that ditch and so on. If he really wanted to be helpful he would’ve told her it would be a lot easier for the baby to come out of she weren’t sitting up, a problem he rarely has with his cows. I will give you a moment to picture a vertical cow standing on end like a child’s drawing rotated 90 degrees before we proceed. Anyway, Cóilí Jackie appears to be understanding about 30 percent of what is being said, which is pretty good for a non-Donegal character in a scene full of Dalys, and everyone is having a lovely time until he brings up the fact that Dee’s asked him to be Bláithín’s godfather, at which point Noreen develops a sudden case of diarrhea face and stops talking for the first time ever.

A Romantic Bottle of Wine by Gaslight

Season 23, Episode 72

First aired May 9, 2019

Aaaand we’re back! A lot has happened since the last time I was able to recap, much of which involved Michelle being in every scene for no apparent reason, but I will try to catch you up as we go along. We open at Gaudi, which is somehow still in business, just as a power outage plunges the place into darkness. Pádraig arrives and asks Katy why she’s standing at the till in the dark, which at first seems a stupid question, but then we remember that he’s been watching her Dee-facilitated descent into madness for a while and probably just figures this is the next logical step, after ordering 600 lbs. of beef instead of 60 but before getting into an argument with a jar of olives.

At their place, Berni and Briain are discussing the fact that Jude kept them up half the night, and it’s clear they are both fed up with this shite but know they will go to hell if they say it out loud. He presents her with a spa gift certificate and says they’ll go there this afternoon, and you can tell he’s serious because it’s from a legitimate spa in Galway and not just Gráinne kicking you in the spine at Loinnir. He even volunteers Bobbi Lee in absentia to look after Jude while they’re gone, but Berni reminds her that Bobbi Lee has an appointment to see a fortuneteller today, which is apparently a thing she does now. Briain’s suggestion that perhaps Evan could get his arse over here and acknowledge his grandmother’s existence for a change goes nowhere, because, as Berni explains, Evan finds Jude eepy-cray, and is also selfish. Briain frowns a lot at this, which history tells us means he and Evan will be wrestling in the street in the next 15 minutes.

Recaps resuming week of May 6

The craziness that's severely limited my recapping for the past couple of months has mostly passed, so I'm planning to resume recapping the show next week! Watch this space for new recaps soon and thanks for your patience!

8 Questions with Pól Ó Griofa

If you’ve read and paid attention to any of my recaps—which: apologies again for being too busy to do them lately!—you’ve probably noticed that Mack is one of my favorite characters. He’s been involved in so many of the biggest and best storylines the past few years, and wherever there’s excitement to be had in Ros na Rún, Mack usually isn’t too far away. So I’m thrilled to be able to share a new Q&A with Pól Ó Griofa, the man who brings Mack Ó Riain to life! Pól is one of my absolute favorite actors, not just on Ros na Rún but in general, and he manages to careen between comedy and drama so effortlessly he makes it look easy. Let’s find out what makes the man tick!

Daly Descent into Madness: Katy Edition

Season 23, Episode 47

First aired February 12, 2019

Today, on a very special Ros na Rún, everyone expresses their emotions honestly and constructively and honors themselves and those around them by acting in ways that reaffirm human dignity and show compassion and empathy to all. Ha ha, I’m kidding, everyone is a complete fucking basket case as always.

We open with a montage of various people flipping through a prop magazine printed on an extremely stiff paper stock that is definitely used by a lot of actual magazines, that’s for sure. The pasted-on photo that catches first Dee’s and then Tadhg’s eye features Jason in a tux with a pretty blonde woman identified as his “partner,” Somebody Ní NotKaty from Cork. I should point out that Dee and Tadhg are looking at their magazines in their respective kitchens, although I do enjoy the mental image of the two of them hanging out flicking through magazines and pointing out hairstyles they do and do not think would look good on themselves. Anyway, there is a lot of eyebrow raising, presumably because they subscribed to Hiya! magazine to see photos of celebrities, not Effing Jason, but then Tadhg is interrupted by Frances, who has let herself in to argue pointlessly with him about how they need to divide their assets and, you know, get divorced already. He’s rude and dismissive before walking out on her, and she sighs loudly and looks surprised, because she has never met him before.

Over at the café, intermittent hoodlums Sorcha and Adam are celebrating the fact that she has completed her extensive health and safety training and been certified by the EU to start pumping gas today. I hope there is money in the special effects budget for the inevitable fiery explosion we get when she flicks her lit cigarette at a puddle of spilled gasoline to “burn it off.” Cóilí Jackie arrives and she starts haranguing him because he is dressed inappropriately (i.e., the exact same way he is always dressed) for his court date today, and he pahs and bahs that he’s not going because they’ll fine him either way, and also he’s curious whether failure to appear is a misdemeanor or a felony or what.

Domhnall O'Donoghue Talks about His New Novel and What's Coming for Pádraig

We all know the stars of Ros na Rún are great actors, but they’re also a talented bunch in so many other ways. Annamaria Nic Dhonnacha is a singer, Colm Mac Gearailt is a scholar, Máirín de Buitléir is a dancer, and, of course, Domhnall O’Donoghue is a writer. The man we all know and love as Pádraig is a travel journalist, magazine columnist, and a novelist, among other things, and his second novel, Colin and the Concubine, is out this week. I caught up with the man himself for this brand new Q&A, where he tells about the new book, how he balances writing and acting, and what we might expect from Pádraig in the weeks and months to come.

Mo + Colm - Fiach = ♥

Season 23, Episode 44

First aired January 31, 2019

I’m a bit off schedule, recapping an episode from last week, but this one is too special to miss, so here we go. It’s directed by our pal Eamonn Norris, filmmaker extraordinaire and all-around good guy, who if I ever meet in person I will ply with round after round of drinks, a) because I like him and b) in hopes of getting scandalous tales of Domhnall O’Donoghue’s lurid past out of him.

We open out in the street, where Mo asks the increasingly skeevy Fiach how Jennifer is doing after yesterday’s chemo. On one hand, it’s nice that Mo cares about Jennifer’s well being in spite of her relentless awfulness, but on the other hand, we can’t help feeling that if she’d stop encouraging them, Jennifer and Fiach would both go away. I’m just saying. Anyway, Fiach says that Jennifer is tired, probably of him but possibly also of other things, and that she’s not up for visitors, so therefore Mo should come over for dinner tonight. Oh, good lord. Mo agrees, because she believes in the innate goodness and dignity of all human-type beings and has also apparently suffered a series of recent head injuries, and as she walks off, Fiach looks smirkily pleased with himself. I am, of course, a consummate pacifist and am against violence of all kinds, but also hope somebody punches Fiach in the junk in the near future.

Speaking of people who need to be punched in the nether regions, over at Caitríona’s we are subjected to the return of Tommy, whom we last saw being hilariously Thelma-and-Louise-d by Berni and Bobbi Lee. It seems she has hired him to go install hidden cameras over at the radio station to monitor Sonia’s activities, because Caitríona hates her and has tortured Vince till he’s a smoldering husk and therefore needs a new toy. Surprisingly, Tommy asks her whether this is legal, a word we wouldn’t have thought would be in his vocabulary, but she insists it is. This will be a good case for Dee to take on the next time she needs a break from murdering Katy. Tommy agrees to do it, but protests weakly that he doesn’t think it’s right, another concept we doubt he’d concern himself with, so she tells him she’s not paying him to think about what’s right and wrong and that he’ll shut up and get installing if he knows what’s good for him. He flirts with her grossly for a while before she throws him out, at which point she looks somehow surprised that someone she found in the Uncredentialed Day Laborers section of YuckosForHire.com is morally questionable.

If You Like It, Then You Shouldn't Put A Ring On It

Season 23, Episode 39

First aired January 15, 2019

We open this episode with Mo and Colm, who are very nervous, and not just because they’re eating Berni’s special of the day, sushi soup. Mo’s due back at the hospital this afternoon for what will hopefully be her last visit for a while. Katy breezes in to order scones for her dad, who it happens is coming home from the hospital today with a clean-ish bill of health, by which we mean his heart is beating much of the time and he’s hardly bleeding from any of his orifices. The doctors were worried when his face was suddenly covered with blood, but it turned out it was just from Noreen repeatedly stabbing Imelda with a pen.

There are a lot of sickies in this episode, so let’s go visit another of them by cutting over to Caitríona. The neck pillow she’s ordered has just arrived, and she immediately starts moaning rapturously about how much more comfortable she is with it on, even though she’s been wearing it for half a millisecond while standing at the kitchen counter where it is doing absolutely nothing. “Placebo” is Latin for “shut up, Caitríona.” Poor Vince seems skeptical, but we also suspect he’s popping so much Xanax to combat his shellshock that at this point he thinks she’s two talking snowmen. She hobbles over to the couch and places an order for the radio and her laptop to be delivered to her so she can listen to what a bad job Sonia is doing while simultaneously sending menacing emails to Maeve’s teachers and spying on the salon via the nannycam she’s implanted in Gráinne’s neck. Even here on the brink of death, Caitríona is a multitasking pain the ass.

Litigation Nation

Season 23, Episode 37

First aired January 8, 2019

We open in the shop, where a disheveled Caitríona comes hobbling in on crutch with her arm in a sling and wearing the remnants of her evil stepmother costume. She looks like Stevie Nicks after spending the night in a ditch full of Klonopin. Vince narrates that she broke her collarbone and ankle when Bobbi Lee dropped a house on her, demonstrating that Bobbi Lee actually can work efficiently when she wants to. Caitríona is in a foul mood and takes it out on innocent bystander Berni, which we are totally in favor of, but then Briain comes in and takes Berni’s mind off it with a drive-by suggestive smirk.

Over at the café, Bobbi Lee is holding court about how her natural superstardom saved the day at the panto, but Gráinne helpfully (i.e., unhelpfully) notes that Caitríona was the real star because her adlibs were funnier than anything in the script, which, by the way, they all know Niall wrote. Bobbi Lee appreciates this about as much as you’d expect and lashes back that Gráinne won’t be so smug when Caitríona sues her for her panto-induced injuries. In case you’re wondering why Caitríona would sue Gráinne, I’ll save you some time now by telling you that later on we are reminded that Gráinne was the producer of the panto. You’re welcome. Anyway, she looks pained, presumably due to PTSD from the various seaweed-related lawsuits she’s been involved in the past few years, such as when the viewers sued her for not ensuring Annette’s slip-and-fall injuries were fatal.

The Show Mustn't Go On

Season 23, Episode 36

First aired 3 January 2019              

We’re back after a couple of months away, most of which involved Adam getting arrested for things he didn’t do, Cóilí Jackie almost shooting David in the crotch, and Dee slowly losing her mind. So, business as usual. We open today, which features the long-awaited return of a familiar stubble-faced hunk from ye olden tymes—I’m talking about myself, of course!—at 3Arena or wherever the panto is taking place, which is a busy hive of activity, and also bees. You might think of Christmas as a distant memory now that all the crackers have been cracked and decades of built-up family hostility have been buried for another year, but here in Ros na Rún the holidays rage on, mostly in the form of Vanessa. She’s carrying a black garbage bag in Berni’s direction, but sadly is here to apologize to her rather than fill it with oranges and bludgeon her with it. She explains that she bit Berni’s head off last episode because she was surprised to find out Niall and Bobbi Lee are a thing, what with her expecting him to be celibate from now on and all. Well, when you leave your DILFy ex-husband on a soap opera full of known floozies, you deserve what you get. Berni accepts her apology, agreeing that this is all pretty messed up, and then reminds her that the important thing is Liam Óg, who is now at the critical developmental age of two or twelve or something.

Onstage, Mack stops stringing fairy lights up a donkey’s arse long enough to tell Niall that he’s really bollixed this situation up. Niall sadly agrees, adding that there’s no way he could’ve predicted a relationship involving Bobbi Lee would be problematic in any way. He realizes he needs to apologize to Vanessa, who’s walking around looking sad everywhere. Another option would be for Vanessa, who broke up with him, to grow up and stop making everything about herself, but maybe that’s just me. Niall goes down to gabh Vanessa’s leithscéal, but is interrupted by Gráinne, who is here to make everyone do her work for her. Caitríona has taught her well. She drags Vanessa off to iron the walls, and Niall looks sad, partly because of this Vanessa situation and partly because he has read the script of the panto that’s coming later.

In town, on-again-off-again frenemies Imelda and Laoise seem to be on for the moment, although Laoise is doing her best to stir up trouble and make everyone around her miserable. She asks how noted patient John Joe is doing, and Imelda has to admit she doesn’t really know since nobody from the hospital will tell her anything and Noreen is guarding the place like it’s the end of a Super Mario Bros. level. It’s OK, the princess is in another castle anyway. Laoise helpfully reminds her that Katy and Dee are a couple of bitches, and when Imelda reasonably replies that she doesn’t want to go someplace where she’s not welcome, Laoise retorts that if it were Micheál down at the hospital set, she’d be down there marking her territory posthaste, no matter how much of a wagon Réailtín is. That last part is implied.

The House That Mack Built

Season 23, Episode 6

First aired 20 September 2018

The last scene of the new opening credits, where someone is sneakily handing someone else a €50 note, is supposed to be a drug deal, right? Anyway, we open with a possible hostage situation in which Mack has covered Dee’s eyes with the world’s most fashionable blindfold and led her to a remote part of the countryside where no one can hear her scream. Well, we all knew this marriage was going to end with one of them under a pile of rocks somewhere along the R336, but I think we all thought it was going to be the other way around. He removes the blindfold and, unimpressed, she notes that this is his dumb old field, and she has no idea why he’s wasting her time with this when she could be at home comparing various family members’ hair under her electron microscope. He brightly explains that he’s decided they should build a cottage on this site using plans he’s acquired from someone named Micilín Jimmy, which is Irish for “Jimmy Hovel-Collapse.” He asks, hopefully rhetorically unless he’s prepared to get a response he doesn’t like, “Isn’t it a lovely spot to raise a family?”, which of course causes Dee to swallow hard and make a face like he’s just asked her, “Isn’t it a lovely spot to raise 22 children and have dysentery all the time?”

In town, it seems to be morning, and Micheál is trying to sneak Laoise out the front door. Unfortunately, it’s difficult to do a quiet walk of shame in Ros na Rún, where Máire is doing round-the-clock surveillance of the entire town in an elaborate crisscross pattern learned during her time in Afghanistan. She starts carrying on about how “thank God, you’re safe!” and “thank God, I was up all night worrying!” and “thank God, I was only about two-thirds of the way through planning your funeral!”, which is also known as “Máire Morning Greeting #3.” Laoise explains that she didn’t come home last night because she was, erm, staying with a friend who lives, uhh, two towns over and is named, errr, Fionnuala O’Shacking Up. Máire questions this story, especially since she’s almost positive she attended Fionnuala O’Shacking Up’s funeral, but Laoise explains that, err, that was Fionnuala’s mother who was also named Fionnuala, and that furthermore she and Fionnuala fell asleep on the sofa during Fair City because, uhh, Fionnuala has a lot of gas leaks at her house, and also because Fair City is boring, especially now that Emmet isn’t there fighting with everybody all the time. Furthermore, she explains unnecessarily, she hasn’t been sleeping well lately, which is certainly a good reason to watch Fair City, and then she and Micheál flee in opposite directions. Well, I’m sure Máire is satisfied with this explanation and will meddle no further.

(I kid, I kid, Fair City fans. Please don't send me angry letters. I get enough of those from the Berni fans.)

At the pub, Tadhg is harassing Frances about her torrid non-affair with Cóilí Jackie, which you may  recall consisted of his ruining her trip to see the new calf by offering to show her his udders. She, however, does not have time for his seafóid today because she’s been examining the bank statements and notices that earnings have been way down the past two months, and also that there have been a lot of checks made out to “Chernobyl Quarry” and “Upstairs Heat Vent & Sons.” He says this is because he had to order a lot of stock in July and August, such as 50,000 bags of crisps, and denies her request to see the books because he’s sent them to his accountant, Fernando Mac Money Laundering. She gives him a “Bitch, PLEASE!” look and then walks out, and it’s clear he’s nervous because he only mildly insults her as she walks out the door.

Putting the "Dee" in "DNA"

Season 23, Episode 5

First aired 18 September 2018

We begin this episode in which everyone suddenly has new hairdos Chez Daly, where Katy has rung Jason in order to wish Cuán a happy birthday. As usual, Jason’s default response is to hang up on her, which on one hand seems a little crappy given that Katy was effectively Cuán’s mother for an extended period of time, but on the other hand, I suppose he’s decided she’s not going to be part of Cuán’s life moving forward so he might as well cut the cord, and is also kind of a jerk. The least he could do is let Cuán go on a fun birthday drive to the seashore with Auntie Dee! And speaking of our favorite temporary kidnapper, just then she and Mack arrive. Mack is on crutches, which Dee dismisses in passing as a football injury but which we suspect involves her hitting him in the spine with a blunt object, such as a bat or a refrigerator. They explain that they stopped by the pub to see Katy but that Tadhg told them to get lost, plus it doesn’t have a ramp or elevator, so Mack couldn’t go in anyway. They stand there and watch while she spins a yarn about how Tadhg is difficult and John Joe needs round-the-clock nursing care and Jay is allergic to pubs, leaving out the part about how Tadhg caught her stealing money from him. It’s hard to tell how much of this Dee believes, whereas Mack is waiting for Katy to get to the part with the cow in the road and/or time-traveling robots, which in his mind are an integral part of any lie. They then give Katy a giant gift to take to Cuán when she visits him in Dublin later this week, so she has to explain that, erm, she’s not going this week because, umm, Jason was kidnapped by the Terminator. No, two Terminators! Also Dublin fell in a volcano.

Across town, Laoise, whose sudden new hairdo features a lot of highlights and looks completely fab, is looking at a photo of herself with Peadar. Micheál and his same old haircut wander in and comment that they can’t believe it’s been two years since he died. That does seem hard to fathom! As they reminisce about his passing they start making out, as one does, and we get our first Réailtín sighting of the year (hurrah!) when she strolls in and starts rolling her eyes and making barfy faces like Mr. Yuk, whom those of us who were American children in the 1970s remember warning us that poison tastes bad and therefore we should hold our noses while drinking it. Anyway, Micheál advises her to shut up and eat her breakfast, which gives her an opportunity to point out that he wouldn’t have to feed her or watch her being sullen all over the place all the time if he’d send her to boarding school like she wants. Hmm, if that’s the upside maybe he should send Laoise to boarding school, too. He ignores her and heads off to the lipstick factory or wherever he works, at which point Laoise tells Réailtín she’ll be moving back in soon, but that it’s a secret so she can’t tell anyone. Réailtín’s response is basically, “Don’t worry, I don’t have anyone to tell because I don’t have any friends here and am miserable, unlike at boarding school, where I would be popular and happy.” I tend to think of being sent to boarding school as punishment, which is why when my coworkers complain about their annoying, out-of-control children, I always suggest they send them to an out-of-state military boarding school. Because she is The New Girlfriend trying to win brownie points, Laoise agrees to have a word with Micheál on Réailtín’s behalf instead of telling her to knock it off and go to school like she would’ve last season, or telling her to go jump off a bridge as she was always telling her nemesis Fia.